Balancing My Inner Motivators

Maybe it's time for some major introspection. Maybe all this, "My eating is not good", said in a passing manner, is not doing the problem justice. This journey is always about finding balance. In this case it's balance between the hardline approach and the gentle approach.

Both have their benefits, something to offer, but for me, the gentle approach offers more in the end. It's positive, hopeful and understanding. Understanding with regard to my imperfection. And central to following the gentle approach is knowing, knowing that motivation will return. It will return and when it does, that's when I can "Get it together!" and "Crack down!" - but the difference will be, I will do it out of an internal desire, without the cognitive dissonance (sorry for the psych terminology there) I'd experience if I tried to take that approach now.

Let's follow that path for a moment, the hardline path. So I try get "tough" with myself, tell myself DO THIS, DO THAT, STOP MAKING MISTAKES! And yet, because my motivation is a bit off (a bit, Michelle, really?), because my attention is diverted to other things right now, because my heart's not in it, there will be that push-back, that inner rebel who doesn't want to be forced into anything. And then I'll falter, I'll fight harder than I need to for lesser results. And in the end, I could end up in a deeper hole than I'm in now.

But if I take the gentle path, approach each decision as an opportunity to do the best I can in that moment, then I have a chance of maintaining a core strength, one not weakened by battle, and that strength will be there for me when the spark comes. Does that make sense? Am I over-thinking this? Well, of course I am, I over-think everything but that's just what works for me.

The Turkey Roll

No, I'm not talking about a re-imagined recipe from the 50's involving rolled up turkey meat and cream cheese. I'm talking about a bike ride, on Thanksgiving! Last year I did the turkey trot, this year, the turkey roll.

The weather was gorgeous. I mean perfect, sunny, windless, gorgousity. San Francisco Bay perfection is what it was. Early that morning I'd packed my car with layer upon layer of warm clothes only to need hardly any of them. It was still a bit chilly when we started so I wore a thin base layer, a slightly thicker top and a windbreaker type jacket. I had on bike shorts with capri pants over them.

We started out at Blackie's Pasture in Tiburon, probably my favorite launch site for all things bike and run related. If there were a place to swim in the bay there it'd be perfection. Wait...maybe you can swim from there. Richardson Bay is right there...I'll have to check that out. Anyway, back to The Turkey Roll.

We rode from Blackie's Pasture toward Mill Valley without a clear plan on where to go. Down the Mill Valley/Sausalito path into Sausalito. Well heck, if we've gone this far, why not head toward SF? The views of the bay were phenomenal. So a bit of climbing from Sausalito up to the base of the GG Bridge. By then the plan was to ride over the bridge but Conzelman Road was calling to me.

Conzelman was the final hill on my list of hills. Marshall Wall (check), Big Rock/Lucas Valley Road (check, and check) and Conzelman Road. I don't know why this hill scared me so much. Oh wait, yes I do, because it looks scary as hell! It just winds up, and up and up. And there's the car factor. It's a two lane road on a cliffside with tourists winding up. Eek!

But yesterday seemed like ideal conditions. Ideal. Perfect weather (by then I'd ditched my top layer and converted my jacket into a vest) and almost no cars (remember, it was Thanksgiving morning, most sane people were home cooking). I had to do it. So I took a deep breath and started pedaling. I remembered all my hill skills - go as slow as you need to, pick a spot in the near distance and ride to that, remember - hills always look worse than they are, steady even strokes, take your time the hill will wait.

This hill was nice in that there was a little bit of a break about 1/3 of the way up. Here, check out the elevation profile (full Garmin stats here). You can hold your applause.

Conzelman Road & Marin Headlands elevation profile

After a brief photo opp we discussed ways to get back down. We could ride back the way we came or ride partially back that way and then turn left to go the tunnel route. Being adventurous and apparently able to conquer any hills we might encounter, I went with the mysterious tunnel route. But first, photos.

Satellite view of the ride.

Alive and well!

As I was riding up the hill I was thinking, "Yep, this is why this matters to me, why I want to stay in shape, why my eating habits matter." If only that were translating into healthier choices but more on that in a bit.

So a bit of WHEEEEEE! down the hill back into Sausalito. My legs started to hurt a tad in the last few miles but nothing that rose to the level of pain. Just a reminder that I've not been moving them enough lately. After the ride we went for a snack before I headed home. I had a quick shower, packed up the kids and Miguel and I headed to my mom's house. Thank goodness for moms who host Thanksgiving! I brought some cranberry/permission sauce and the tequila. Yep, margaritas were apparently on the menu.

I skipped the margaritas but most everything else made it into my mouth. Here's my Thanksgiving plate.

