If I'm Not in Control, Who Is?

As promised (to myself), I have been very focused on my food intake this week.   I'd really gotten sloppy with the random food encounters as well as the social eating.  My focus has been made easier by reminding myself that these are habits I am freely developing, out of a deep desire to live a healthy, fit lifestyle. 

Exercise continues to go well.  I've been to the gym three times this week and will go today for #4.  On Monday I did 25 minutes on the upright bike (level 8), followed by legs/shoulders/core. The jump squats are HARD!  Oh boy, I have to psych myself out just to get through them.  Tuesday was a treadmill run for 25 minutes.  I'm still doing 6.0mph (which is starting to feel like an "easy" pace) with 7.0mph minute every 5 minutes.  But this time at the end I did 7.0 for 3 minutes (last time was 2).  I feel like I've made a breakthrough with the running in the last couple of months.  I just need my calves to cooperate.  I got some calf cramps this morning.  Anyway, after the run I did chest/triceps/core.  I increased my 3 sets of pushups to 12/10/9 reps.  And I did the last set of 9 at an incline, with my feet up on a high bench.  Oh, and this older gentleman stopped to tell me, "I'm ex-military and I can tell you, you do a nice pushup.  Back straight, you drop down all the way, nice work.  You don't see people doing pushups correctly that often anymore."  That put a big smile on my face for the rest of my workout (if not my day!).  Wednesday (yesterday) was a day off.

I had a little victory last night.  I was out at a mom's club meeting and had planned to eat dinner afterward.  I had a glass of wine (just one) and as the meeting wrapped up I started feeling really hungry and almost ate a piece of the pizza (I said I wasn't going to eat).  I walked over and looked at the pizza, already deciding to have a slice when I stopped myself.  My good friend Michelle was there so I hurried to get some support.  She was great for a quick reminder about why I'm not eating it, including pointing out that it was cold and asking me what my plan for dinner was.  Telling her about the grilled blackened chicken salad I planned to make at home snapped me out of it.  Close call!  Get help when you can people.  Thanks Michelle!!

So I'm going to the gym later today but I'm going light on the bike because Miguel and I have big plans for tomorrow!  I took the day off and the kids are going to daycare.  Miguel and I are going on a road ride.  It's been forever since we've gone on a long road ride together.  And the big news is that I'm working a climb into our route.  Notice I didn't call it a hill?  That's because it's not just a hill, but a continuous, long, uphill climb.  The kind of thing I've purposefully avoided for my entire cycling career.  It's not a crazy climb, more like an intro climb, but it's the first step. But now is the time, I've really been feeling like it's time, to face the music and see how I do.  Tillie (my bike) and I are in a for a treat.  And if I want to do a 1/2 IM (and I do) in 2014, I've got to learn to climb.

Finally, I just wanted to comment on something that came out in the hypnosis session.  When we were all done and discussing how the session went one of the things I said was, "I'm curious to see how this plays out over the next few days and weeks."  William pointed out that by saying I'm curious, it's like I'm an observer of my life, watching to see what happens.  When, in fact, I'm in control of my life.  Good point, William!  And that's been sticking in my mind ever since.  Why did I default to watching myself to see what I'll do, as if someone else is in charge of making these decisions.  My subconscious perhaps?  But who is my subconscious?  Me, of course.  It's all me.  I am in control, I make the decisions.  And when I eat crap, when I eat something I don't truly want to be eating, I'm making that decision too.  I'm making the decision to not make a good decision.  I was thinking about this a few days ago and it really struck me...If I'm not in control, who is?  Well, no one of course, because I am in control.  Maybe that doesn't mean always making my most favored decisions, but it's still me.  If feel like my food intake is "out of control", it's because I made a decision before to let go of control.  I imagine I'm driving a car...these moments when I "lose control" what am I doing?  Looking away from the road?  Letting the car drift in whatever direction it wants?  But I am the car.  There is no separation between myself and my vehicle.  This idea of some outside force, some external thing moving me through space (and putting food in my mouth), I've realized I had this belief in my head.  And so, of course, I want to change this belief.  But even if I am the car, I can still close my eyes and let myself drift.  I can pretend I'm not on a road, that I'm not going somewhere.  But I'm still doing that, I'm the one closing my eyes, I'm the one pretending.

Whew!  This is important stuff.  This is the kind of thinking that led to the very real changes in how I view exercise and physical activity.  Funny how I still harbor these false beliefs though, about other areas of my health.  Ok, I gotta run.  Thanks for listening :)

p.s.  I may not lose any weight this week but my pants are getting looser.  Woot!