Running Free

I have to start this post by saying thank you to everyone who commented on my post last night.  I was so moved by all the support and encouragement.  And the reminders that life has its ups and downs, and to face them with the knowledge that I can handle whatever comes.  So to Kristy, MsEmmesse, Darla, Sheryl C, Christal (CPAGrrrl), Cherelli, MaryFran, Cori (ctr24), Melissa, and KathyJ - thank you. 

Today started off with getting the kids up and off to daycare.  I came home and did some reading.  It was drizzling outside and I worried I might never go on my run.  Drizzly, blustery outside vs warm, cozy inside.  Now there's an easy choice, right?  But Mark, the owner of my gym, called around 9:30am and asked if I had time to come in to meet with him.  He had the ad ready and wanted me to sign a waiver for him to use it.  I will refrain from going into my response to the ad until I can share it with you, which I am absolutely DYING to do.  He said maybe a week. He wants to make up the poster and stuff before I share it.  Ack!  Suffice to say, his timing could not have been better.  Wait until you see the copy he put next to my picture. 

So, the good thing is, his call got me off the couch and dressed for my run.  I met him a little before 11am and by 11:30 I was out in the drizzly day, running.  I'd forgotten my Garmin watch at home so I decided to run for time.  I didn't even put my heart rate monitor on.  I figured if I run 50 minutes that's probably at least 5 miles.  I just wanted to run.

And run I did.  I headed from my gym toward the local junior college.  I ran through the campus, choosing a route with some nice little hills (instead of the flat route).  I was breathing hard, running hard, at times pushing myself and at times letting my feet just flow over the ground and through the air.  I have no idea how fast I ran but I know there were times when I was running as fast as ever.  So many thoughts floating through my head, so many feelings being flushed out and aired out and released.  I am me, in this moment, living as best I can.  In this moment, I am strong, determined and in the next, I am weak and vulnerable.  But my hopes are pure.  With every step I leave behind what I do not need, what does not help.  I splash in puddles that could be my tears but I keep moving forward.  I am running, and while I'm running, I am free.

Tostada with grilled chicken, black beans, guac, lettuce, salsa, jalapenos.

I met Miguel for lunch after my run.  We chose to eat at a small taqueria.  As we were walking in I hoped the place would be warm and thank goodness it was.  I was glad to be able to order a healthy lunch.  Miguel and I tucked into a corner booth and shared a small bowl of chips and salsa while we waited for our food.  I ordered a tostada with grilled chicken, black beans, lettuce, salsa, jalapenos, and guacamole.  And I ate some of the vegetables he'd left in his soup.  It was good, very comfort foodish but still healthy and balanced.  I told him about the gym ad and he's excited to see it.  He's always been so supportive of my fitness related pursuits.  I sent him off back to work and came home to shower and change.  Not sure what I'll do with my last couple of hours, might go window shopping, might stay on the couch with a blanket and read.  Or maybe I'll take a nap.  Who am I kidding, I'm terrible at napping.  Ok, wrapping this up.  Thanks again for all the support.

The New Normal

I don't know what to say.  I didn't exercise today.  It was in the back of my mind to try and fit it in but it wasn't a big priority.  I know, just doesn't sound like me, right?  But some days are like that.  They just demand all of your attention and everything else becomes secondary.  I've been referencing going through some difficult personal issues and today I saw a therapist with the hopes it will help me find my way.  I'm a big believer in therapy if you can get it.  It's a great luxury, someone to listen, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental.  I'm hopeful that whatever path this takes for me, that I am able to keep myself grounded and living a healthy lifestyle.  No, I'm not hopeful, it is not a hope, it is a must.  I would not be the me I am today if I lost that part of myself, and you know what?  I kind of like this new me.  I think she's got a thing or two going for her. 

Anyway, the point is (for this blog anyway), that I didn't run today.  Between all of this personal strife and not running today I decided to have the kids go to daycare tomorrow so I could a) run and b) have the space and time to process some of my feelings without my little darlings pulling at my pant legs.  This was kind of a no-brainer given that I was home with them yesterday and that if I don't get a day to myself here soon my head might well explode.  Ok, it won't explode.  I can be a bit dramatic.  Like how I've been wondering if all my GI problems are actually a sign of stomach cancer.  See?  A touch of drama.  Just a touch.