Thanksgiving Dinner

And if that's all I'd eaten all would have been right with the world. But no, I ate that plus olives, nuts, several (albeit tiny) slices of pie, chocolates...the list goes on I'm sure. I've been eating like that lately, like food is never going to come around again. No, more like I'm constantly looking for some form of distraction or comfort or anythingotherthanthemoment.

My weight is stable (142.2) but my body fat is creeping up. I was at 30% the other morning! It's exactly like I described in my Fool Me Once post - if you rely on your weight as the only measure of how you're doing, when you first start to fall off the wagon the scale fools you into thinking you're ok - when you're not. Your body fat is creeping up, your muscle is wasting away and soon, all hell is going to break loose. And I'm at soon right now.

What happens if you see a train coming down the tracks, directly at you? Get the hell out of the way, right? Do you see me moving? Not really. But I want this, I know I do, and I know I'll find my way back to what works for me before too long. If I don't, I might have a posse of people ready to do an intervention on me and send me off to fat camp somewhere for some re-conditioning.

Meanwhile, I'm about to undergo a bit of surgery. I'm not really in a position to share what that's all about right now but don't worry, no life threatening involved. It's just a bit personal and I'm not up for getting into too many details on that right now. One day I will, just not now. I know, a lot of mystery on my blog lately right? Sorry 'bout that.

So the surgery is this coming Tuesday and I'll be seriously recovering for a good 7 - 10 days. Doc says NO exercise for at least two weeks. If my timing is right I might be limping into the gym with all the resolutioners come January 1st. That I should be so lucky. So I have two goal races to get me back on track post-surgery. If my body responds well and I bounce back quick-like, I'll shoot for the Kaiser half in February. But more like is the Emerald Nut Run in March, which is only a 12k - more time to train and a shorter run, MUCH more likely to happen.

Ok, so the personal life is chaotic, work is busy, I'm in some sort of slump thing and I'm heading into surgery. Lovely. I guess we'll just have to see how this goes. You know I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for all the support - I'm really going to need it in the coming weeks/months.

The Pneumonia Chronicles

I came home from Hollywood and crashed. It was a busy two-and-a-half days and unfortunately I had to work on Friday. Exercise was in the way back of my mind. Friday ran late but luckily I had dinner/playdate plans at a friend's house so at least I didn't have to figure out what I and the munchkins were going to eat.

A quick background on the pneumonia saga. I was diagnosed about three weeks ago. After a one-week round of antibiotics I went to the doctor for a follow-up appointment. Bad news, I wasn't as far along on the road to recovery as the doc had hoped. She said I could 1. Wait it out and hope for the best or 2. Do a second round of antibiotics and knock it out for sure. With the Hollywood trip on the horizon (and with being tired of being sick) I chose #2. I started round two of the antibiotics but unfortunately I forgot to take them on the 2nd day. And then on the 4th day I realized I was supposed to take them twice a day, not once a day like I had been. So I stopped taking them altogether. I figured she'd given me option 1 and I'll just switch to that, especially since I was feeling better.

Jump to Friday evening. While in Hollywood I'd had a bit of fever at night. Plus I felt tired. In the airport waiting to come home I felt almost drugged. I knew the trip was exhausting but not that exhausting. My friend Catherine is a nurse so I asked her to give my lungs a listen. Not good. She could hear crackles and let me know there's infection there. Dammit. So I started back on the antibiotics, taking them twice a day and not forgetting a dose. And I have a new follow-up appointment for Wednesday to see how my lungs sound.

Thanks for the support FB peeps!

In response to this Facebook post Melissa asked why I keep getting it. I wish I knew. This isn't really me getting it again though, it's more like it never went away. This is only the second time I've had it. If I get it again the doc's going to send me to a pulmonologist. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

And oh yeah, the Oreos. Ugh. My eating has been all wonky. Super wonky. Scary wonky. It's the exercise/tired/off schedule thing. I think. I hope. No, I know. I know that's it. I know I am not returning to the old me. And if my prior lifestyle is trying to launch a comeback during this weak time, well it's not going to happen. If nothing else I have this blog to set me straight, right?

So bad food choices aside, I think I'm doing ok, considering. On Saturday I did a leisurely 8-mile bike ride on a relatively flat paved trail. Sunday brought another bike ride, this time a tiny bit more work riding along The Great Highway in San Francisco. I rode from Sloat Blvd up past the Cliff House and back, also about 8 miles but including a few good hills. It's hard to ride very far in SF without encountering a hill or two. I felt good. My legs were hurting a bit but it felt good to be doing something.

