The Definition of Insanity

A brainy guy once said it's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Well slap that label on me because that's what I've been doing.  Okay, not entirely.  I've made some big improvements in the eating department during the day.  I've stopped the random purchase of candy, chips and other junk food - which was really "bad" - and now I'm left with the evening snacking to tackle.

Funny how, on this journey, we have to learn and re-learn and then learn again.  Shift, dodge, dive and tackle, the game never ends.  But it's always more fun when you've got winning momentum on your side and when I check the scoreboard, I'm winning by a wide margin.  So I'll use that momentum to keep chipping away at these bad unhelpful habits that've put me on the defensive.

As has been the case, exercise continues to go well.  My body is asking for a break but I'll tell you the truth, I'm inclined to push it for now.  I like the feeling of power and force I get when tackling (there goes the football metaphor again) and overpowering my workout.  That said, I think next week I'll do recovery week protocol - a little lighter and easier all around. 

Yesterday was a gym day - 25 minutes on the upright bike, level 8, random.  I played around with the bike until it gave me what looked like a slightly easier "random" route.  Then it was back/biceps/core for strength training.  My lower back was wincing a bit here and there, not sure where that came from, but everything else worked well.  And I was aaaalmost able to do two sets of 4 pullups.  This pullup thing is going way slower than pushups but it's the nature of the back, a hard part of the body to strengthen (or so my fellow gym-rats tell me).  But I won't stop until I get to three sets of 8, however long that takes. 

After the kids were in bed I again had some cookies and a couple dinner rolls.  All this despite plans to avoid any late night snacking.  I was thinking about this today, trying to figure out what's going on, when I had the idea to have a more substantial after dinner snack.  Except instead of junk like cookies and bread, I'll have something healthy like Greek yogurt and fruit.  Maybe I can use a hearty snack to transition away from the junk.  And then eventually I might not need the snack anymore at all.  That's how things used to be.  Sometimes I'd have a cheese stick or a couple crackers but not this eating, eating, eating thing that's been irritating me.  Though it is not irritating me, there is no it, my choices are irritating me.   And the good news is, I am the one who makes my choices.  So if I want the irritation to stop, and I do, I need to make different choices.  Sounds so simple, doesn't it?  And sometimes it is, but sometimes it's not.

Today was a weird food day.  I had Grape Nuts for breakfast (I've gone back to them to add variety but just one box, I won't be keeping them in the standard rotation) and a banana for a mid-morning snack.  Come lunchtime I was all tied up at work and missed the cafeteria lunch hour.  So I had a Clif Bar instead.  Then I had a cheese stick before hitting the gym.  You'd think I would have been starving but I actually felt okay.  Probably still topped off from all the food last night.

After work I hit the gym.  I got there later than planned and instead of my normal 3 mile run I only had time for 2 miles.  So I pushed it and ran the two miles in 17:15 which is, what, an 8:37.5 pace?  Yep, yep.  Then it was on to chest/triceps/core for strength training.  I did a couple sets of my pushups with my feet up on a bench instead of on the ground.  Woooo, that was hard.  And my lower back was not happy to be doing decline crunches.  I focused hard on keeping my ab muscles tight to give it all the support I could but really, I need to just drop them for a while.  I hope somebody somewhere is playing a tiny violin for me. 

I had black beans, cream, avocado, a flour tortilla and half of an avocado for dinner.  And later I had an oatmeal cookie.  And I'm hungry as I write this so I think I'll have a bowl of Kashi GoLean.  That's healthier than more cookies and/or bread.  And then, I will go to bed.  Just as soon as I finish watching Newlyweds: The First Year.  Because bad TV has no calories!

9 Miles the Easy Way

I'm feeling myself slowly coming out of the food funk I've been in.  Some neat things are happening with my career and that's encouraging me to get my butt in gear across the board.  Friday was a gym day but I had plans after for a hike in Point Reyes.  I considered skipping the gym in light of the hike but in the end I knew the hike wouldn't be enough soooo, I hit the gym.  I did a 3 mile treadmill run followed by legs/shoulder/core for strength training.

After work I headed west for what I hoped would be a pleasant, peaceful, beautiful hike along the ocean.  And I wasn't disappointed.  To give you an idea...

The view out toward Tomales Point

The weather was gorgeous.  There was wind of course, there almost always is when you're this close to the ocean, but it wasn't too bad and there was plenty of sunshine to balance it out.  And the wildflowers were AMAZING!  At one point I was wading through shoulder height flowers and felt like I was in a movie. The hike was everything I was looking for - mostly some time away from the hustle and bustle of life and a beautiful view.  Tomales Point Trail did not disappoint.  And the Tomales Bay Elk only added to the drama of it all. But it was hard on my legs toward the end, the upper back part of my calves were tightening up and I worried about my planned run the next day.  Maybe a treadmill run, weight lifting focused on my legs and a hike were a bit much for one day.


So I told myself that if I only wanted to run 3-4 miles instead of my planned 9, well, that's well within my rights.  I woke up this morning and my calves were so tight I was limping a bit.  But I hoped running used a different part of my leg muscles than hiking and that the tight calves wouldn't be a problem.  I had some breakfast and coffee and sat around for a bit before hitting the road.  I wore my Garmin so I didn't need a set route.  The weather was lovely, a tad warm in the sun but with enough of a breeze now and then to make it okay.

