Alright, alright, enough kidding around. Yes, I'm off the wagon. Yes, I'm once again vowing to turn over a new leaf. I went to the gym yesterday (thank you Katrina!) and found my gym diary showed my last workout was June 3rd, three weeks ago. Ugh.
So I've done some thinking. What's behind this gym resistance? I had a conversation recently...
me: Ugh, I don't feel like going to the gym lately. I'm so apathetic.
her: What do you think that's about?
me: ...well...I just don't feel like it.
Brilliant, aren't I? So I did some introspecting, trying to gain a better understanding of it all. I came to two conclusions. Well, three, I suppose.
#1. I am both rebelling against my new found lack of freedom and using it as an excuse. I used to be able to go to the gym whenever I was inspired to do so. Now I have to schedule it in. I have little windows in which I can go. Let the window pass and I'm stuck. It's very easy to let that window pass and then be comfortable in the knowledge that now I can't go.
#2. I think this is the biggie. I am angry that I have to lose weight. It's just not fair. In the past when I've re-gained weight I've lost it's been nothing but my own fault. This time, despite it not being entirely accurate, I view it as not my fault. I mean, I was pregnant. Of course I could have eaten better and exercised more while pregnant to avoid having to lose 30 pounds now, but that's not what happened. I choose, however, to ignore that part and pretend that I was powerless to the weight gain and am therefore angry and resentful at now having to lose said weight. I am angry at the unfairness of it. When I started this journey in February '07 I said I didn't know if I had it in me to lose the weight, and that I better get it right because I sure as heck didn't have it in me to do it, fail, and have to do it again. Well, here I am. It's true I no longer have 80+ pounds to lose (now there's something to be grateful for) but I realized that I'm angry to be back in a position of starting over, in any sense.
#3. I just don't feel like it. No, seriously, I think I'm dealing with a bit of self doubt. I don't really believe I can get back to where I was. I don't know why I doubt this, there's plenty of evidence to suggest I can, but I do. I need to change that thinking. I need to stop focusing on where I was, start from where I am, and make some short-term goals. Like really short, because even thinking about trying to lose 5 pounds sounds tough right now. Heck, I'm not even meeting my goal of going to meetings.
So the worst part of this spiral is that I am gaining weight. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks (surprise, surprise) so I'm not sure of the official gain but I think it's in the order of 5 pounds or so. I'm pushing 190 (!!) and the size 14 pants I purchased recently are getting tight (!!). I am at a fork in the road and I damn well better get a grip. [Today's blog is brought to you by metaphors]
No, that's not the worst part. The worst part is that I feel like crap. I'm getting more and more tired every day, inactivity begets inactivity and although I'm getting better and better at online Scrabble, it's not doing anything for my state of mind. So, time to take a bit of my own advice. Start again. Better than stopping again.
Oh, let me share a phone conversation between Miguel (husband) and I while he was driving home from work.
him: We need to go to the gym. Come on, meet me there.
me: No, I don't feel like it. I'm tired. You go.
him: But you need to go.
me: Why?
him: Because we're paying for it.
me: Let's cancel it then.
Yeah, well, what can I say? When I resist I resist. So, I'm looking for a new meeting. The leader I was going to left me with the impression she was talking to children. She had great things to say but her delivery didn't do it for me. If I have to go to her meetings I will though. Not as many choices around here as there used to be for some reason.
I have three weeks before I return to work. If I hit the gym for three weeks I'll be in good shape to keep it up once I'm back in the rat race. I'm really hoping these new insights will help me to move on and get back in the groove. Some good news is that I was able to do the same routine I was doing three weeks ago. 30 minutes of cardio (elliptical and walk/run treadmill) and weight training. And not sore today.
So, you all do such a great job of liking my pictures...I'll close with a few from the past weeks.
One of my favorites:
Marek and I and Miguel and Marek at the mother's club family picnic:
I actually went on a hike! 
With my grandfather over Father's Day weekend.
Thank you for stopping by :) I'm off to change, feed the baby, and hit the gym.
Posts
I can't believe I'm FIRST! ;-) Both you AND Shosh updated in one day - my day is complete!
ReplyDeleteYou both were my first blogs I ever read just one year ago! In fact, I'm pretty sure it YOUR blog that inspired me to try something new and different to get in shape and start living a healthy lifestyle!
You absolutely have this in you, I have no doubt about that.
My new mantra lately:
Push the mind and the body will follow. (PTMATBWF)
It works!
Cyndi (formerly BrokenScale and now I have this wierd user name and no picture since I moved to Wordpress...)
Hey Michelle! Glad you posted.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to add a #4...you had a baby. That's a whole life (body AND mind) altering, experience. You, your body, your psyche, is still recovering from that experience (and it takes awhile), and is adjusting to the new life you have. So be kind to yourself. You WILL get back into the swing of things because you want to (just don't be like me and wait until your son is 10 before you start :-).