Today it was back to the workweek. I felt a bit feverish this evening but on the whole I think I'm getting better. Oh, what the hell do I know. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a wet sheet under me from all the sweat. Gross, I know. And on that happy note, I'll wrap this up.

Big Day #2, It's a Wrap!

Big Day #2 is coming to a close. And while this was a big day just like yesterday, they were very different. Yesterday was more about fun, confidence, and celebrating who I am today. Today felt more about sharing the message of hope for successful weight loss and maintenance, and involved a ton of nerves!

Fortunately we had a late call this morning. Roni checked with me about breakfast and after sleeping in (me, not her, she did a CrossFit workout this morning) I was ready to do something. So I packed up my clothes and met her at the hotel restaurant. Our hosts gave us dining money and neither of us were even close on spending it so we went crazy with breakfast, trying a bit of everything. Really it was more like brunch, which maybe will make this sound better.

I ordered oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins, a veggie/avocado/cheese scramble with hash browns and we shared a side of jalapeno bacon (bacon marinated in jalapenos - now there's an idea!). She had a scramble, hash browns and a side of fruit. The food was all delicious. The scrambles had more choices of cheese than I've ever seen on a menu. I love gruyere cheese so I went with that, yum!

The waiter even commented on our order, "that's a lot of food." Yep, but we got it covered. Kind of. I ate most of my oatmeal, most of my scramble, skimmed the yummy/crunchy part off the hash browns and left the rest, and had a slice of bacon. I'd meant to take pics of my food when it arrived but didn't remember until I was almost done. Oh well, better late than never.

Julie, one of our hosts, arrived and I was able to share our bacon and my avocado with her. I joked with her that in the past that bacon would've been gone before she arrived. There's always going to be more food. It's not that I had a past fear of not having enough food, but I think subconsciously I viewed eating as an opportunity that I shouldn't pass up. Now I know, food is everywhere, very rarely is food a special opportunity. And when it is, I indulge, so I'm not missing out on a thing.

Anyway, back to my day. After breakfast our driver took us to the studio. More hair and makeup and more feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the changes that have taken place in my life over the past 6.5 years. There's the obvious change, the weight loss, but there's also becoming a mother to my two little loves, discovering the me I am today, and being willing wanting to boldly follow my path, where ever it leads and whatever fears I encounter along the way.

Ok, Michelle, pull it in, focus.

On the lot, heading into the stage area

Here I am getting makeup done by Jan Ping, a cancer survivor, Emmy award winning makeup artist. And an absolutely gorgeous woman!! Jan made me super glamorous and I'll admit, I felt a bit funny with all that eye makeup on but everyone assured me it will look good on TV.

Then it was on to hair, where Mimi Love - yes, that's her real name - made me look like a pro.

The final product!

Next up were microphones.

Me getting mic'd.

Roni and Erika's turn.

And then it was heading to the stage. My nerves are starting to climb!

I watched them prepping on the stage monitors and almost burst into tears. I felt like I was about to get a major award, like this was my Oscars or something. It's obviously not that big of an event but for me, on this journey, it felt that big. You know this isn't my normal life. All this attention, the recognition of my journey, it was a bit overwhelming.

Final pep talk from the stage manager and then 3, 2, 1...Go!

I wish I could tell you more but the rest will have to wait for a while. I will tell you I got to spend more time with two amazing fellow bloggers, Erika and Roni, and with our gracious, giving, kind, thoughtful, encouraging, supportive hosts. Can I say more nice things about these women? They treated us like the big-timers we obviously are (ha!) and reinforced our stories and our blogs as important, inspiring and motivating.

Here's a pic of me with Julie and Susan. Can't you tell just from the picture how awesome they are?!

Susan, Moi and Julie.

And even more photo love.

Erika, Julie, Me and Roni.

I'm at the airport waiting for my delayed flight to take me home. For dinner I had a McDonald's hamburger, a small bag of corn nuts and a McDonald's cone. And I have a bag of peanut M&Ms for the flight. I know, I know. It's all the nervous energy I think. To make matters worse I was hoping to get home in time to see my babies but with the flight delay they will be sleeping before I get there. I miss those little buggers. See you soon little loves!

I may never have another experience like this one again. But the memories - the people, the pictures, the feelings and the lessons - those will stay with me. And with that, Big Day #2 is a wrap!

Big Day #1

Whew, I'm exhausted. That is EXHAUSTED! Life has been crazier than ever. I can't possibly catch up since my last post so I'll mostly be sharing pictures. A highlight was this past Sunday when I went wine tasting with some friends. We stopped for a bit of shopping and though I didn't actually buy it, I loved this look.

Actually, the boots are mine. I loved the outfit but had to pass on the jeans and top for budgetary reasons.