Food-wise it was a weird day too.  I had Special K with soy milk and my coffee/creamer for breakfast.  Remembered to take my vitamins.  Had no mid-morning snack and no lunch.  Terrible, I know.  So just before picking up the kids I stopped at Burger King and got one of my go-to fast food items, a Whopper Jr with no cheese and no mayo (nor pickles or onions but you don't care about that).  Only 260 calories, 10g fat - 7 points for those who count.  Of course I skipped fries but I did have one or two of the kids' chicken strips when I got home.  Yes, I fed my kids chicken strips for dinner.  I've been known to stoop to such lows.  Besides, it's better than opening the fridge, handing them a fork and saying, "good luck kiddos," right?  I also ate some raw veggies dipped in the Greek yogurt dip I mentioned yesterday.  And a cookie. 

I'm striving to not eat for emotional reasons.  It's hard.  Part of me wants to get up and make a big bowl of cereal (ahem, kind of like I did at some point yesterday afternoon) just for something to do, something to distract me and make me feel...feel, what?  Good?  I know it won't make me feel good.  Feel what then?  Numb, perhaps?  It won't do that either.  The only thing it will make me feel is overfull and my confidence will probably take a temporary dip.  So, the cereal will distract me for a few moments but otherwise it won't help at all.  No, no cereal.  I can sit with my feelings.  I can tolerate them.  I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.  Maybe that's what this weight loss journey has been about, tapping into me, tapping into the strength that was perhaps always there but never drawn on.  Never recognized.  All I know is this journey has brought me to this moment. I am here, ready to face the future.  Yes, my head hurts.  Yes, my heart aches.  Yes, I'm facing an unclear future.  But eating a bowl of cereal - when I'm not hungry, when it's not 7am, when I'm not at a consumer research center giving feedback on texture and taste - won't change any of those things. 

By the way, I just had an epiphany.  My head is throbbing and my eyes feel like they have been on a 3 day stimulant binge (not that I have any personal experience with such things mind you).  I have that fighting sleep feeling, kind of like a crabby toddler, the difference being I know I'm tired despite feeling like I must stay up.  My epiphany?  Take some darned medicine.  So I just took two Advil PM.  If this post unravels a bit you'll know why.   

Ok, somebody has to have something positive and fun to say around here because this post is too heavy!  How about this?  Remember when I shared the Marin County Triathlon shirt that I won from Greenlayer Sports?  So me being me, I posted a picture of the shirt on their Facebook page and thanked them.  Well, lo and behold they emailed me to say they were sending me a hoodie (because I had to wait several months to get the shirt)!!  So the hoodie came today.  Perfect timing, this little missy needed a treat. 

And it's not what I was expecting, it's way cooler!  It's zip-up and has reflective stuff on the pockets and along the trim.  It's super soft inside and in the pockets.  Not sure if it's water resistant or not but it fits me great and I don't have a black zip-up hoodie (until now that is) so I'm super happy.  Thank you Greenlayer Sports!!  On that happy note I am ending this post.  Night all.

A Holiday Picnic

Busy day today.  I had a reservation at a local club (with childcare) for day use.  You have to reserve the childcare and I had 8:30am - 10am.  It was a struggle to get us all up and ready and out the door.  We got there about 10 minutes late only to find out they only reserved 8:30am - 9:30am for me and they were booked the rest of the day.  So I had to cut my workout short and still hustle.  I did 10 minutes on the upright bike followed by back/biceps/core.  I was able to get most of my weight stuff done, which was nice.  I sure do like my own gym though, so mellow.  Maybe this place was busier than usual because of the holiday.

Then back home to shower and change for a hike with my good friend Michelle and the kids.  We packed picnic lunches and enjoyed the fabulous February weather.  I ate a mix of snacks - raw veggies dipped in Skotidakis Greek yogurt dill and cucumber dip, Kashi pita chips, a string cheese, blueberries, and I finished Myra's PB&J and shared an apple with the kids.  I'm a little hungry now but I have a bit of an upset stomach so we'll see.  Maybe I'll have some bread in a bit.

