Michelle 3.0

We all go through stuff from time to time, and as I mentioned a few posts back, I'm going through it now. No big "thing" happened, but I'm not thinking and feeling as good as I could be. Or should be. Or, most important, want to be. And when I say "thinking good," that's what I mean, too many of my thoughts are negative and unhelpful, which then leads to not feeling good.

This doesn't really have a lot to do with food or exercise (though I think they've been impacted, especially exercise), which is sort of a miracle in and of itself. I have some significant mental crud to wade through that isn't about food/exercise/weight/etc?! Holy cow, I must be moving toward Michelle 3.0 or something.

Michelle beta was me from birth to my early 20's.
Michelle 1.0 was early 20's - early 30's
Michelle 2.0 was mid 30's to early 40's
...and now the work has begun on Michelle 3.0

Maybe that's a little silly but sometimes it's fun to throw a bit of silly into serious things, lighten the mood. Not that self-growth is a necessarily serious topic all the time, just happens that for me I'm wading around in the muck of my thoughts and emotions, uncovering some long-held emotional junk that needs clearing out.

It's not easy. I find myself feeling down, negative, struggling to believe I'll sort this stuff out and get back to myself. Though I know I will, I have enough experience to know I'll figure it out in due time. Yet I'm hard on myself sometimes, even while doing this mental work I'm admonishing myself for getting to this place, "What's the problem? Why am I so damn psychological about everything? I just need to get out of my head, make a decision to be happy, and get on with having fun!"

Ah, that it's that easy. In a way it is, but in another way, it isn't. And that's ok. So I try to be gentle with myself, be patient. I'm journaling again, something I haven't done (other than this blog) in ages. And I'm starting to meditate. Meditation has been calling to me for years, decades even, and I've ignored it. But I'm starting to listen. For someone like me, sitting with a quiet mind is so calming. And I'm attending a self-help group to get support and learn more about how I might navigate some long-standing challenges in my family of origin.

The point is, I'm taking action. Oh, I also want to re-focus on getting enough sleep as well as exercise more often (it's been 2 times a week lately!). My diet has been ok, there's room for improvement but all-in-all, I'm happy with it. Speaking of eating and exercise - I mean that is what this blog is all about, right? - I'll do a quick update on that...

I went to the gym today. Ta da! Would you look at that? The introspective blueberry decides to roll herself out of her head and into the gym for some exercise. I did 20 minutes on the bike (that was hard) and then a light, full body weight lifting session. I felt much pleased with myself, and even felt a bit more like a strawberry than a blueberry for the rest of the day.

Food is food, I don't track anymore, haven't been since shortly after I got back into a healthy weight range, tracking is a means to an end for me rather than a way of life. But I do weigh myself regularly and this morning I was a pound or so above what I'm maintaining these days (145 is my maintenance weight, I've sort-of decided). So I was 146.something. No surprise there, I ate and drank a bit more than usual this past weekend. Yesterday and today I've been making decent choices and I know I'll keep that up and see the number drop back down.

Speaking of decent choices...today at a staff meeting the table was like a dessert smorgasbord! Plates of cookies, bags of candy, popcorn...ugh. Fortunately some kind soul brought a bowl of cherries and I'd brought a peach. I had fruit and TWO bites of cookie and that, people, was all! I resisted. It's been a while since I've been able to resist the dessert-conference table.

So here I am giving myself a pat on the back for getting through. Dinner was a piece of grilled fish, white rice and a few bites of veggies. I did do a little after-dinner snacking - some pretzels, a string cheese - nothing to cry about.

Ok, well it's 11pm and that's my bedtime. Off to restore the brain and the body so I can tackle tomorrow with a full tank. Did I just mix my metaphors? That's so beta.