BTW...I get the whole being angry thing. I was like that too. It's OK. Think about talking to someone about how you're feeling.
Hey Michelle, I don't have a baby but can empathise a bit with your thought processes. Once your mind starts labelling a workout as a "chore" it becomes a matter of "sneaking around your minds obstacles" so it doesn't really think you're working out :) I'm wondering if maybe you just STOP thinking about weight....weight/schmeight; the more muscles I have the more I weigh, if I'm retaining water I weigh more, if I ate too much 2 nights before I weigh more - such a silly number that we let make us feel guilty or pleased; you just gave BIRTH a few months ago, that is huge for your body to adapt and overcome! REALLY we are are all born with different genes - we are who we are. When we just accept our lot and focus on just being as healthy as we can be with the body we have RIGHT NOW, enjoying the outdoors or the feeling of moving blood through the body, thinking of the endorphins which sometimes come with moving the body, it becomes less of a hurdle. When we lower our expectations of ourselves things aren't so hard, hey you're only a mum to a newborn once or twice in your life so you should also cherish that part :) . So...I know we haven't met but here's my challenge to you: ignore the scale for a whole month. Think a little about the healthiest choices to put in your mouth when you crave a particular taste (eg. when I crave potato chips I try to find lightly salted corn chips with minimal processing and a a jar of low salt salsa - or I make my own), and WALK every single day for JUST 20-40mins or longer if you are enjoying the sunshine, preferably in the morning - or in the evening after dinner with Miguel; enjoy what nature has to offer (rain or shine), take a friend, start out strolling and build up to a brisk walk (not a power walk, just "comfortable fast" pace walk).That's it. just enjoy the basics, no stress on yourself, no mental stress over the weigh scale....anyways, you could just take this with a grain of salt but I know what it's like when that wagon starts going around and around and it's hard to get off...don't beat yourself up, just do activity you ENJOY that doesn't have the label "workout" attached to it!! best wishes
ReplyDeleteOh Michelle, I've missed you in blogland! I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time getting back on track. But, I KNOW you can. Miguel was right -- you need to. And I think you want to, yes?
ReplyDeleteWhen I started back up in May, it was because I was SO mad at myself for gaining almost all the weight back that I lost last year. I used the anger to fuel my ambition. So, I said to myself, OK, for the first week, just go for a walk, as far or as long as you can manage. Then start C25K again. So that's what I did, and the first week sucked so bad! I was so out of shape, which made me even madder! But I committed to that first week, so I stuck it out no matter how badly it sucked.
Once I got back into the routine, I found that on the days I didn't do something, it didn't feel right. And here I am, with about 16 more pounds to go to get get to where I left off back in the fall...
I know our situations are different, but I can relate to how you feel. How about just committing to even a *day* to start with? or just say, for a week, you're going to head out the door for a walk whenever you have a window. Just promise it to yourself, and do it.
I know you can! You'll be even madder later if you don't do something *now*.
*hugs*
P.S. the baby looks so happy and healthy! Good job. :)
starting over is good :)
ReplyDeletehaving a new precious bundle of joy is good..
finding the balance is hard :)
but you can do it!
I know exactly what your going through! I did it three times! (babies that is).... its IS frustrating.. hang in there!
you will be back at it in no time!
have you seen my starting over video?
http://mybodmod.blogspot.com/2007/12/heres-my-try-at-video.html
Oh.. I wanted to tell you too.. I found it very very difficult to make it to the gym when my kids were little.. we finally made a home gym and it was a peice of the puzzle i hadnt expected. I could workout when they napped.. in spurts, i could get up early before they woke and get it done .. no baby sitter needed. It worked so much better for me.
:).. glad to see you back
Alice is right, you have not just had a baby but a life altering change. Things will work themselves out just do the best you can and keep trying. Remember, success is getting up one more time then you fell down (or something like that :) Marek looks like such a happy baby!!!
ReplyDeleteYou have been missed!
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you anything that you don't already know, but sometimes you just have to go through the motions before you really get back into the swing of things. Just start paying attention to that workout schedule and that window of opportunity, as if your life depends on it, because, well, it does. It will all come back,
Look at how big Marek is! He's one smiley little dude! Major cuteness!
i love the pix of marek! he looks so adorable. it's a good thing you live over the bridge from me or i would come to your house and eat him up! ;)
ReplyDeleteHey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI am hearing your words, I did angry too, Angry that it is always an uphill battle for me...not to be my dream weight, but just to be a socially acceptable weight.
I was angry that pregnancy and having a beautiful baby made it harder for me to achieve a socially acceptable weight and that everyone saw it as my problem, and that in my endeavour to lose weight I felt guilty for not being a good mother! It was a vicious circle, with which I still struggle.
Cherelli had some wise words. Just try to make good choices, relish the good bits of motherhood and if something isn't working fitness wise, try something new.
I found it IMPOSSIBLE to get to the gym as it was in a different town and my husband and i do tag team work, so we bought a treadmill, and I became a runner. Best decision ever.