My brave, adventurous, can't be stopped little girl.

Marek and his buddy throwing rocks into...what is that thing? 

Myra enjoyed running, digging in the dirt and stomping in even the smallest mud puddles.  Marek was more into reflective chatter between running.  We all had a fun time.  All of us came home exhausted.

Tomorrow is back to work, and a 5 mile run.  I hope I can run so hard that my brain shuts off for a while. 

Redemption Run

It was a gorgeous day in San Francisco.  I got up a little later than I planned probably because I went to bed later than I planned.  But the important thing is, I got up and out the door for my run.  It was a clear, quiet Sunday morning.  I'd eaten a lot of crap the day before.  Some of my eating was almost rebellious, "you say I'm too skinny, well I can eat all this junk."  I know, TOTALLY irrational, not to mention slightly embarrassing.  Aren't I a highly evolved healthy eater?  Doesn't make even a little bit of sense except to maybe a child.  But I learned something, eating crap = depressed Michelle.  It just doesn't feel good.  Sure, a treat now and then is good, an indulgence here and there, but eating out of some negative emotion is just not the way I want to live.  Anyway, for that and other reasons I was hoping for a little redemption on my run today.

My pre-run prep consisted of two Immodium AD (it seemed to help last week), a couple puffs of the inhaler to ward off wheezing and an AccelGel.  Oh, and of course all the standard stuff - BodyGlide to ward off friction burns, ShotBloks in my SpiBelt.  I didn't bring music, I knew the scenery and people would provide all the entertainment on my run.  It was coming up on 9am by the time I parked.  I had a short warmup walk.  Can I say again how perfect the day was for a run?  Check out some pre-run pictures.

I love me some San Francisco

No better backdrop for a run

The area was crowded with runners, cyclists and lots of tourists.  In fact, I will attribute a small part of my pace to dodging people.  I ran the first couple miles at at around 10:00mm pace, which is perfect. I expected to pick it up after a couple miles, just like I did last week.  But this week that didn't happen.  And I didn't much mind, I just wasn't in the mood to push myself.  An easy 11 miles sounded good.  Plus, I was just enjoying myself so much I didn't want to change anything.  I had two shot bloks at mile 3.

The route was almost entirely flat, running along the water for the vast majority of it.  There was a small part that cut through a park with a little hill but nothing I couldn't manage.  Besides, I love hills.  I'm good at them.  Hills add interest and challenge to a run.  My legs are particularly built to run up hills.  Yes, this is my self talk.  I didn't really need it today, the hills were really short and I wasn't trying to crush them.

I hit 5.5 miles at the SF Ferry Building and stopped for a moment to get a drink of water. In general I hate stopping, it seems like my muscles tighten up, making it harder to run when I start again.  During races I don't stop at water stops, I'm the one that spills it all over my shirt while trying to drink and run at the same time.  I had two more shot bloks at mile 6.

The streets were a little bit more crowded during my return but not super packed.  I had to dodge a parking meter or two as well.  I had two shot bloks at mile 9.  Around mile 9.5 running started feeling like a challenge.  I tried to just tune out any negative thoughts and enjoy myself.  The last mile came around and I saw I'd run the previous mile in 10:35.  I decided I had to run the last mile in at least 10 minutes.  I had to push some, especially in the last quarter mile, but I was able to pull it off.  Here's my splits, and link to full Garmin stats if you're so inclined.

SF, Fort Point to Ferry Building and back.

After the run I spent some time stretching and cooling down.  I took a few minutes to take in the scene, breathing deep and trying to take a mental snapshot of how good I felt.  A bit of peace and self-acceptance - what more can you ask from a run?