I ran down a road that eventually put me at the entrance to Indian Valley preserve so I decided to run down the fire road because on the other side there was a water fountain.  It was fairly warm outside and water sounded good.  I got to the water fountain a bit before the 3 mile mark.  I'd checked my Garmin and saw I was running around 10:30+ minute miles, "perfect," I said to myself.  I'd decided that whatever pace I was running was the perfect pace that I should be running.  After last week's rough 8 miles I just wanted to relax and enjoy my run.  Plus I had a lot of thinking to do so I didn't want to be distracted by suffering. 

Around mile 6.5 I started to feel myself dragging.  Time for some ShotBloks.  I've been backing way off the energy gels to see if that helps with the cramping and it has.  I think my stomach can't process all that stuff.  So I had two and within 20 minutes I felt the boost of quick energy.  I finished up my last mile in 9:48, partially motivated by my buddy Kristy pointing out that I always finish strong.

Mainly I was proud of myself for running the whole 9, especially that I'd given myself full permission to bag it at 3-4 miles if I felt the need.  But running slow was just the ticket to keep me moving the entire time.  If I'd pounded out 9:30 or even 10 minute miles I never would have lasted.  Slow and steady was the key today.

Food has also been slowly improving.  I'm getting there, and just like my run, slow and steady progress will always get me there in the end.

A Mixed Bag

Let's see if I can stop eating long enough to write a blog post.  Ok, maybe things are not that bad but when I let it get all blown up in my head it feels that bad.  It's a balancing act, wanting to focus on making healthy choices and reminding myself of my goals but also not being too hard on myself, or overly restricting myself.  Not that there's any chance of the latter at present, it's been a lot of gentle reminding without a lot of change.  I'm going to keep on keeping on until that seems like it's not the right path anymore. 

It's Thursday night and I've had a successful week of exercise anyway.  I'm tempted to dismiss it as if it's not a big deal in light of the eating but I've been at this too long - I know better.  Anything I'm doing right, anything that moves me in the direction of my goals, deserves recognition and reinforcement.  So I'll say now - Good job, Michelle, you're making some good choices, you're paying attention, you're trying, don't give up, don't make this bigger than it is, keep at it, it will get better, your motivation will come back, it always does.

So now I'm talking to myself.  Well, at least it's positive stuff, right?  I'll move on to a quick gym recap.  Monday was 25 minutes on the bike followed by legs/shoulders/core.  My legs were not thrilled to be put on the spot after the run the day before but they stepped up to the challenge.  Pun intended.  Tuesday was a run day with a plan to do 3 miles on the treadmill.  But I got to the gym late and only had time to run 10 minutes, a bit over a mile.  I did back/biceps/core for strength training.  I got a text from Miguel that I could stay later if I wanted and thought maybe I should do the rest of my run.  But the truth was I felt tired and my legs were spent so I gave myself permission to go home.

Aren't they growing up so fast??

Wednesday was a rest day, from exercise anyway.  We hung around the house until we got bored.  I packed up some snacks and the kids and took them on a little hike.  The hike was short but was all uphill.  I was thinking as we were walking back down how grateful I am to be able to do little activities like this one and not only that, but that I want to do them.  I used those thoughts to reinforce why my choices are important, why this matters as much as it does.  And it does matter, no matter how many times I tell myself that it doesn't, how many times I throw out the old, I don't care before diving into some candy, I know the truth, it matters.  This is me, this is the me I want to be.

Insanely bitter is more like it.

Aaanyway, after the hike we went to the candy store.  Marek has not stopped asking for Angry Birds gummies since he saw them the last time we were there.  I bought some chocolate.  I've been enjoying 82% chocolate and wanted to try something closer to 90% to see how I felt about that.  They only had 99% so I tried that.  And woah - bitter as heck.  I had the tiniest piece and felt like I was eating melted used coffee grounds.  Of course I threw the rest away.  Not.  I'm gonna let my bitter memories fade a bit and then try it again.  Why?  Because I'm not a quitter.

I ate other candy too of course, but I'll spare you the drunk-a-log.  Suffice to say, we all had our fill and headed back home.  My mom came over to watch the kids while I helped a friend clean out an apartment.  It was solid manual labor and I again felt proud of my body.  I carried about 10 bags to the garbage and felt the muscles in my arms working.  The old me would have suffered and been sweating like crazy but the new me marveled at my strength and wondered if I could count it as an arm workout (no, is that answer to that question).  Still it was a long day and I missed dinner at home.  I made the probably inadvisable decision to have Taco Bell.  It's been a good long while since I've been south of the border and the probably good news is that it didn't taste all that good to me.  Have they changed their meat or something? 

Moving right along.  I got up this morning feeling a bit regretful but quickly told myself to carry on.  Today's food choices were a mixed bag including good things like quinoa and green beans as well as indulgences like frozen yogurt piled with toppings and after dinner snacks.  It's real people, I am a bit lost at the moment.  But I'll find my way, I know I will.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.

The gym was good.  I started with 25 minutes on the upright bike - a pleasant quad burning spin - and followed that up with chest/triceps/core.  I'm getting strong again, feeling like I am back to pre-pneumonia strength on most things.  That's another positive.  And on that happy note, I'm off to bed to do some healthy-lifestyle related reading that will, with any luck, motivate and inspire me.  Night all!

