You Spin Me Right 'Round, Baby, Right Round...Like A Broken Record.

It's official, I wear a size 14! I went shopping last night and every size 14 I tried on fit! Some were even loose. I even fit into a couple of size 12's! I lost 2.8 pounds at weigh-in. I am now exactly 190.0 pounds. That means next week, I imagine, I'll be in the 180's. I haven't been in the 180's in seven years. I can't believe it. Literally.

First off let me apologize to anyone reading this (like Benji, Megan, Irene, Mprfct - Thanks for the Support!!). It's monotonous drivel from a neurotic woman who gets fixated on certain topics for days, sometimes weeks, on end. Thank you for bearing with me.

I was talking to my husband about how I'm struggling to see myself as having lost weight and being smaller. When I look in the mirror naked all I see is fat, fat, and more fat. My husband suggested posting before pictures on the fridge next to current ones so I can get a visual of how different I look. I think that's a good idea. I talked to a friend who said a friend of hers lost about 200 pounds and that it took her years before her view of herself adjusted to match reality. Wow, that made me feel better. I'm not just a neurotic mess who doesn't know how to appreciate a good thing when I see it.

Six months ago size 14 would have been heaven. To tell the truth I didn't really believe I was going to make it here. I just plugged along focusing on what was in front of me, the next weigh-in, the next meal, the next challenge. So, here I am. I have a long way to go but the funny thing is, I'm starting to believe I'll get there.

Of course, I have to be neurotic about that too. I think believing I'll get there is making me more critical of myself as I am now. Before I just accepted that I was fat and had an, "oh well, at least I'm doing something about it" attitude. Now the fat is bothering me. The reality is, though, I don't think I can get thin enough for the fat not to bother me. If history is any guide, I'll never be satisfied.

Which brings me back to seeing myself as I am now. I need to see my accomplishment, celebrate it, internalize it. Every time someone compliments me on the weight loss I say, "ah, well, I have so much more to lose." I need to stop that altogether. "Thank you, I've worked hard at it and I appreciate your support."

I am so focused on these kinds of issues because I'm convinced they are part of why I have not maintained weight loss in the past. The constant state of not being good enough is tiresome, and eventually leads to relapse. My mind thinks I'm not relapsing since I never succeeded to begin with.

Anyway, I'm thrilled with the weight loss this week; still, I don't want to work too hard and burn myself out. I'm also going to start shooting for one outdoor activity per week. This afternoon I'm going on a 3.5 mile walk, including crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. It'll be beautiful. I love San Francisco.

I love this site. I'm cross-posting on Meg's and my Biggest Loser site but it's just not the same as here. Thank you again to all for the support, encouragement, tips and tricks, etc.

Live & Learn

Live and learn...that's what I'm trying to do. I didn't go to the gym today. This is my second day off this week. I have a plan for the rest of the week. I'm going to go on Thur and Fri, which will make four gym days this week. On Saturday I have plans to go on a symbolic New Year walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. Wanted to do it closer to New Years but the weather was too crappy. The bridge walk is a total of 3.5 miles including some stairs leading up to the bridge. It will be a nice, outdoor physical activity. Right in line with Lifestyle Change as opposed to Diet.

For lunch today I had leftover salmon. Man, it was good. Eating healthy is underrated. I enjoy my meals so much more when I'm eating well.

Dinner was grilled rib eye steaks, thin cut, cooked on the actual grill. Before I'd eat a whole thick cut steak. Now, I ate 1/2 of the thin cut, which was a little less than 3 ounces. I'll admit, it was a pretty measly amount, but I had enough food and I will enjoy the other half tomorrow. If I had the points I would have eaten the whole thing.

At the grocery store they were giving away samples of weight watchers food. They had some of the cakes and muffins out. I tried the caramel cake, it wasn't bad. I took a chocolate muffin to try some other time.

I honestly can't believe I'm wearing a size 14. Literally, it is hard for me to take in as part of reality. I don't know how to fix this problem. It doesn't matter how thin I get, I always think I need to get thinner (which, right now, I actually do need to get thinner). If you had asked me last year how'd I feel to be in a size 14 I would have said "thrilled". And I am, but not really. How do I celebrate and enjoy where I am while I strive to improve? Instead of doing that, I focus on what's still not right, on what's wrong. I look down at my belly and it looks huge (but it is huge...ugh).