I hopped in my car, opened the sun roof, and cranked up the music.  Over the Golden Gate bridge and back toward home.  I had to stop at the grocery store so I chose one that's near an Athleta store.  A little retail therapy was in order.  I found pants and a tank that I liked.  Of course I stood in the dressing room and engaged in the ritual known to women everywhere.  I stared at the imperfections and wondered if I could tolerate them enough to buy the outfit.  So I sought objectivity from the saleswoman,

Me:  Am I one of those women standing here, looking at the fat on my arms and back, and seeming like a crazy woman?  You can tell me if I am.

Saleswoman:  Yeah, you sort of are.

Sure thing.  I got the outfit and you as my witness, I will wear it in public.  I will, I swear.  And I will work hard to keep any and all negative thoughts out of my mind.  Without further delay, here are the clothes.

Athleta:  Equator tank, Odyssey Chaturanga Yoga Knicker

I bought the pants in capri and full length and have to decide which to keep.  And of course, I look at that back and arms and think, really?  Really.  I picked up a soy skinny vanilla latte at the grocery store to help me through the day.  And so far, zero stomach problems.  I'm diggin' the Immodium AD.

I got home and the house was full of guys screaming at the TV watching men in tight knicker pants run around with a ball.  I showered and changed and noted the blister that I always seem to get, and got today at around mile 9, was irritating me.  So, being the good blogger that I am, I took a picture of it.  Gross, I know.

Note to self, don't wear the white socks on the half.

This is going to be a rough segue from a blister to food but I was hungry, what can I do?  I wanted something healthy and warmed up some of the black beans I cooked last week.

black beans, rice, avocado and pico de gallo.

I couldn't finish all the rice and beans, partially because I drank so much water taking my vitamins, but I also had some chips and guacamole so it all balances out.

The rest of today has been hanging with the kids while the guys watch football.  I'm feeling the effects of the run and mark my words, I'm going to bed early tonight.  I swear. Really, I will. 

Running From It All

Ahhh, a rest day.  Though you know with two toddlers nobody's getting a whole lot of "rest".  I took the kids to playgroup this morning, that doubled as a birthday party for Ms Evangeline, who is turning 4.  I can't believe our kids are turning 4, we've been meeting since they were only weeks old and in some ways the time has flown by.

So with a birthday party comes snacks and cake, all of which I had.  Plus a mimosa.  That's how our playgroup rolls.

Party food!

I figured since I am running 11 miles tomorrow I could eat more than usual, which I did.  That also turned out to be lunch.

Bistro Shrimp Pasta (scarier than it looks!)

My mom came over in the evening so Miguel and I took the opportunity to get out of the house together.  We had some shopping to do and ended up at The Cheesecake Factory (TCF) for dinner.  Ever since first looking up the nutritional information on their website some years back that restaurant literally scares me.  They are able to get an unbelievable amount of fat and calories into food that you might not otherwise suspect is a days worth of calories.  And I noticed they "won" the Center for Science in the Public Interest's "Xtreme Eating Award" for the massive calorie count of their Bistro Shrimp Pasta (3,120 calories and 89 grams saturated fat) and their Crispy Chicken Costaletta (2,610 calories and 89 grams of saturated fat).  Both of these meals alone are more than a day's worth of calories.  Anyway, TCF always scares me.

I asked for their nutritional information when we asked for a table and they gave me a nice spiral bound notebook filled with most of the needed numbers.  But tucked into the menu was a "SkinnyLicious" menu with menu items all under 590 calories.  I guess this new menu came out in 2011 and I haven't been there since then.  So I had an ahi tartar appetizer and a pasta dish for my entree.  I didn't need the appetizer but again, I chocked it up to the run.  Oh, and I had a "skinny" margarita too but my stomach started hurting part way through dinner so I only had a few sips of it.  I probably got out of there for less than 1,000 calories, which isn't bad considering.

We had some other errands to run after dinner and I ended up bringing home a Three Muskateers bar for desert.  I had that and then starting taking bites from the birthday cake we brought home from the party (for the kids to eat after dinner, which of course they forgot all about).  A few bites later and I dumped all the cake down the garbage disposal.  I was pretty sure I was just seeking distraction, which is no reason to eat. 

All this eating and I feel like crap.  The good thing is, I have 11 miles in the morning to run as fast as I can away from it all.