Starting Here

I need to get real about this eating thing.  Maybe you're getting tired of reading about it but it's still happening, I'm still making choices I'm not happy with on a daily basis.  And I fear this is how people relapse, they do what I'm doing and for whatever reason, it just keeps going and going.  I can't won't let that happen.  And part of how I won't let that happen is to write about it, and keep writing about it as long as needed.

I happened upon a blog post by Suzi Storm, a WW success story.  She lost over 100 pounds and was featured in a WW ad campaign.  The thing is, over the last year, she regained the weight.  She was in hiding for a while but recently came out.  Reading her posts about how she felt while seeing the scale go up, her repeated efforts to "get back on track", her feelings about her body, how other people felt about her body, all the judgments, resentment, stuffed emotions, etc...well, it all sounds very familiar to me.  At the end of her post, she issues an apology. 

David Kirchhoff, only the CEO of Weight Watchers, wrote a response post to hers, Apologies NEVER necessary.   

His post had some good stuff in it.  But this paragraph got my attention. 

Every single time I have ever fallen off course and suffered a bad weigh in, it was a literal punch in the gut followed by a tirade of self-loathing and regret.  As I reflect upon every one of those moments, I can say categorically that the intensity of the emotional response was completely outsized to the reality of the situation.  I suffer from this false belief that being in control means never losing control.

That's giving me something to think about.  I've worked so hard to eliminate feelings of guilt/self-loathing/regret in association with my food choices.  I've learned negative feelings are unhelpful.  Unhelpful is an understatement, they are downright toxic and only serve to increase the chances of more unhealthy food choices.  If you beat yourself up when you're down, how do you expect to fair in the rest of the fight?

So clearly I need to want to stop beating myself up.  I'm always telling others to be gentle with themselves and need to do the same.  But at the same time, I want to stop with the excuses.  I won't go into all the psychological machinations but suffice to say, I think I've been, at least some of the time, using food as a weapon.  But the only person harmed by that weapon is me.  Talk about irrational.  Irrational or not, I'm ok.  I am ok.  I am ok at this weight, I am ok at any weight.  I am worthy of all I have earned.  This is me, it is really me.  And I can maintain it.  I want to, I have all the tools and all the motivation.  I have the heart and the will.  And come what may in life, I will continue to be ok. 

Do I sound convincing?  I sure hope so.  We know the only person that needs to be convinced is me.  So I did a bit more reading of David's blog, found more stuff I like (I'm paraphrasing his post here and all the emphasis are mine).

Once [I "got" the program], I started to feel like a locomotive.  Rather than inertia working against me, momentum was starting to work for me.  Success does breed success.  Over the years of being on maintenance, I’ve slowly come to realize that I am far from invincible and that I will always have be pretty careful.  Yet, I have also come to realize that I know how to do this.  I know how to get my life back on track when it gets off track.  This comes what we learn about ourselves when we experience the aforementioned locomotive effect.  So here is the most fundamental truth I know of when it comes to successful weight loss and maintenance:  the absolutely most important thing to do is to keep on doing.  It’s really so simple, but also so very powerful.  The only decision you have to make is the decision not to quit.

I like it.  Mainly because I started this journey making only that one decision, to not quit.  I guess David would say that's the foundation of my success, and I'd have to agree with him.  Not quitting is huge, it means never giving up, no matter how things go.

Alright, let's get out of my head and on to today, which was pretty low key.  We spent the morning at home, lounging and watching a movie.  It was nice to have some downtime.  Then we took the kids on some errands before my mom came over for a visit.  I got to the gym in the late afternoon and Mark was there so we finally took a picture together with my poster.

Love this guy, thank you Mark!

Can't you tell what an incredible guy he is just by looking at that smile?  He's talked me through some rough moments, always with thoughtful, supportive and encouraging things to say.  Thank you Mark for helping me to open my eyes and start seeing myself for who I am today.  What a gift.

After the picture (and btw, I'm surprised by how small I am, when did I get so skinny?) I started into my workout routine with a ride on the upright bike.  My legs are still sore (really?  It's been 4 days since I overdid it, sheesh!).  I did level 8 but instead of my normal RPMs I only did what felt comfortable.  I might have pushed it a bit past comfortable a couple of times but nothing major. I really want my legs to stop being sore.  I mean really.  That was followed by chest/tricep/core.  I'm now doing the chest press on a bench with a bar (instead of dumbbells).  The empty bar weighs 45 pounds so I did three sets at (weight/reps) 45/10, 50/8, 55/6.  Nothing like a bench press to make you feel strong.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow but I think I'll up the reps to 12/10/8 next time.  I love lifting weights. 

After the gym I took the kids to a friend's house for dinner (thank you Catherine!).  It was great to catch up with her and eat a meal I didn't prepare, especially a yummy healthy meal.  I brought cookies to share and had a bit more than I would have liked, but that's ok.  The kids started to unwind so it was time for me to head home.  On the way I considered stopping at a convenience store for some ice cream.  Miguel had gone to the gym so I knew the house would be all mine once the kids were in bed.  What a nice time for ice cream, right?

Wrong.  I reminded myself that I have to stop with all these excuses, with all the permission I'm giving myself to eat junk (Evelyn Tribole might not approve of that sentence! more on her in an upcoming post).  I'm giving myself a big pat on the back for that good decision.  I have to start somewhere and where I'm at right now seems about as good a place as any.  In fact, it's a perfect spot because I'm still at goal, I still fit in all my clothes, I'm still active and healthy and all of it.