Aspiring to Inspire

So I sat down at 9pm to write this post - it's now 10:15 and I'm just getting started.  But I have a good excuse.  You remember Mark, the guy that owns my gym and who asked me to be featured in their latest ad campaign. 

Mark and I with my poster

Well I have some super exciting news!  Mark is on his way...he started a journey to lose the weight he's put on in recent years.  He wrote an entire post about how I inspired him to start blogging his weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey - Inspired by the Aspiring.  And, he's already down 10 pounds!  Friggin' men lose weight so fast.  Yay, Mark!  Congratulations on seeing your hard work pay off.  Please pay Mark a visit at Here I Go Now and if you're so inclined, give his new Facebook page a "like".  We all know how hard it is to put yourself out there and Mark is taking that bold step in the direction of his dreams. 

[And Mark, stop weighing yourself every day, you're gonna make yourself crazy.  Ok, fine, keep weighing yourself everyday if you must but if you start to go bonkers, try weekly.  Wink.]

Ok, back to my favorite subject...me :)  Kidding.  Sort of.  Anyway - things are rolling along over here.  I'm continuing to see improvement with my eating.  And more importantly with my thoughts related to the eating.  I'm wrangling all the sabotaging thoughts and focusing my energy on what I've done right and why my goals matter as much as they do.  Still a bit snacky in the evening hours.  I think I had 2.5 oatmeal cookies tonight but I can't remember, which is kind of noteworthy.  I mean if I can't even remember if I ate that second cookie (or not, though I sorta think I did) what does that tell you about how much I enjoyed them?  

Instead of mindful eating it's more like mindless eating.  Not good.  Take note, Michelle.  If you're going to eat multiple cookies in one evening at least sit down and enjoy the damn things!  Ok, I'm talking to myself again.  In any case, the cookies were homemade oatmeal raisin so that's better than super processed grocery store cookies, right?  Still, 2.5 is more than I needed, 1 would have been sufficient.  Especially 1 that I ate mindfully.  Anyway, on to better subjects...

Exercise!  It's going pretty well.  Well, my body is starting to rebel something fierce but my will remains strong.  Wednesday was a day off.  I took the kiddos to the dentist.  Myra was pretty much ordered to give up her nighttime biddies (aka pacifiers).  So we did a little passing of the paci's by taking them to a friend's house with a baby and giving them away, "because you're a big girl now Myra and you don't need them anymore but the baby does."  It was all sweet and cute as she happily handed them off...until bedtime.  Oh boy, she sounded like Regan MacNeil a few times and almost scared me!  I was in and out of her room for a couple hours trying to help her settle.  But eventually she did, and tonight was a bit smoother. 

I had dinner with some mom friends and probably over-ordered and probably overate - but it was yummy and satisfying and this is my preferred way to indulge (a fun meal out as opposed to snacking on a bunch of crap every night of the week).  I had a grilled octopus appetizer that turned out to be slathered in pesto sauce (which was not mentioned on the menu - I should have sent it back), a beet salad (which was slathered in some kind of cream dressing), and linguine with clams (yum!).  And, they had a roasted banana pudding desert that I just had to have.  Fortunately I passed on the alcohol though so there's that calorie savings.

Today was a typical workday with a non-typical super yummy lunch.  But by the time work was over though I was hungry and realized I'd had no afternoon snack.  So I munched on 1/3 of a Clif Bar on my way to the gym and that did the trick.  At the gym I started with a 3 mile run on the treadmill.  I'm starting to get a tad bit of burnout on the running.  I really need to do a triathlon.  I mean really.  So far this year all my events have been running and it's getting old.  My next event is a 1/2 marathon and then I'm planning to do the Tri for Fun in June (though that's sort of up in the air at the moment).  Anyway, I got through my run - 3 miles in 26:42 - and then moved on to legs/shoulders/core.  Despite my legs being a bit sore during my run they were great for strength training. 

But my lower back is not so great.  I'm not sure why it's bothering me again but I've vowed, seriously vowed, to take it a bit easy next week in the hopes that it will help ease things.  Oh dear me I hope I can.  With my eating being a bit wonky I've been hanging on to the exercise as my lifeline to sanity.  It's hard to think about a recovery week but I know my body needs it.  It's just my mind needs to keep pushing.  But I'll figure it out, I know I will. 

The Definition of Insanity

A brainy guy once said it's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Well slap that label on me because that's what I've been doing.  Okay, not entirely.  I've made some big improvements in the eating department during the day.  I've stopped the random purchase of candy, chips and other junk food - which was really "bad" - and now I'm left with the evening snacking to tackle.

