Sadly, it did.
Ok, I'm being somewhat melodramatic here but yes, I was over-eager in my refusal to believe that something like a wee sore throat and whatnot could stop me. I'm sad to say I was wrong. That wee cold turned into bronchitis, from which I am just now beginning to mend. I'm mending by resting, steroid and regular inhaler use, some antibiotics just in case (I know, but I can't take the chance it's not bacterial at this point even though it probably isn't) and water. Oh, where's my water?
I can't remember my last workout. Might have been that last (maybe I shouldn't have) run. My eating is mixed, some good, some horrible and everything in between. You probably know I've been doing a lot of thinking, soul-searching, to understand my choices and to intervene.
My weight is up by a few pounds but the more telling, my body fat has crept up to 32%. If I stay on this path the weight number will soon follow. That number on the scale is merely fool's gold. I know too much to fall for that line, "Oh, you haven't gained any weight, you're fine." Hmph.
Patience, self-love, acceptance and gripping with all my might to the belief that this will pass. My motivation always comes back, every time. Guaranteed. Just hang on. Don't give up. Don't throw in the towel and eat a half-gallon of ice cream. All is not lost. Make every single better choice you can. And feel good about it. Read those articles on running and think about that new gym-move you read about in Fitness magazine. Act as if. Because it's only a matter of time until if once again is when it comes to the topic of my motivation and habits.
I remind myself to look at my body. It's real, I've worked for it. And I will one day soon rise up out of this damn hole to fight for it. There's the drama again.
But these things feel dramatic sometimes. This is serious. If I don't focus, remember, pay attention, I could get lost. When was the last time I didn't blog for over 2 weeks? When was the last time I ate cookies and fried chicken and fast-food and, and, and all within a two week window? Random candy bars are always a bad sign in my life. And there have been random candy bars.
So, yes, I'll think of the phoenix as she rises from the ashes, I'll call on Shakespeare to remind me that Whatever you do, you need courage and imagine Pavarotti belting out that I WILL BE OK! This is serious, and I take it seriously. I wanted this for decades, I doubted, I cried, I dreamt and eventually, I fought - and won. I still want this. I still falter and struggle but I still want this. And for that reason, I'm still winning. Though I don't feel like a winner.
My motivation is creeping back. I get a glimpse of it here, there. I know all is not lost. I am not lost.
My sister got married this past weekend. Beautiful wedding. I took a mirror selfie of the dress I wore. I'll close with that.
Posts
I love that you post about your struggles. Because every day is a test. We have to make good choices every day because if we don't, the weight slips so easily back on (ask me how I know!). And it's so difficult - and a bit of me loves that it's not just difficult for me because that means I'm not a terrible person. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you. This was exactly what I need tonight. A reminder that the cinnamon toast that has been calling my name all evening is not going to make me as happy as it claims it will. Like you said...I worked for this body, it is mine and I won't let a night (or week, or month) of low motivation steal it from me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. This is how I feel right now as well. I generally feel like I have a grip on things until about noon, and then old behaviours and thought patterns start to creep in. Tonight it was in the form of 6 oatmeal cookies consumed sporadically and secretively. I get the drama and the pep talks... I need the reminders, too.
ReplyDeleteI love your attitude and absolute certainty that you will get your motivation back, because you know what? You are right! You want it, you are fighting for it, and when the time is right, you will get back on track. I am just pulling out of over a year-long slump during which I gained back 8 lbs. and started with some of my ancient binge eating habits. I can't tell you how ugly, messy and emotional it has been dealing with all these behaviors that I thought I had buried forever...it's been a long rocky road. I wish I could say that there was a single light-bulb moment where I suddenly got back on track, but it's been a long war of 1,000 mini internal battles, many that I won but also several where I lost ground again. The main thing is I've slowly made headway. The binges are happening less and less, my body is strong again from marathon training, and I think after 40 years, I've finally learned that beating myself up is totally unproductive. So anyhow, Michelle, keep fighting the good fight and remember to be kind to yourself while doing so...positivity takes you so much farther than negativity, as I'm sure you know! BTW, what a stunning dress...you look amazing in it!
ReplyDeleteI love that you're still fighting to have a healthier life. It's true in everything we do, we need courage if we wanted to succeed on it. Keep inspiring the other people who are struggling to lose weight and let's help them.
ReplyDeleteI just recently started going to acupuncture. I don't really understand how it works but I decided to give my over thinking brain a break and not question it. My husband had been going for 2 years for back pain and he said it really helped his back. Plus he travels all the time for work and we have 3 kids so any virus/crud that is going around at preschool, elementary school or the airplanes/hotels my husband is on, our family gets in succession so that last year I think I was fully "well" for a total of 60 days I would get the virus of the week and be flattened, and my husband who usually milks the "man cold" for all it's worth would have a runny nose for a day and be fine. He said it was acupuncture and the chinese herb capsules his acupuncturist gave him. It took me two years to believe him, but now I have been going for 6 months and somehow even when I do get sick, it is so much less severe than usual. We all got a back to school cold. The kids had it for 10 days. I had it for 2 and I had more energy than ever with a cold. It's also 30 minutes a week where a practitioner is focused on YOU. It's a quiet dim room. My neck and lower back is in a neutral position. I go mainly for my headaches, but he incorporates acupressure and massage of sore muscles from running/life. I leave walking a bit taller, a lot looser, more relaxed, and my immune system is working better. I started out thinking I would give it 6 months and now I don't like skipping a week. I highly recommend it as a way to get your body in balance and as a means of self-care. I am not an alternative medicine type person. I see this more as a supplement to other ways I take care of myself. Just a thought for you since you are also an inspiration to me.
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