My First Running Accident and 8 Miles the Hard Way

I realized after I wrote my last post that I completely forgot to write about my run on Wednesday.  I know, I know...it's not that hard to keep a fitness blog is it?  So a quick recap... I'd thought I wasn't going to get any exercise in because I was with the kids.  But I was at my friend Michelle's house and she said I could go on a quick run and she'd watch the kids.  Thank you Michelle!  I still had my gym bag in the car from Monday so I changed and hit the road.  I decided to run for 40 minutes and knew I'd likely cover at least four miles in that time.

I ran toward a country road and before too long I saw a trail that I'd read about but never been on.  Since I was only running for time I figured, why not get a little trail time in too?  I was running along - a bit quicker than usual (at least it felt like it, I didn't have my Garmin on to check) given I was working with two days' worth of pent up energy - when I thought, "this is the kind of situation where you'd fall."  It was the mix of sun and shade, the unfamiliar trail and the quick pace.  And sure enough, about 5 minutes later, Bam!, I was flying toward the earth.  I landed on my left leg and hip and threw my hands out to break the fall.

I got up, brushed myself off and took a quick assessment.  Big scrape on my leg, slight cuts on my hands, and dirt all over my clothes.  But nothing felt too horribly bad so I kept on running.  I did a glance back to see that I tripped over a tree root that was in the shade.  Fortunately I wasn't in much, if any, pain.  In fact I didn't even feel the sting of the scrape on my leg until about 15 minutes later when either the adrenaline wore off, or maybe sweat started dripping into the scrape.

I finished up the 40 minute run feeling that awesome post-run feeling.  So glad it worked out - that Michelle suggested it, that I dug in and found some motivation - which wasn't easy on a warm, relaxing afternoon that I'd already accepted was a no-exercise day - and that I had my gym stuff with me.  I should carry spare running gear with me at all times just for times like this.  Thanks Michelle for encouraging me, you were right, I did feel better after!!

Anyway, I had that scrape (which has been hurting way more than I would've expected), some bruised up hands and a sore hip.  Fortunately it didn't interfere too much with my exercise on Thursday and Friday.  Unfortunately I wore a dress that night to the mom party so it cramped my smooth style just a bit, though it did give me something cool to talk about.  This was another reason for my calling this past week the week from hell.  At least it's over.

So yesterday I took the kids to a kid birthday party.  I didn't get it together to pack myself a salad so I took some hearty snacks - a banana, an apple, and a Fage.  They had raw veggies so I munched on those too.  I did have a piece of birthday cake.  Such is life.  And a few pita chips, hummus and one dip of ranch dressing.  Oh, and probably the equivalent of a small pb&j after eating a few quarters.  This food thing can be such a cross to bear.

I had a "bad" food evening, staying up too late and eating too much.  Too many justifications for unhealthy behaviors.  I have a book on CBT for weight loss that I'd started but didn't finish, so I picked that up today and it's helping me.  We went to breakfast for Mother's Day - I was excited about a restaurant breakfast.  I ordered a 2 egg combo - bacon, eggs, toast, home fries and a pancake.  Well, the eggs and bacon were undercooked and the potatoes were mushy so I sent it back.  They let me keep the pancake so I had that and some fruit.  I'm glad I didn't eat it just because, what a waste of calories that would have been.  And I'm going out to dinner tonight too so it's all for the best.

After breakfast we came home and let the kids play in the kiddie pool while I read my CBT book in the shade.  I could have sat there all afternoon except I had an 8 mile run calling my name.  I was feeling tired but I put my big girl running shorts on and hit the road.  I planned to run to the soccer field where the kids were hanging out and bring them home.  I started running and it wasn't too bad in the shade but in the sun I quickly felt overheated.  So I was able to maintain a 10 minute mile for the first half of the run but gave up on that in light of how hot I started feeling.  "Just run", I told myself, "pace doesn't matter today."  I crossed paths with another runner (running in the opposite direction) and he gave me a wave, a small show of camaraderie that helped me carry on. 

Mile 5 was rough.  I was fighting to run up some small hills, I really wanted to walk but instead I ran at a snail's pace, "you know how to run, just run, as slow as you need to but just keep running."  And I drew on my Cinderella Century mantra, "You can walk when you need to but you don't need to yet." 

Funny how just a little ol' training run can force you to dig deep.  Sleeping in may not be worth these hot runs, they just sap my drive and energy and certainly don't help my pace at all.  In the end I was happy to average 10:18 minute miles.

Energy supplement wise I tried to skip Shot Bloks altogether to see if that helped my stomach but I needed something so at Mile 6 I had two and got a much needed boost.  I'd stopped at my gym for some water around mile 3 and passed a playground with a water fountain around mile 6.  I might need to start carrying water on these hot afternoon runs.  Or stop doing hot afternoon runs.  My stomach was just a bit upset post-run so maybe less carbs during the run is the way to go.  Anyway, I'm rambling, my brain is fried so I'm going to wrap this up. 

Good Excuses are Still Excuses (and I made some good choices this week too!)

Last week was officially a week from hell.  I'd like to say I handled the stress well and fueled my body with good, healthy foods throughout.  But no, that's not what happened.  On the upside, I did mostly fuel my body with wholesome foods and I exercised a good amount so let's focus on that instead.  Well phooey, this is a fitness blog so you know I'll tell you all about both.

Oh, but before I do that, I'll share a few pictures from my super fun night out at the Mother's Social on Wednesday evening.

Photo booth fun (Hi Michelle & Alison!)

Old Hollywood was theme (and I wish that was my boa!)

The two Michelles

Can you tell how much fun we had?!  It was great.  And I even won a few things at the raffle.  A birthday party at a local playhouse (where we'll be celebrating Myra's #3 in September), a gift card to an Indian restaurant and to a bakery.  Yum!