Ok, enough negativity. What's going right? I am enjoying my meals. I'm learning to balance exercise. I like getting dressed in the morning. I am walking up the (big) hill to my office without getting winded (big accomplishment for me!). I run up the stairs in my condo instead of limping along like I often did before. I am happier. I get out more and do a lot more interesting things. What else?

The Turtoise & The Hare...A Marathon Not A Sprint, etc, etc

I push myself, sometimes I think too hard, other times I think not hard enough. One thing I've done in the past is set standards and expectations that I can't live up to. Then I give up. I need to make sure I'm in this for the long run and do things in a way that allows me to maintain them for the long run.

I got some advice yesterday that I'm going to follow, sort of. I have been doing 45 minutes of cardio followed by weight training, core work and stretching 5 days a week. The advice was to cut down to four days a week and to cut down to 30 minutes of cardio. I can't do both, it just seems like too much slack. But I am comfortable with doing one or the other. So this week I'm going to keep up doing 45 minutes of cardio but I'm only going to go four times. We'll see what I decide for next week.

I noticed that as my weight goal has seemed more of a reality I've gotten more focused on losing weight. I think more about my weekly weigh-in and how much I'm going to lose than I used to. I want to get back to my previous way of thinking. I eat healthy and exercise and I lose weight. Exactly how much I lose is not as important as my leading a healthy lifestyle. Eventually I will lose all the weight. This push to lose is not the way I want to think about my new lifestyle, that's part of the diet mentality that I am trying to avoid.

One of the kinks though, is I know I can't really trust myself. I wonder, Am I slacking off because I'm pushing myself too hard and need to avoid burnout? or Am I slacking off because I'm starting to fall off the wagon and don't know it. This paranoia and neurotic thinking drives me nuts!

Anyway, yesterday was great. I had my standard healthy breakfast. I'm one of those people that can eat the same thing for breakfast for months on end. I went to lunch with a co-worker to an Indian buffet. In the past this would have been an opportunity to stuff my face. Today I ate what I believe was a normal amount of food. I didn't feel stuffed afterward and got hungry for my snack of sugar snap peas around 3pm. I was hungry for dinner right on time too. I see hunger pangs of a sign that the amount of food I'm eating is just right.

Wrapping up a good weekend

Today was pretty good. I slept in until nearly 10 am. I felt really tired. I get a bit nervous when I start feeling really tired for several days in a row. I think it was that sort of thing that led me to quit the last time I tried to get in shape. Anyway, I slept until 10 and then made myself get up. I putzed around the house for a couple hours and then got ready to go to the gym. Miguel joined me. Today was really fun because he and I stretched together. He showed me some of his soccer stretches, which you do with another person. I hope we can do more of that.

I had some Flax Raisin Bran cereal with FF milk and a banana for breakfast. After the gym I had a Fuji apple, two Clementine oranges, and a serving of FF Pringles. That was a sorta lunch but not really because I ate it on the way to Mom's house for dinner. I didn't want to go starving or I'd eat everything in sight!

Mom made a healthy dinner. For appetizer snacks she had baked pita chips and hummus. Someone brought a fruit platter too. For dinner she baked petrale sole with onion, tomatoes, capers...it was really tasty. She made brown basmati rice with mushrooms and pine nuts. There was salad and broccoli. I had a small glass of wine and then drank water the rest of the time. The whole meal was delicious! Some of the guests brought desert though.... I had a cupcake and a big piece of chocolate cake that tasted like a brownie. Yummm. All in all I think it was pretty good. If I had to do it over I would have skipped the cupcake and had a smaller piece of cake. Still, I don't shoot for perfection so I'm okay with the way things went. Live and learn.

I got lots of "Looking Good!" compliments. My mother even said, "I don't care, I'm going to be honest, I'm friggin' jealous!" She and I both struggle with weight issues and for the past few years she's been smaller than me. She told me it's harder for her to see me in better shape than she is. I weigh 20 pounds more than her still but she swears I look better. Mother/Daughter relationships are a trip.