I. need. help.

My eating is starting to scare me.  I mean really.  The behaviors are so old yet still so familiar.  I have a hard time getting anyone to take me seriously, to hear my concerns, but I know inside that it is serious.  You may not have noticed but lately in my blog I've been saying things like, "I'll spare you all the calorie-laden details but...".  And I think that's because of embarrassment, shame and self-loathing.  Those are heavy words but I do believe it's at the core of my hiding what I've been eating.  So I'm going to break down and write the blow-by-blow of today's eating to just get it off my chest.

Breakfast:  Grape Nuts with Almond Milk
Snack:  Banana, string cheese (+ water and vitamins)
Snack:  Clif Bar (the whole thing)
Lunch:  Avocado/hummus sandwich with cheese and a tiny bit of mayo, bag of chips
Snack:  Snickers bar**
Dinner:  Black beans, avocado, cream, tortilla, mexican cheese, 1/2 of a rib eye steak
Snack: Grapes, slice after slice after slice of pumpkin bread, red potato with butter

Yesterday saw me eat two candy bars in one day plus a ton of Now&Laters, I had a burger with avocado and bacon with onion rings for lunch, and just snacked until I went to bed.  Somewhere over the past couple of days I had the thought, "I need help."  I've been telling myself I'll eat better tomorrow and each day tomorrow comes and is no better than the day before.  I start the morning out feeling clear and focused and by midday I'm eating things that make me feel like crap in the end.  IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!

I know this all started with the slump I was in.  Then I felt myself come out of it and had a brief moment in the sun and then I got sick and bam, back in it.  It was like my newfound non-slumpage wasn't well established when the sick thing just threw me off.   So today I was in a frustrating situation at work.  I'd eaten the sandwich and chips and was super full.  I pondered buying a candy bar and talked myself out of it.  But the stress level rose and I gave in.  So I'm eating the Snickers bar and I'm halfway through it when I said, "enough!" and tossed the second half in the garbage.

It's never too late to make a new decision.

That's one of my mantras.  I'd love to finish this post with a lovely little tale of how the rest of the evening I was true to myself and my goals and ate good, clean, healthy foods - but you saw what happened.  More junk and more food than my body needs.  What is going on?  I have ideas of course.  There's shit going on in my personal life, work is work, I'm taking some exciting career development steps but that still adds stress and added responsibility, I don't get enough sleep, and I'm allowing my brain to be lazy.

Miguel brought home half of a lemon meringue pie recently.  I ate all but a few bites of it before the day was over.  I had all these resentful thoughts toward him for bringing it home.  I know better.  My eating is not his responsibility.  In fact, unless I ask, I want him to stay out of it.  But that's classic externalization of blame.  And it's addictive thinking.  My brain has just gone a bit haywire and I've let it.  I've been stepping it up some, fighting back with the more rational, healthy thoughts, but it's slow going.  I hope this writing it all down, getting it all out, will help.

And of course I'm having to battle all sorts of other irrational thoughts, the biggest one being, "Well, that's it, it's over, you've gone back to your old habits and...".  The unfinished part is, "and you're going to gain all the weight back."  And my brain acts like it's not only a foregone conclusion, but that's it's already happened.  Give up, it's over.  I have an idea of how friggin' insane that sounds.

And further, I see how insane it looks.  I am not that woman anymore, and yet she haunts me, and taunts me and calls to me to be her, to let go, slip back, hide.  Wow - this writing is...enlightening.  I don't want to hide.

For a while now I've been enjoying wearing "cute" clothes, styling my hair, wearing make-up.  I was actually looking forward to summer so I could wear shorts and skirts more often.  But lately I haven't been into it.  I figured it was just part of my slump.  It's not fun to put an effort into dressing cute when I don't feel cute. But I wonder if wanting to hide is part of this.  What am I hiding from?

Dammit, this is just too much to think about.  Bottom line, I've been coping with my feelings by eating.  I've been using food in all the wrong ways.  And it doesn't feel good.  That's what I have to remind myself.  In the end, the food does not help, I am left holding the bag.

If hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution.

And it's sure as heck not about hunger.  It's about feelings.  And not exercising the strongest part of my body - my brain.  So I need to sit with my feelings, talk myself through the rough moments, build my confidence back up and establish a better recent past to break these bad habits that are trying to wiggle back into my life.  Fortunately I've done a lot of hard mental work over these past 6 years so even with all this unhelpful eating my brain is still there whispering, what are you doing?  you know this isn't good, think, Michelle, think.  So maybe my brain isn't so lazy after all.

Ok, what else can I do?  The title of this post is I. need. help.  I'm going to a meeting every week.  If I can't make my Friday one, I'll go to a different one.  Or two.  Or whatever I need to get some help.  I remember reading about a Lifetimer's meeting, maybe I need to track that down.  They'll understand and probably have some good advice and support.  I need it.  I don't want to gain 10 pounds and then reach out.  That said, it's not about the weight, or my clothing size, or my appearance at all really - it's about the thinking, the habits, the behavior.  It's about not feeling good.  I did not lose 90+ pounds to be feeling like crap.