These pictures should be motivation to keep up my does-a-body-good ways.  Because as you can see my arms were totally exposed and guess what?  I felt totally comfortable.  Entirely.  I should make a note on my calendar because that's a first.  I didn't worry about all the neurotic, ridiculous stuff I usually worry about.  I think all the people (here and in real life) telling me I'm nuts when it comes to my arms, I think I'm finally convinced they don't look huge or weird.  So the motivation didn't happen that night, I had a couple cocktails and more than enough food, including more deserts than I needed.  And no dancing to balance it out, wasn't a dancing party.

Thursday started out well enough,  went to work and happily social worked away all morning.  Had lunch in San Anselmo at a favorite little cafe that I haven't been to in forever, the aptly named Comforts.  They have a Chinese Chicken Salad that is out of this world.  But instead I ordered healthier items from the deli counter - a grilled chicken breast, black bean salad and steamed veggies.  I can't tell you how satisfied I was eating my meal.  It wasn't that it was the best food ever, though it was quite tasty, it was that I felt good eating what I knew was good fuel for my body.

Then my good day went all to hell when a work situation arose that required me to make a police report.  That's never a good thing.  The good news is my boss told me to take the rest of the day off once I was done at the police station.  After all the unpleasantness I really needed my workout.

I headed to the gym for a spin on the upright bike, 25 minutes, level 8.  That was followed up by strength training - back, biceps, core.  After the gym I headed to Larkspur where I planned to see Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me on the big screen.  They filmed them recording the NPR quiz show.  But before that I grabbed dinner at a local seafood restaurant - I was starving!  I made more healthy choices, grilled fish with two sides - a beet salad and a kale salad.  Yum!  My food was good and the show had me laughing out loud enough times to make up for my not-funny-at-all afternoon.

After the show I was exhausted and dying to get in bed but I stopped at a local grocer for some chocolate, I wanted something sweet.  I ended up with a dark chocolate bar, the over-sized fancy kind, and a bag of corn nuts because...there's no because when it comes to corn nuts, you just want them.  And I ate both items.  So much for my healthy dinner.  No.  Wait.  Bad food choices don't erase good food choices, they co-exist, in balance.

That brings me, finally, to Friday.  The day in which all the week's intensity caught up with me and I sort of drug myself through the day feeling tired and in need of a nap.  I weighed myself, 141 pounds - moving back down thankfully.  I had a nice work morning, a yummy lunch consisting of salad, chicken breast, and a hearty bowl of soup.  I might have had 4 squares of more fancy chocolate.  I went to the gym after work but was pressed for time. I couldn't do my normal 3 mile run so I did what I could, 1.5 miles.  I alternated 6.4 and 7.4mph every 1 minute.  13 minutes, 11 seconds later I hopped off the 'mill and did chest/triceps/core.  For some reason chest presses were hard and I couldn't do my first set of 8 with 30 pound dumbbells.  Who knows.

Yes I ate the whole package :o

Dinner was a grilled chicken breast, quinoa and a salad with avocado.  After the kids were in bed I did some grocery shopping and Mochi ice cream from Trader Joe's (green tea flavor) might have made it into my mouth.  Along with a few bites of 85% dark chocolate.  This was a clear case of, "I've had a hard week and I'm going to do whatever I want."  Don't get me started on the irrational nature of that sentence.  We all know that what I want is a healthy body I can feel good about.  But sometimes what I want now overrides what I want more, and that's what happened last night.

But today is a new day - and the weekend!  We're headed to a birthday party in a few.  I'm going to pack a salad and skip the cake.  I lost a pound this week and I really want to keep it off, possibly lose another.  I'm shooting to be back under 140 hopefully by the end of the month.  If I want to make that happen I can't keep eating chocolate and ice cream and all the rest.  Unfortunately good excuses don't erase bad calories.

Life, it Happens

Ups and downs, downs and ups.  It's the nature of the journey.  Last week was good.  This week was crazy.  I'll take normal for next week please.  I got all my exercise in last week, including a feel-good run on Sunday.  But I'll back up just a bit.  Friday I hit the gym and did a 3 mile run on the treadmill.  I ran at 6.4mph with 7.4mph intervals.  I had to push myself but I got 'er done, as they say.  After the treadmill I powered through strength training, happy to be "back" after the post-pneumonia rebuild.

The weekend was filled with social gatherings.  We went to a pizza birthday party on Saturday for some sweet and zany 4 year old twins we've known since they were still wet behind the ears.   To avoid pizza I brought my own food - a salad with tuna and healthy dressing.  I view this as strong-arm tactics but I just needed to draw the line on the junk food.  I had two bites of cake - one from Marek's and one from Myra's.  So good.  Saturday evening was dinner out and I made the healthiest choice I could - grilled chicken breast, veggies and a salad.  Flan might have also made it into my mouth.  I had one beer.  Better than several.

Pinkastic (can you tell we're all runners?)

Sunday was another birthday party - a Pinko de Mayo fiesta for a gorgeous 2 year old friend.  They served fiesta food so I was able to make healthy choices (grilled chicken, salsa, beans).  Here I am with the birthday girls' mom and another momma friend.  Love these ladies!  I skipped all the enticing adult beverages at the party because of my planned run later.  It's always nice to surround yourself with people who understand and support your goals, who when they offer you a drink and you say, "no thanks, I'm running later" they get it.  My shorts look white in this pic but they were actually a pale pink.  It wasn't called Pinko de Mayo for nothin'!  I bet you can tell by the hot bodies these two ladies are sporting that they're runners too :)

The desert table was crazy and I might have done a full-body tackle of said table.  Cookies, cupcakes, wafers - you name it, I ate it.  But I justified it with my planned run and moved on.