Hang in there, try to be healthy but don't beat yourself up, you're a star.
is there an event you could aim for? A small tri? That should get the motivation pumping
LOVE The pics
hello my friend.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I always appreciate your candor.
Second, I can relate to every thing you write about except for having gained weight via pregnancy.
I can only blame my weight gain on my appetite.
I hear you about the lack of motivation. I understand being angry at having to do this AGAIN.
I also know, and you know, that even if we take baby steps (like just getting TO the gym or taking that hike), we will feel better.
Try not to be too hard on yourself but do challenge yourself to do one "good" thing for YOU every day.
Hang in there.
Pics were GREAT!
Hey, I'm at the same place as you are and I don't even have a pregnancy to blame. Just stress, tiredness, lack of motivation and self respect I am suspecting.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it - I figure I just have to keep trying and one day it will be right again. Although, the worse I feel, the worse it gets! I don't want to go back either, but boy moving forward is hard too.
Love those pics - what an absolutely beautiful smile he has. The pic of him with your Grandad is fantastic.
I have had all of those feelings myself in the past. for so long I felt like, why do I have to lose weight? why do I have to work harder than some other people to do so? its not fair! I dont think its wrong to think those things, because it isnt fair at all. for me, I had to really look at myself and decide if I could really be happy where I was. the answer was no. so I had to get over the fact that it wasnt fair and it sucked to have to try and lose weight while others could go out and enjoy their life. just forget about that and just focus on yourself. throw out what you know and figure out something that excites and motivates you. what is a healthy eating plan that you could stick to? that you would feel comfortable following and wouldnt make you feel deprived? something that doesnt always make you think, this is unfair? I dont know what that is for you, but I know youll find it. just play around with something different every week. as far as exercise goes, I HATED exercising and going to the gym. for me, it wasnt until I found something that I connected with that I really felt motivated and inspired. if you hate leaving your house and going to the gym, why not find a really good dvd (or if you have a wii get some of the games such as Wii Fit, Wii Active, or Fitness Coach) or go for a walk every day etc. You might enjoy some of these activities more than what you used to enjoy before. once you get into a routine that you can manage with your life NOW (not pre baby), I think you will feel a lot more motivated. hang in there, youll find it!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, how obvious you are loved by the wonderful comments left for you.
ReplyDeleteI, like most here, have started over 100's of times. For me, its the mental game that trips me up. That internal self dialogue you wrote. Ugh. How I wish it were different, but its not. The cool thing is you've proven to yourself that you *can* do it...you *have* done it...you *will* do it again.
As Bill (BFLife) says, "it's progress not perfection..."
Keep posting. It's in the mirror we find the answers.
Jo Ann
I always enjoy your posts...your honesty of the things going on in your life helps me feel more human :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this says that JoAnn wrote - "it's progress not perfection..." I feel that if I focus on progress and making the small steps, I am still heading in the direction I am after :)
I've noticed a lot of people feeling recently like they're off the wagon. Is it something in the water?
ReplyDeleteEither way, I think your best motivation might be to sign up for some sort of race... even if it's just a 5K.
That way, by the time you finish, hopefully it will have inspired you to sign up for another one and keep the workouts going.
Good luck, and adorable photos!
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the pics of the baby. He is so BEAUTIFUL!!!! And so worth it all...weight gain...starting over..and etc.
We have all been there and like some of the others I don't have the excuse of "having a baby". Trust me when I say this...you WILL get your second wind! I did. It just takes time.
Sometimes I think we need to get to that point that we are freaked out (pants being tight and having to buy more???) before we actually are willing to take the reigns and say, "woah, hold up, I do not like the path that I"m on and only I can change it".
ReplyDeleteI speak from experience. I've been struggling. Your numbers 1, 2 and 3 were pretty much made for me. The only exception...well, for 2...I'm angry that I DON'T have an excuse for regaining weight! I did it myself and I'm immensely angry at that!
How was your gym workout??? Because you said you were going...so I"m asking!
I can't get over how adorable Marek is! I can't wait to finally meet him (and see you) in a couple weeks!
ReplyDeleteSo I checked your blog and my e-mail today for the first time in a few days. After I read your blog, I read one of the daily e-mails I get "from" Jillian Michaels (the Biggest Loser trainer) and it was perfect...wagon analogy and all. I had to share:
Suffered a Setback? Here's How to Get Back on the Wagon
It happens — you miss a few workouts and you feel like you've fallen off the weight-loss wagon. It's tempting to mentally slap yourself around, right? (Or head for the fridge.) Before you start, I want to remind you of something: Being hard on yourself is the Old You.
The New You knows how to deal with setbacks and get back on the wagon. And after all, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences. Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost.
And if you miss a workout, it's not the end of the world! Get to the gym the next day and continue to focus on your short-term goals. Just because you made bad choices today doesn't mean you can't start over tomorrow. New day? New beginning. And don't you forget it!