Funny how, on this journey, we have to learn and re-learn and then learn again.  Shift, dodge, dive and tackle, the game never ends.  But it's always more fun when you've got winning momentum on your side and when I check the scoreboard, I'm winning by a wide margin.  So I'll use that momentum to keep chipping away at these bad unhelpful habits that've put me on the defensive.

As has been the case, exercise continues to go well.  My body is asking for a break but I'll tell you the truth, I'm inclined to push it for now.  I like the feeling of power and force I get when tackling (there goes the football metaphor again) and overpowering my workout.  That said, I think next week I'll do recovery week protocol - a little lighter and easier all around. 

Yesterday was a gym day - 25 minutes on the upright bike, level 8, random.  I played around with the bike until it gave me what looked like a slightly easier "random" route.  Then it was back/biceps/core for strength training.  My lower back was wincing a bit here and there, not sure where that came from, but everything else worked well.  And I was aaaalmost able to do two sets of 4 pullups.  This pullup thing is going way slower than pushups but it's the nature of the back, a hard part of the body to strengthen (or so my fellow gym-rats tell me).  But I won't stop until I get to three sets of 8, however long that takes. 

After the kids were in bed I again had some cookies and a couple dinner rolls.  All this despite plans to avoid any late night snacking.  I was thinking about this today, trying to figure out what's going on, when I had the idea to have a more substantial after dinner snack.  Except instead of junk like cookies and bread, I'll have something healthy like Greek yogurt and fruit.  Maybe I can use a hearty snack to transition away from the junk.  And then eventually I might not need the snack anymore at all.  That's how things used to be.  Sometimes I'd have a cheese stick or a couple crackers but not this eating, eating, eating thing that's been irritating me.  Though it is not irritating me, there is no it, my choices are irritating me.   And the good news is, I am the one who makes my choices.  So if I want the irritation to stop, and I do, I need to make different choices.  Sounds so simple, doesn't it?  And sometimes it is, but sometimes it's not.

Today was a weird food day.  I had Grape Nuts for breakfast (I've gone back to them to add variety but just one box, I won't be keeping them in the standard rotation) and a banana for a mid-morning snack.  Come lunchtime I was all tied up at work and missed the cafeteria lunch hour.  So I had a Clif Bar instead.  Then I had a cheese stick before hitting the gym.  You'd think I would have been starving but I actually felt okay.  Probably still topped off from all the food last night.

After work I hit the gym.  I got there later than planned and instead of my normal 3 mile run I only had time for 2 miles.  So I pushed it and ran the two miles in 17:15 which is, what, an 8:37.5 pace?  Yep, yep.  Then it was on to chest/triceps/core for strength training.  I did a couple sets of my pushups with my feet up on a bench instead of on the ground.  Woooo, that was hard.  And my lower back was not happy to be doing decline crunches.  I focused hard on keeping my ab muscles tight to give it all the support I could but really, I need to just drop them for a while.  I hope somebody somewhere is playing a tiny violin for me. 

I had black beans, cream, avocado, a flour tortilla and half of an avocado for dinner.  And later I had an oatmeal cookie.  And I'm hungry as I write this so I think I'll have a bowl of Kashi GoLean.  That's healthier than more cookies and/or bread.  And then, I will go to bed.  Just as soon as I finish watching Newlyweds: The First Year.  Because bad TV has no calories!

9 Miles the Easy Way

I'm feeling myself slowly coming out of the food funk I've been in.  Some neat things are happening with my career and that's encouraging me to get my butt in gear across the board.  Friday was a gym day but I had plans after for a hike in Point Reyes.  I considered skipping the gym in light of the hike but in the end I knew the hike wouldn't be enough soooo, I hit the gym.  I did a 3 mile treadmill run followed by legs/shoulder/core for strength training.

After work I headed west for what I hoped would be a pleasant, peaceful, beautiful hike along the ocean.  And I wasn't disappointed.  To give you an idea...

The view out toward Tomales Point

The weather was gorgeous.  There was wind of course, there almost always is when you're this close to the ocean, but it wasn't too bad and there was plenty of sunshine to balance it out.  And the wildflowers were AMAZING!  At one point I was wading through shoulder height flowers and felt like I was in a movie. The hike was everything I was looking for - mostly some time away from the hustle and bustle of life and a beautiful view.  Tomales Point Trail did not disappoint.  And the Tomales Bay Elk only added to the drama of it all. But it was hard on my legs toward the end, the upper back part of my calves were tightening up and I worried about my planned run the next day.  Maybe a treadmill run, weight lifting focused on my legs and a hike were a bit much for one day.