Speaking of... I left the party and met Miguel at his post-soccer gathering at a local taqueria.  We did the kid swap and I changed (in my car - always fun) into my running clothes.  I hit the road, wearing my Garmin for the first time in quite a while.  I didn't have a goal pace in mind, I was mainly curious how fast my comfortable pace is.  I initially thought I'd run for an hour but then decided to go for 7 miles, considering I have a half-marathon in a little less than a month.  Here are my splits, and full Garmin stats if you are interested.

After about a half-mile I decided to shoot for a sub-10 minute mile pace.  I was happy with my pace, including pushing myself up some slight inclines during mile 5.  Except for the overpass there were no hills to speak of.  I came home and plotted out a plan to train for the See Jane Run half coming up on June 8th.

Week	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thur	Fri	Sat	Sun
1 (5/5 – 5/11)	Bike + strength	4 m run	Rest	3 m run + strength	Bike + strength	Rest	8 m run
2 (5/12 - 5/18	Bike + strength	4 m run	Rest	3 m run + strength	Bike + strength	Rest	9 m run
3 (5/19 – 5/25)	Bike + strength	4.5 m run	Rest	3 m run + strength	Bike + strength	Rest	10 m run
4 (5/26 – 6/1)	Bike + strength	4.5 m run	Rest	3 m run + strength	Bike + strength	Rest	11 m run
5 (6/2 - 6/8)	Bike + strength	3 m run	Rest	3 m run + strength	Rest	Rest	Half-marathon

 
It starts this coming Sunday with an 8 mile run.  As you can see I don't get past 11 miles but given this is my third half this year I think I'll be fine.  I also might continue to do strength training on Tuesdays if I have time.  I don't really want to cut back strength training to 3x a week. 

As far as food, I'm continuing to make improvements in my evening snacking.  There might have been an evening with me, a spoon and a jar of peanut butter - but other than that, I'm getting better.  And then came Monday.

I got a call from one of my closest friends that her husband had died.  He'd not been well for some time but it was still a surprise.  I spent the afternoon and evening with her and our other friends and took yesterday (Tuesday) off to spend with her.  Comforting and doing what I could to help was my focus.  All concerns about calories and whatnot went out the window and I ate crackers, cheese, chips, cookies and plenty of chocolate.  When tragedy strikes, eat.  I remember thinking, "I can worry about food tomorrow."  I didn't exercise on Monday and totally could have yesterday but instead opted to go shopping.  I needed a little retail therapy.  Really, exercise would have been better therapy but I'm not perfect.

And today is my day home with the kids. We're headed over to a friend's house in a bit for lunch and then tonight we're headed out to a big party to celebrate motherhood.  Food, wine, deserts - all of it.  I don't really have a game plan for this event, I just expect to do more socializing than eating.  Remember those blue dresses I posted on FB?  Well, I didn't end up deciding to wear either of those.  Instead I'm wearing a black dress that is quite fitted with spaghetti straps.  I'm sure I'll have pictures in my next post.  Maybe the dress and skin exposure will inspire me to keep my eating and drinking in line. 

Anyway, that means I'll only get in three days of exercise this week instead of five.  Life, it happens.  Until it doesn't.  Grateful to have the rest of this week and all of next week (and hopefully years to come) to make better choices.

Two Pieces of Confidence

An example of dinner (had this Monday night)

Is it Thursday already?  One more day and the work week will have come to a close.  Things in the food department are slowly moving back to what I'll call normal.  What's my normal?

Breakfast:  Usually whole grain cereal with almond milk; coffee with ff creamer
Healthy mid-morning snack:  Banana and Fage, string cheese and an apple, crackers and cheese
Lunch:  A healthy serving of salad plus whatever's being served at the cafeteria at work
Healthy mid-afternoon snack:  same as above
Dinner:  Lean protein, carb, veggies.
Possibly desert/evening snack:  Frozen fruit bar, cheese stick, hot chocolate, etc.

And thrown in are the social events that add things like wine, cake, appetizers, etc.  I guess my basic approach is to eat fairly clean when I'm preparing the food and not so much if it's out to eat or something a friend is serving.  The problem lately has been I've been buying all sorts of junk and eating it.  And eating the kids' snacks, gratuitously eating dinner rolls, etc. 

Not sure why I'm going over this, maybe to remind myself.  In any case, my eating is improved.  Still more snacking than I need but I'm focusing a lot of attention on healthy thoughts and positive reinforcements.  I believe my power lies in my thoughts and if I can get my brain on board the rest will follow.  So when I had only one dinner roll instead of three, I acknowledged the improvement and reminded myself that this is not behavior I feel good about and moved on.  The candy/chips stuff has all but ended.  And the Pirate Booty is gone after I put the remainder down the garbage disposal - sorry kids, your mommy's a food junkie. 

Hopefully I won't be asking them to hide their Halloween candy in their bedrooms when they get older.  But if I do, well, nobody's perfect.  I'd like to not pass on my food issues and am very careful to avoid fat/diet talk in front of them (altogether really).  One of my favorite things is when I come home in my gym clothes and they ask, "How was your run mommy?".  Love that.  "Some day I'll be big and can go on your run with you, right?"  Yep.

