A Mixed Bag

Let's see if I can stop eating long enough to write a blog post.  Ok, maybe things are not that bad but when I let it get all blown up in my head it feels that bad.  It's a balancing act, wanting to focus on making healthy choices and reminding myself of my goals but also not being too hard on myself, or overly restricting myself.  Not that there's any chance of the latter at present, it's been a lot of gentle reminding without a lot of change.  I'm going to keep on keeping on until that seems like it's not the right path anymore. 

It's Thursday night and I've had a successful week of exercise anyway.  I'm tempted to dismiss it as if it's not a big deal in light of the eating but I've been at this too long - I know better.  Anything I'm doing right, anything that moves me in the direction of my goals, deserves recognition and reinforcement.  So I'll say now - Good job, Michelle, you're making some good choices, you're paying attention, you're trying, don't give up, don't make this bigger than it is, keep at it, it will get better, your motivation will come back, it always does.

So now I'm talking to myself.  Well, at least it's positive stuff, right?  I'll move on to a quick gym recap.  Monday was 25 minutes on the bike followed by legs/shoulders/core.  My legs were not thrilled to be put on the spot after the run the day before but they stepped up to the challenge.  Pun intended.  Tuesday was a run day with a plan to do 3 miles on the treadmill.  But I got to the gym late and only had time to run 10 minutes, a bit over a mile.  I did back/biceps/core for strength training.  I got a text from Miguel that I could stay later if I wanted and thought maybe I should do the rest of my run.  But the truth was I felt tired and my legs were spent so I gave myself permission to go home.

Aren't they growing up so fast??

Wednesday was a rest day, from exercise anyway.  We hung around the house until we got bored.  I packed up some snacks and the kids and took them on a little hike.  The hike was short but was all uphill.  I was thinking as we were walking back down how grateful I am to be able to do little activities like this one and not only that, but that I want to do them.  I used those thoughts to reinforce why my choices are important, why this matters as much as it does.  And it does matter, no matter how many times I tell myself that it doesn't, how many times I throw out the old, I don't care before diving into some candy, I know the truth, it matters.  This is me, this is the me I want to be.

Insanely bitter is more like it.

Aaanyway, after the hike we went to the candy store.  Marek has not stopped asking for Angry Birds gummies since he saw them the last time we were there.  I bought some chocolate.  I've been enjoying 82% chocolate and wanted to try something closer to 90% to see how I felt about that.  They only had 99% so I tried that.  And woah - bitter as heck.  I had the tiniest piece and felt like I was eating melted used coffee grounds.  Of course I threw the rest away.  Not.  I'm gonna let my bitter memories fade a bit and then try it again.  Why?  Because I'm not a quitter.

I ate other candy too of course, but I'll spare you the drunk-a-log.  Suffice to say, we all had our fill and headed back home.  My mom came over to watch the kids while I helped a friend clean out an apartment.  It was solid manual labor and I again felt proud of my body.  I carried about 10 bags to the garbage and felt the muscles in my arms working.  The old me would have suffered and been sweating like crazy but the new me marveled at my strength and wondered if I could count it as an arm workout (no, is that answer to that question).  Still it was a long day and I missed dinner at home.  I made the probably inadvisable decision to have Taco Bell.  It's been a good long while since I've been south of the border and the probably good news is that it didn't taste all that good to me.  Have they changed their meat or something? 

Moving right along.  I got up this morning feeling a bit regretful but quickly told myself to carry on.  Today's food choices were a mixed bag including good things like quinoa and green beans as well as indulgences like frozen yogurt piled with toppings and after dinner snacks.  It's real people, I am a bit lost at the moment.  But I'll find my way, I know I will.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.

The gym was good.  I started with 25 minutes on the upright bike - a pleasant quad burning spin - and followed that up with chest/triceps/core.  I'm getting strong again, feeling like I am back to pre-pneumonia strength on most things.  That's another positive.  And on that happy note, I'm off to bed to do some healthy-lifestyle related reading that will, with any luck, motivate and inspire me.  Night all!