147

147. That's the number from the scale this morning.

So, I'm now over my goal weight. I'd say "it had to happen eventually" but I don't really believe it did. I have plenty of explanations excuses, and none of them really justify what's happened. The only real explanation is that I remain, as before, a food junkie.

I was mitigating that reality with enough exercise and good food choices to keep my weight under 145, my goal weight, for the past year. And then I got sick, again. And I've had some life happens stuff going on. And, and, and.

The only question now is...what to do. I could allow this reality to take me down. Plenty of successful losers have done just that. They slip, fall, and don't get up. I've slipped, no doubt. And in many ways, I am still down. But in the most important way that matters, I'm up.

I have a plan, I have faith, I have a strong internal desire to never give up. This weight loss thing was my dream that I dared to dream (to steal a phrase), and then even bigger, I realized. I will not allow my current struggle to take me down. I know what my 233.8 pound former self would say, she'd tell me to 1. Not take this too seriously and 2. Take this seriously. It's that balance thing again, a little of this, a bit of that. She'd tell me to keep my chin up, focus on the positive. Feels like a list is in order.

What's going right in my eating/fitness world
1. I am exercising and still have a good level of personal fitness
2. I am still within the "normal" BMI
3. I am still blogging
4. I care and I want this
5. I have gained the skills, habits and knowledge to navigate this
6. I am about to start a New Year challenge that will help me gain focus. In other words, I have a plan.

What's not going right in my eating/fitness world
1. 147
2. I am eating a bunch of crap
3. My thoughts. The crap I'm thinking can be as bad as the crap I'm eating

I'd say "I still look good" because that's what most people say when I tell them I'm struggling. But the truth is, my appearance is just not what this is about. Yes, I enjoy looking good, but if I don't feel good, what's the point? I want the inside and the outside to match. If they don't match, it won't be long before they do because the outside will eventually reflect the inside. In other words, if I don't feel good it won't be long before I don't look good either. At least that's my reality, YMMV.

And I can't help but notice that the first list is longer than the second. Of course in diet:think the 147 number eliminates all that's right, but I don't think like that anymore, at least I try not to. That's the kind of thinking that leads to the dark side. As do Hershey's kisses, they lead directly to the dark side. And the good news is, they are gone (because I ate them all).

I'm sure I'll be posting about this more as I work to get myself back into my happy place - mind and body. But for now, let's table it. Because I have better news. I ran today, and more than just a few miles. It was not glorious, nor terrible. It had a moment or two of glory, and some moments of discomfort, but mostly it was just about putting one foot in front of the other and running.

I did a kid-watch swap with my buddy Catherine. She ran first while I watched the kids at her house. I decided to run her route, a 6 mile lollipop route that sounded doable. When she returned she gave me directions and away I went while she watched the kids. The directions included turning right to run a 2-mile loop around "Deer Valley Island". What she failed to mention was that this 2-mile loop was on a trail. With hills. Key pieces of information there Catherine.

But did I falter? No. Did I turn back? No. Did I just keep running? Yes, ma'am I did. My pace was what it was, my legs were sore, my breathing at times labored, but I ran. Oh, turns out the "6-mile" route was 6.5 miles. Hmph.

I was slower than in the past but super happy to come in under 11-minute mile average. The weather was pristine, my body still works.

Full Garmin stats here.

 I know those hills don't look like much but when you've been off the wagon for a bit like I have, they were a challenge. "I like hills, they add interest and challenge to a run, a flat run with no hills at all is boring." Yep, I invoked a bit of hill mantra to keep me happy.

That's it from me. I'm home with the kidlets tomorrow because pre-school is still closed but I have a plan to get to the gym. I still got this. I'm 147 pounds and I still got this.