A light that continues to shine is my workouts.  I went to the gym on Monday as planned and had a great time on the upright bike and strength training.  Tuesday was a run on the treadmill.  I kicked some running ass, pushing myself to run at 6.4mph with 7.4mph intervals thrown in every five minutes.  It was hard, but I was harder.  Times like that a stubborn streak will do you good.  I'm almost 100% back to my pre-pneumonia levels.

Wednesday was a day off from exercise and I did something you will not believe.  I wore a bikini.  In public.  You heard right, a bikini. I made plans with a mom friend (Hi Whitney!!) to go to a local beach (we're in the middle of a heatwave over here) and she told me they were the only ones when she'd gone two days prior.  I decided to bite the bullet and let my stomach and back see the light of day.  I wouldn't be able to do this with just anyone but I feel comfortable with Whitney that she's not judging me, which is so important if you're going to wear a bikini when you really don't have a bikini-ready body.  And don't tell me I do, I have too much extra skin to be sporting a bikini. 

But on Wednesday, I didn't let that stop me.  Though it did revive my tummy tuck desires and I'm seriously considering booking it for December (shhhh! don't tell anyone).  I felt a bit strange but mostly I was pleased that I decided to put my self-confidence issues aside and just enjoy the sunshine.  I never thought I'd wear a bikini but I tell ya, it's nice to have hardly any clothes on on such a hot day.  And no, I don't have any pictures, thank the lord.  I'm sure that would scare me off ever wearing one again.  I covered up after a while, when people started showing up and especially when another mom joined us that I'd never met.  I'm not that super-evolved, hippie mom that bares her flaws with no qualms.  Not yet anyway.

Today, Thursday, was jam packed with work.  I had to squeeze my workout into a smaller time slot.  I started with 25 minutes on the bike and pushed myself harder than ever.  I upped my normal RPMS by 10 for most levels.  So when I usually ride at 70, I rode at 80.  I wasn't able to do it the whole time but I'm sure it was at least 20 of the 25 minutes.  I was sweating like crazy but loving every minute of it.  Then I did back/biceps/core.  My poor back, it's still too sore for back extensions.  I really need to give decline crunches a rest too while it recovers but I just love them so darned much.

That's all I got for now.  Thank you all for the support here and on my Facebook page.  Knowing I'm not alone in this journey is so powerful.  And the faith others have in me, that I'll figure this out and persevere, it's humbling truly.  Thank you!!

Always Worth It

I started to write a post a day or two ago called Wheels, What Wheels? in reference to the fact that the wheels had seemingly fallen off my healthy lifestyle vehicle.  I know I've had food meltdowns before, written about those evenings where I can't stop eating and then felt like crap the next day.  But this has been different.  This has been a real backslide into old behaviors.  I'm not sure why this has been happening, and in many ways it really doesn't matter, all I know is it finally caught up with me on the scale.

I've written before about the steps I see taking place when one falls off the wagon.  I'll paste them in again here.

#1: For the first couple of weeks of said fall I might actually still be exercising now and again. I read somewhere that it only takes half the work to maintain fitness gains as it took to obtain them in the first place. So, if you're only doing 1/4th of what you used to do you're still maintaining something.

#2: Most of my meals are probably still relatively healthy. These first two reflect that I don't fall off the wagon in one heavy thud, right? I slowly lose my grip, slowly slide down to the edge, and my good habits slowly fall by the wayside.

#3: The metabolism remains high for a while. It's not like I lose all that good, hard-earned muscle overnight. I continue to burn through the calories at a higher rate even though my exercise might not be regular anymore.

#4: The reverse of the old muscle weighs more than fat line. As you lose muscle and gain fat your weight stays the same. Evil. Your clothes might be getting snug but the final arbiter, The Scale, tells you all is well. And since we've conditioned ourselves that The Scale Knows All, we fool ourselves into listening to it again. Like I've said many times before, the scale only tells part of the story.

#5: And then...


The weight gain starts. And when it does it's usually too late. I've fallen off the wagon entirely and it's gone on down the road without me. I can't even see it anymore. And the weight gain is gradual, it's a 1/2 pound here, a pound there. I start adjusting my acceptable weight standards. This really helps with the denial, "160 is still pretty good,"... "165 isn't bad,"... "170? I guess I can live with that." Right around here is where I might stop weighing myself altogether. Bigger denial. This isn't happening, I am not gaining weight.

I'd say I've been in #4 lately, eating too much and feeling some of my clothes get snug but comfortable in the fact that the scale is still saying everything is ok.  Until it didn't.  Yesterday morning I got on the scale and my weight was 142.4 pounds.  That's 2.4 pounds over where I'd like to stay, which is under 140.  Why under 140?  Because that's a weight that was easy to maintain when I was exercising and eating a healthy, balanced diet (not a strict diet, a balanced one).  Easy, you might ask?  Yes, easy.  I was not battling with myself to maintain that weight.

Anyway, under 140 is my happy place and 145 means sound the alarm, time for drastic action.  In my case drastic action = tracking.  And I do not want to track.  So 142.4 pounds got my attention.  I started asking myself the tough questions, "What are you doing?"  "Why all the junk/crap food?".  No good answers but I don't need answers to change my behavior.  I'm gently nudging myself back to the way I was eating before the impulsive candy bar and chips behavior started, before I fell into a habit of before-bed snacking.  I reviewed in my mind how I was eating before this re-visiting of old behaviors and envisioned or imagined myself eating that way again now.

