Anyway, the point is (for this blog anyway), that I didn't run today. Between all of this personal strife and not running today I decided to have the kids go to daycare tomorrow so I could a) run and b) have the space and time to process some of my feelings without my little darlings pulling at my pant legs. This was kind of a no-brainer given that I was home with them yesterday and that if I don't get a day to myself here soon my head might well explode. Ok, it won't explode. I can be a bit dramatic. Like how I've been wondering if all my GI problems are actually a sign of stomach cancer. See? A touch of drama. Just a touch.
Food-wise it was a weird day too. I had Special K with soy milk and my coffee/creamer for breakfast. Remembered to take my vitamins. Had no mid-morning snack and no lunch. Terrible, I know. So just before picking up the kids I stopped at Burger King and got one of my go-to fast food items, a Whopper Jr with no cheese and no mayo (nor pickles or onions but you don't care about that). Only 260 calories, 10g fat - 7 points for those who count. Of course I skipped fries but I did have one or two of the kids' chicken strips when I got home. Yes, I fed my kids chicken strips for dinner. I've been known to stoop to such lows. Besides, it's better than opening the fridge, handing them a fork and saying, "good luck kiddos," right? I also ate some raw veggies dipped in the Greek yogurt dip I mentioned yesterday. And a cookie.
I'm striving to not eat for emotional reasons. It's hard. Part of me wants to get up and make a big bowl of cereal (ahem, kind of like I did at some point yesterday afternoon) just for something to do, something to distract me and make me feel...feel, what? Good? I know it won't make me feel good. Feel what then? Numb, perhaps? It won't do that either. The only thing it will make me feel is overfull and my confidence will probably take a temporary dip. So, the cereal will distract me for a few moments but otherwise it won't help at all. No, no cereal. I can sit with my feelings. I can tolerate them. I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Maybe that's what this weight loss journey has been about, tapping into me, tapping into the strength that was perhaps always there but never drawn on. Never recognized. All I know is this journey has brought me to this moment. I am here, ready to face the future. Yes, my head hurts. Yes, my heart aches. Yes, I'm facing an unclear future. But eating a bowl of cereal - when I'm not hungry, when it's not 7am, when I'm not at a consumer research center giving feedback on texture and taste - won't change any of those things.
By the way, I just had an epiphany. My head is throbbing and my eyes feel like they have been on a 3 day stimulant binge (not that I have any personal experience with such things mind you). I have that fighting sleep feeling, kind of like a crabby toddler, the difference being I know I'm tired despite feeling like I must stay up. My epiphany? Take some darned medicine. So I just took two Advil PM. If this post unravels a bit you'll know why.
Ok, somebody has to have something positive and fun to say around here because this post is too heavy! How about this? Remember when I shared the Marin County Triathlon shirt that I won from Greenlayer Sports? So me being me, I posted a picture of the shirt on their Facebook page and thanked them. Well, lo and behold they emailed me to say they were sending me a hoodie (because I had to wait several months to get the shirt)!! So the hoodie came today. Perfect timing, this little missy needed a treat. And it's not what I was expecting, it's way cooler! It's zip-up and has reflective stuff on the pockets and along the trim. It's super soft inside and in the pockets. Not sure if it's water resistant or not but it fits me great and I don't have a black zip-up hoodie (until now that is) so I'm super happy. Thank you Greenlayer Sports!! On that happy note I am ending this post. Night all.
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Love that hoodie! Love you!
ReplyDeleteKeep being the healthy you, things will work themselves out and the kiddies will survive, and probably love the occasional chicken strips and even, God forbid! A fish stick or two.
xoxoxo
Hi gorgeous girl - thank you for sharing the ups and the downs and even though it sounds like a little bit of a down at the moment, you have a tonne of supporters wishing you up! :) Good on you too for finding someone to help you through it. As you say, sometimes just that clear head and open heart can help you make sense of it all and find an easier way forward. And damn when you're so smokin' and healthy how can it not be all up?? Xxxxx
ReplyDeleteMichelle, tap into your personal strength, hold onto your kids, keep to your routines (keeps things in balance), and faith. We all are behind you (got your back :)).
ReplyDeleteHate to hear that your heart is hurting. Praying God's peace for you and believing you will stand strong in your lifestyle and the new you will come through just fine. And then you will be even stronger.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings with us. You're doing great, Michelle!
ReplyDeleteKeeping your focus on your routine will help, and knowing that you need to "sit with your feelings" and tolerate that discomfort is a huge step in the right direction. I have a few friends who are in recovery programs and that's something they struggle with a lot. Resisting the urge to run to [insert self-destructive habit here] rather than being still with their emotions. It's an important struggle to take on. And you know, the stomach issues could seriously be stress-related! Wonder if you began having the stomach upset around the time that this difficulty started?
Anyway, I'm not one for praying, but in my way, I'm praying for you.
Hi Michelle, Just wanting to say keep up the focus on what you know you want out of life or yourself; the other stuff will no doubt be painful to wade through but keeping true to yourself is important. having said that, seeing a therapist/neutral party can help to provide a mirror for further areas of improvement which is great. Wishing you all the best, you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that you are struggling personally. Kudos to you for looking at what you were so tempted to do.....rely on food to wash away the emotions and to recognize that it would only be a temporary fix and would actually exacerbate the original mood.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you! 1) you are an awesome mentor through this blog on how to live a balance life 2) you show me that food & exercise don't have to be "perfect", it has to be balanced 3) you have great advice, "What are you willing to do today?" and 4) you take care of yourself first ... knowing you needed time to do some emotional processing and did what was necessary for that to happen without turning to food is a wonderful example for me. I hope you are able to find peace with the emotional struggle. Thank you for your openness and your honesty. Thinking of you and sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteUgh, so sorry you're going through a rough time right now. Just know that sometimes difficult times can actually make us stronger and help us grow. In the meantime, keep focusing on doing things that make you feel better (exercise, eating right, rest, journaling, therapy, spending time w/ the kiddies, etc.). You know by now that alcohol and food is a quick fix that only makes things worse in the end. Hang in there girl, we're all rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThinking about you, and sorry to hear that you are going through something difficult right now. Remember how much you mean to all of us following you who are inspired by you. Think of how much your hubby and your kids adore you. We are never perfect and you don't have to be perfect now either. Do what you need to do for you, and hang in there Michelle.
ReplyDeleteHope things pick up soon! Just remember how awesome you are and how much you have accomplished so far! If you ever need some encouraging words or an ear to bend, let me know! Therapy is awesome and has helped me our a few times in my life. Hugs :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, hope you work through everything. We all have good and bad days, weeks and hours, I know I do!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?
Thanks,
Cameron
cameronvsj(at)gmail.com