Eating is Not the Problem

This morning I was munching away on my breakfast, a slice of white toast with butter, peanut butter and strawberry jelly. I started out with a butter and jelly plan when I realized peanut butter would make it a more filling breakfast, which is why I ended up with all three. Anyway, the thing is, this is a meal I would normally describe as "bad". And don't get me wrong, I'm not about to say it's the healthiest option. What I do want to share is a small revelation I had while eating it.

Before I share my little moment of insight I have to say it's amazing how much self talk goes on in my head in relation to food. What prompted me to tune into those thoughts this morning was my having a new idea, if that didn't happen I probably wouldn't have really taken notice of my self talk. I wonder how much I say to myself, in my head, about food each day? I wonder if every time I eat, or think about eating, of have finished eating if there's some food self talk along with it. Probably. Anyway, what I realized while eating my not so healthy breakfast was this: It's not eating that's the problem, it's OVEReating.

How many times have I watched a thin person eating something "bad" and thought to myself, "How does she stay skinny and eat things like that?". I know it's weight loss 101 but, moderation. She eats a small amount. And she probably doesn't eat those types of food all the time, but even if she does, moderation will temper many a food sin. I feel silly even acting like this is some new idea but I guess it just struck me and helped me understand in a new way.

It's eating season people. I am a believer in eating however you want on big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and your birthday. After a while "eating however you want" changes though, right? My overeating these days is nothing like days of past. I can still put away some food, especially when it's an all day affair but still not like in the past. Which is a good thing.

One more thing - I want to add something to my last post. I said, Most of the time the justification for giving in to a craving comes down to some version of "I deserve it". And what I realized in the days following that post, as I paid more attention to my self talk (there it is again), was that just as often my motivation is I want to feel good, I want comfort. I need to ask myself if there are other ways I can get that feeling. Food is so easy but something like a hot bath, a good book, a chat with a good friend - those things feel good and are comforting. I'm going to have to work on this angle as well. This is a regular message in WW but I never really connected to it. Maybe now I will.

I'll close with a family picture taken at the local pumpkin patch before Halloween. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!!

Trick, or Treat?

I was having one of those fellow food-junkie talks with a friend, mulling over food cravings and the thoughts behind them. Most of the time the justification for giving in to a craving comes down to some version of "I deserve it." If I break that down though, it doesn't make sense. It's a trick, not a treat.

What I deserve is to feel good about my body. What I deserve is the ability to move and be active. What I deserve is to be free from the aches and pains that come with extra weight and lack of muscle strength. What I deserve is to have what I truly want, not what I think I want in this moment.

So as you can imagine this line of discussion came out of the Halloween candy that found its way into my home. Where did this chocolate come from? Funny thing, either I purchased it for others, or it was given to my son. None of it was intended for me. But you know how that goes. Anyway, I won't go into all the details except to say that a few days after Halloween I gave away a bunch of candy before I ate it all myself. It's the small victories.

I know I'm at a crossroads. I know that I want to maintain the weight I lost with having the baby so that I am better poised to lose more later, and so I don't feel like crud for gaining 20 pounds like I did after baby #1 was done nursing. I must learn from that past mistake. But my eating is such that I'm on path to do the same thing. So I'm thinking a lot about changing. Here's some of the self talk I've been doing lately:

"Every meal, every bite is an opportunity to make a better choice."
"If I resist it once (in the store) I won't have to resist it a thousand times at home... and in the end eat it anyway."
"What do I truly want?"
"How about some water?"

There are a lot others but the point is I'm trying to get some control. But I need support and right now I'm not getting much. I'm not in the place that I want to do Weight Watchers, it just doesn't feel like the right fit right now. I was talking with a friend, saying I wanted some type of weekly group support and she suggested I check out OA (Overeaters Anonymous). Of course my first reaction was, "I don't want to do the 12-steps and all that." She insists you don't have to do that part if you don't want to. Funny thing, in my line of work I'm always talking up the 12 step recovery and telling people to go to meetings even if they're just curious, and I'm hesitating. Anyway, I think I'm going to go. I have to do something. And, since I'm not going to dive into triathlon training or start tracking every bite, OA seems like something interesting to try. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lastly - baby update. Both continue to grow and thrive beautifully. Myra had her 2-month checkup today and is already 10 pounds! And she's shot up in length, 22.5 inches. Marek has developed a willfulness that is mostly a joy to watch but sometimes is argh! My family has become more than I ever imagined it could be and I am striving to love every moment.





Thank you for all the supportive comments and for sharing the joy that is my new little bundle of love. I appreciate everyone that reads this blog and reminds me know that I'm not alone on this journey.

Pregnancy and Weight + One New Baby!

A few numbers that bounce around in my head:

233 - how much I weighed when I started my weight loss journey in Feb 2007

158 - how much I weighed when I stopped "losing" due to pregnancy #1. I was 8 pounds away from my goal weight at this point. So close...and still so far.

198 - how much I weighed at my 40 week appointment. Full term and under 200 pounds, I was happy!

178 - how much I weighed post pregnancy, when all the swelling went down.

198 - how much I weighed when I got pregnant with #2. What about the 20 pound gain you ask? Basically when I stopped breastfeeding I didn't change my eating habits and packed on the 20 pounds pretty quickly.

214 - how much I weighed at my 40 week appointment with #2. With this pregnancy my goal was to stay under 233. Going over my original start weight would have taken a psychological toll.

188 - how much I weigh now. I'm still breastfeeding and trying to eat healthy. Have I learned my lesson? Will I keep eating too much after the breastfeeding and pack on the weight again? I hope not.

Ok, just a quick picture or two of what I've been up to besides thinking about weight numbers. Introducing...Myra Lynn. Born on Labor Day, Sept 6th. She weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces and has rounded out our family perfectly :)

Is There Anybody Out There?

Rather, is there anybody in here? Yes, I'm still here. My weight loss journey has taken a hiatus due to family building. For a while I was worried I'd never get back to it but now I have this deep confidence that I will. It mostly comes from an inability to veg out 24/7 like I used to not only be able to do, but at which I really excelled. Not anymore, I like to be active. Right now it's just a little bit but I know it will be more in due time.

Anyway, life is moving along. After a lifetime of believing I wanted only one child, Marek has inspired us to have another. We are expecting a little girl in early September. Too bad I didn't lose the baby weight before I got pregnant again but it's water under the bridge now. I'm just trying not to gain another 40 pounds with this pregnancy.

To that end I try to get a good walk in at least a couple times a week, if not more, and something active on the weekend. And though this blog is obviously taking some sort of babymoon I'm not going to pull it down, I know people still happen upon it now and again and hopefully get some inspiration.

Thank you to any who's kept me in their thoughts, to those that ask me for an update every now and again, those are always nice reminders that I haven't disappeared from the blogosphere :) I'll close with a couple recent pics.

Marek's one year picture. He turned 1 on March 14th. Wasn't that fast?

Marek taking a break with dad.

I took a turn pulling on some flat ground :)