That was helpful and gave me a bit of a boost in motivation.  Because sometimes the scale going up is not motivating but instead is disheartening and can make me want to give up.  I have to be careful to use the feedback of a higher number as just feedback and not a moral judgment against me.  As I've said in the past, at least the gain is directly tied to my behavior and not to a frustrating mystery.

Some of you might be thinking, "Why all the panic over a measly 2.4 pounds?".  In fact I've had more than a few people say things like, "I wish I weighed 142" or "Try not to stress about it, you still look great" or "You're worried about 2 pounds, really?".  But that's how it starts!  And that thinking, the idea that this small gain is not a problem, that it doesn't warrant my focused attention and intervention - that's what allows one to move the bar of acceptable weight, after all 142 is not bad.  And I'm still under my initial goal weight of 145.  And I'm still wearing mostly size 4s, some 2s even.  Some are getting a tad snug but I can still wear them just fine.  But it's not about size, or scale weight - it's about the behavior.  And the lazy thinking behind that behavior.  Neither of which are good.  Not. good. 

So if I were to keep this up I'd be 146 before too long.  Still wearing normal sizes, only a pound over my goal weight, still good, right?  And then 151, and then 157...you get the idea.  So I choose to make this a big deal, to intervene now, to focus and intervene and do what I can to get my thoughts and behaviors back to a healthy place, which will lead to the scale moving back down.  I'm working on it, ever present of not being too hard on myself.  If you want a strong fighter in your corner, don't beat that person up before you put them in the ring.  My eating still has room for improvement but things are getting better.

I was buying and eating candy bars at random times, one time eating two candy bars plus a chocolate truffle in one evening.  I was buying chips and snacks and anything else that seemed good and eating them as if I've never had a weight issue.  I was eating before bed - dinner rolls (with butter), cereal, candy - whatever I felt like.  And it's not that I was gaining an immense satisfaction from these foods, not truly enjoying them, rather just eating them out of some...some what?  Who knows, and I don't need to know right now, I just need to stop.

I'm moving in that direction.  I skipped most of the junk snacks (including cake!) at a birthday party yesterday.  Later I barely had any wine at a wine tasting so as not to interfere with my planned afternoon run. And while at our neighbor's house for dinner last night I made health(ier) choices.  But when the option to eat an It's It bar came up I ate it.  I've never been about maintaining the perfect diet and I'm not going to start now.  And I engaged in some before-bed eating but instead of candy and junk it was a corn-on-the-cob and some cantaloupe.  Progress, not perfection.

So I'm having to use a bit more mental energy to keep my eating on track, partially because my body has quickly gotten accustomed to eating more. My stomach is sending me hunger signals before meal/snack times, "Can we eat now...how about now?  Is it time to eat yet?  Now?".  So I'm hydrating and reminding myself that things will settle down after a few days.  The body adapts so quickly, it's amazing!  And the hunger = bad thing started but I'm working on going back to hunger = neutral, a much more realistic place to hang out.

Ok, a quick exercise rundown before I wrap this up.  Friday was a gym day.  My back was sore from some of my core work on Thursday but I still managed to get my run on the treadmill.  I did 25 minutes, the first five at 6.0mph and then intervals between 6.4 and 7.4 the rest of the time.  It was tough, tough, tough, but I am tougher.  After that I did back/biceps/core, skipping back extensions until the soreness in my back goes away.  Saturday was a much needed rest day.  Yesterday I ran for an hour.  No idea on distance or pace, just running.  Still tough but what should I expect?  I've been putting junk into my body and asking it to perform well.  Today I'll hit the gym after work for a spin on the upright bike and then legs/shoulders/core.

So there you have it.  My foray into old behaviors and my methods and motivations to slowly back away from those old behaviors.  I want to write that I have total faith I'll have this buckled down in no time but my confidence just isn't all that high right now.  What I do know is I won't give up, I'll be here fighting the good fight.  It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

------------------------

ps - I got two bits of positive feedback from random strangers.  First, a guy at my gym commented, "you work out hard!" after being on the elliptical behind me on the treadmill on Friday.  Yep, that's me.  And second, I was chatting with Glen at the gym and a fellow gym-goer that I didn't know.  He stopped and said, "Hey, are you the woman in the poster?" (gesturing to my larger than life poster in the window).  Yep, that's me.  "Well, oh my, it's nice to meet you."  IronSnoopy (a no less than three time Ironman finisher!) commented on a recent post of mine saying she wished I could see myself as others see me.  I wish I could too.  Hopefully I'll get there one day, but until then the positive feedback sure doesn't hurt. 

Tough Love is Still Love

Moving right along, right?  Tuesday I went to the gym after work and started with a run outside.  I ran for 25 minutes, taking it sort of easy but pushing myself enough that I felt like I was working.  No Garmin, just free and easy running.  I got back to the gym feeling ready for my strength routine, chest/triceps/core.  I started in on pushups and whoa...my body felt so heavy, like I had the body of a lumberjack.  For whatever reason a lot of my exercises were harder than usual.  I whined to myself for a moment or two and then dug in my heels and fought the good fight, getting all my stuff done before a nice stretch.