Don't ask me about Monday, it's no fun. Let's move on to yesterday.

After work I flew to Hollywood, CA. I arrived at my hotel and promptly took in the scene. Cool, hip, fun.

I went down for dinner with one of the folks running this whole operation. Dinner was super yummy, we shared a couple appetizers and for my entree I had yet another appetizer, grilled octopus. It was just the right size and I enjoyed eating something I certainly wouldn't make at home. After dinner I met up with a co-secret-operation chick and went for an evening stroll.

Up bright and early this morning for Big Day #1. First to film some B roll (whatever the heck that is). Here I am with one of the producers and an intern.

Say Hi to Rob Bender and Hannah Henrickson

 At one point Hannah was holding my coffee while I was being interviewed and I had this, "whoa, I'm almost like a superstar" moment. Yeah, I know...almost is an understatement, but a girl can still daydream, right?

As I mentioned, I'm not alone in this whole thing, I have co-secret-operation chicks. Oh heck, I hope it's ok to mention the fellow bloggers with whom I'm having all this fun, Roni Noone from Roni's Weigh and Erika Kendall from A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss.

Roni waiting for her time to shoot

After the B roll business it was off to the studio for lots of picture taking, video capturing, interview having fun. The number of people that go into pulling off these types of operations is amazing, and they all work hard to make folks look good and feel good so they can have a great experience, be it personal or professional. I was so impressed by all of them - and since I can't go on and on about what this deal is all about - I want to use this post to share their pics and say a BIG thank you!!

First up is Erika, who did my makeup, working her magic on my face.

Thanks Erika!

Then off to hair, where Kristen continued with the prettying up.

And finally, clothes! Robyn helped us find the right duds for the "look" and Cee kept the clothes looking sharp for us.

How cute is Robyn?!

And there's Cee, prepping shoes while our hair and makeup gurus hang out.

So we're all set, ready to take some pictures!!

That's our super cool photographer Cheyenne Ellis getting things ready for us. Her energy was right up my alley, relaxed but serious. Did I mention she's gorgeous?!

Thank you Cheyenne!

Oh, and then there's Justin. He spent most of the day tracking as part of the whole operation. Which, quite frankly, was painless based only in part on his being so damn cute! The other part was that he was friendly and fun. A couple times during the day he saved us with music when our energy lagged.

Thanks Justin!

Let's see...who else was involved in all of this? There are others, but I think I have to save them for whenever it is I can talk about what this all was. I know, I know, I wish I could tell you all about it but the powers that be want us to keep mum until...until early next year. Then you know I'll go nuts posting pictures and video and the whole story.

But for now, I'll just share what I can...more pictures! Forgive me in advance for all the selfies. But hey, this is a blog, it goes along with the deal right?

Hi Erika!!

Lunch! You know I had cookies.

A photo-bombing photographer.

So I roped him for a selfie.

A total Glamour selfie with Roni. OMG, we are too much! I love it!!

And finally, a somewhat random picture that says so much...I had to have my blouse "pinned" because it was too big. What life is this I'm living? This is so surreal, so exciting and energizing! I can't wait to tell you more, and I can't wait to hopefully inspire someone, any one, just that one person, to get off the couch and start living!!

Tomorrow is Big Day #2. And I'm sure I'll write another equally secretive post to tell you as much as I can. And then it's back to my normal life. Unfortunately I didn't land a co-hosting gig on the Today show and I'm not on Amazing Race so this is a one-shot deal...really a two-in-one shot deal, well, actually, turns out it's a three-in-one but who's counting? Point is, tomorrow evening I'm heading back to my life.

Oh, last thing...after this whole big exciting day I mustered up the energy to exercise. I put on my running clothes and hit the streets of LA, running over the Hollywood Walk of Fame...which reminds me of a picture I forgot to share (gasp!)...I took this while out on that stroll last night with Roni...

I love Bette Midler!

Anyway, back to tonight...I went out for a quick run. I have no idea how far, for how long, or how fast I ran...all I know is I ran, and that's all that matters on a day like today. Then I hit the hotel gym for a quick weight training session. And then the treadmill for a mile (I'll admit the mystery distance bugged me and running the mile on the treadmill somehow made me feel better. I just needed a number! I'm crazy.) After the workout it was a quick trip back to the room to ready for dinner.

Dinner was super yummy, with great company, and included a round of desserts. Now I'm back in the room sharing all the fun here. My next post will probably be this weekend when I hope to tell you I've been exercising consistently and eating, well, let's just focus on the exercise for now. I hope you enjoyed all the pics, night all! And Lindsey, I'll see YOU tomorrow!!