Unfortunately Tuesday night after the kids were in bed I started munching on some Pirate Booty (if you don't have kids you might not be familiar with this stuff), basically glorified cheese puffs, "baked rice and corn puffs."  We'd had a bunch leftover from Marek's birthday party and I was so glad when we finally ran out (so I could stop munching on it).  And then Miguel took the kids to Costco to get some stuff and came home with a fresh bag.  Ugh.  Anyway, I sat watching bad TV and eating it like a bottomless bucket of popcorn.  No wonder the scale is up, it's not rocket science, I'm taking in more calories than I need.  I plan to watch things for a bit and if I hit 145 the alarms will go off and I'll start tracking again whether I like it or not.  Tough love is better than no love.

Wednesday was a rest day from the gym and I really needed it!  After the 10k and then two gym days I was ready to let my muscles take a break.  I had a work training so I wasn't home as is usually the case.  The weather was so nice, it was hard to be indoors.

Today I hit the gym after work. I started with a 25 minute ride on the upright bike.  Triathlete guy was there again so he kept me distracted by telling me about a 50 mile ride he did over the weekend, part of the Sea Otter Classic.  He turned it into a getaway weekend with his wife, which is a fun way to do an out of town race event.  And I got to talk about my 10k.  I like race talk and the time just flies by.  After the bike I did legs/shoulders/core.  I pushed things a bit on the core work and now my lower back is sore.

Ok, that's all I got.  I'm off to get some much needed rest.

4 Things on my Mind

1.  The official results came in from the Presidio 10k and I am amazed at my placement!

Erin Clark = Me

Obviously I'm not Erin Clark, she's the original owner of my bib (thanks for the bib Erin!!).  So my overall placement was 511/1522, just a few spots shy of being in the top third.  But I was in the top third for female overall (229/988) and for my age group, F40-44 (22/94).  Blows my top 50% goal out of the water!!  I'm not getting that much faster so these must be races with more casual runners. (While writing this Kristy pointed out I'm actually in the top quarter in some placements - woot!!)

2. The scale is up.  I was over 141 this morning.  I think I mentioned we hit two birthday parties this weekend, one on Saturday and another on Sunday.  All that cake and party food is catching up with me.  I haven't been over 141 in ages.  Maybe it's time to buy that total cleanse Groupon is always pushing on me.  Neh, I'm not a cleanse kind of gal.  But maybe it is time to stop with the after dinner snacking that has been out of control.  I think I needed the scale to go up to motivate me.

So I hit the gym yesterday after work.  I was feeling kind of tired and wondered if I should skip it in light of the 10k.  Then I remembered that I was only running for an hour and that's not significant enough to warrant a rest day.  Plus I felt fine physically, not sore or anything, just a bit stiff.  I rode the upright bike on level 8 for 25 minutes, which felt pretty good.  Then I did back/biceps/core.  My back is almost back to normal, still some slight discomfort now and then.

As far as food I continued to make some poor choices last night (that was before the 141+ weight check this AM), digging in to leftover party-favor-candy.  And later a bowl of granola cereal.  At least I didn't have the dinner roll with butter that's been my bad habit of late.  Today I'm going to Thai food for lunch with a friend.  That won't help.  Good thing I'm hitting the gym later.

3.  So we've been having a bit of record breaking warm weather here in the SF Bay Area the last few days.  That means summer clothes!  I've been sporting shorts, tank tops, and skirts and enjoying every minute of it.  I'm still getting accustomed to wearing tank tops in public but with each bare-armed outing I'm getting more comfortable.  I was in the city for lunch last week and I saw a woman with my arms.  She was fit and trim and had my exact disproportionately large arms.  And you know what?  She didn't look bad.  I stared and stared and hoped she didn't notice.

I mentioned this to my lunch date and he said, "yeah, but she's got a different body type than you do."  How so, I asked.  "She's just big boned overall."  I 'bout fell out of my chair laughing.  I'm big boned, aren't I?  Do people really see me as small now?  Reminds me of the person who said, "That's because you have a petite frame" in reference to how clothes fit me.  Anyway, this woman was obviously fit, maybe a bit bigger than me overall but I couldn't see it, and with arms just like mine.  And she was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and it looked good.  I wonder if I'll ever see in the mirror what others see.  Decades and years and endless days of seeing a big girl in the mirror, maybe my eyes are too distorted to see what's there. 

Speaking of summer clothes, I snapped a picture of my outfit today to share.  The weather is forecast to start cooling off again starting tomorrow so I took the opportunity to wear a skirt.  I brought a sweater to wear over when meeting with clients.  I've seen women wear sleeveless shirts in a professional setting but I'm not convinced it's a good idea for me.  I think the strappy sandals and flowery skirt are about as far I'm willing to go.  Oh, my toenail is just about grown back enough to get a pedicure.  Might be on my to-do list this week.

4.  Ok, last thing.  I think I've mentioned there's been mention of me and some mom/runner friends doing a full marathon in October.  This idea was cooked up by Deb and Laurie over a couple post-run beers after the Emerald 12k.  I don't think any of us thought it would really happen.  And then Deb goes and loses her mind, registering this morning and throwing down some serious peer pressure on Laurie and I.  And then Laurie throws her hat in the ring.  Holy cow!  Is this my year for my first, and possibly only, full marathon?!

We'd be doing the Humboldt Redwoods Marathon, set amongst the towering giant redwood trees in Humboldt Redwoods State Park.  I found this race report on Road Bunner's blog (cute name!) and the whole thing sounds doable.  Easy to say from the comfort of my chair.  I did a quick poll of my FB peeps and...

Love all the support, thank you!!  With a deep breath and probably not enough time to consider what it means, I'm in!  Can I start carb-loading now?