So I told myself that if I only wanted to run 3-4 miles instead of my planned 9, well, that's well within my rights.  I woke up this morning and my calves were so tight I was limping a bit.  But I hoped running used a different part of my leg muscles than hiking and that the tight calves wouldn't be a problem.  I had some breakfast and coffee and sat around for a bit before hitting the road.  I wore my Garmin so I didn't need a set route.  The weather was lovely, a tad warm in the sun but with enough of a breeze now and then to make it okay.

I ran down a road that eventually put me at the entrance to Indian Valley preserve so I decided to run down the fire road because on the other side there was a water fountain.  It was fairly warm outside and water sounded good.  I got to the water fountain a bit before the 3 mile mark.  I'd checked my Garmin and saw I was running around 10:30+ minute miles, "perfect," I said to myself.  I'd decided that whatever pace I was running was the perfect pace that I should be running.  After last week's rough 8 miles I just wanted to relax and enjoy my run.  Plus I had a lot of thinking to do so I didn't want to be distracted by suffering. 

Around mile 6.5 I started to feel myself dragging.  Time for some ShotBloks.  I've been backing way off the energy gels to see if that helps with the cramping and it has.  I think my stomach can't process all that stuff.  So I had two and within 20 minutes I felt the boost of quick energy.  I finished up my last mile in 9:48, partially motivated by my buddy Kristy pointing out that I always finish strong.

Mainly I was proud of myself for running the whole 9, especially that I'd given myself full permission to bag it at 3-4 miles if I felt the need.  But running slow was just the ticket to keep me moving the entire time.  If I'd pounded out 9:30 or even 10 minute miles I never would have lasted.  Slow and steady was the key today.

Food has also been slowly improving.  I'm getting there, and just like my run, slow and steady progress will always get me there in the end.

A Mixed Bag

Let's see if I can stop eating long enough to write a blog post.  Ok, maybe things are not that bad but when I let it get all blown up in my head it feels that bad.  It's a balancing act, wanting to focus on making healthy choices and reminding myself of my goals but also not being too hard on myself, or overly restricting myself.  Not that there's any chance of the latter at present, it's been a lot of gentle reminding without a lot of change.  I'm going to keep on keeping on until that seems like it's not the right path anymore. 

It's Thursday night and I've had a successful week of exercise anyway.  I'm tempted to dismiss it as if it's not a big deal in light of the eating but I've been at this too long - I know better.  Anything I'm doing right, anything that moves me in the direction of my goals, deserves recognition and reinforcement.  So I'll say now - Good job, Michelle, you're making some good choices, you're paying attention, you're trying, don't give up, don't make this bigger than it is, keep at it, it will get better, your motivation will come back, it always does.

So now I'm talking to myself.  Well, at least it's positive stuff, right?  I'll move on to a quick gym recap.  Monday was 25 minutes on the bike followed by legs/shoulders/core.  My legs were not thrilled to be put on the spot after the run the day before but they stepped up to the challenge.  Pun intended.  Tuesday was a run day with a plan to do 3 miles on the treadmill.  But I got to the gym late and only had time to run 10 minutes, a bit over a mile.  I did back/biceps/core for strength training.  I got a text from Miguel that I could stay later if I wanted and thought maybe I should do the rest of my run.  But the truth was I felt tired and my legs were spent so I gave myself permission to go home.

Aren't they growing up so fast??

Wednesday was a rest day, from exercise anyway.  We hung around the house until we got bored.  I packed up some snacks and the kids and took them on a little hike.  The hike was short but was all uphill.  I was thinking as we were walking back down how grateful I am to be able to do little activities like this one and not only that, but that I want to do them.  I used those thoughts to reinforce why my choices are important, why this matters as much as it does.  And it does matter, no matter how many times I tell myself that it doesn't, how many times I throw out the old, I don't care before diving into some candy, I know the truth, it matters.  This is me, this is the me I want to be.

Insanely bitter is more like it.

Aaanyway, after the hike we went to the candy store.  Marek has not stopped asking for Angry Birds gummies since he saw them the last time we were there.  I bought some chocolate.  I've been enjoying 82% chocolate and wanted to try something closer to 90% to see how I felt about that.  They only had 99% so I tried that.  And woah - bitter as heck.  I had the tiniest piece and felt like I was eating melted used coffee grounds.  Of course I threw the rest away.  Not.  I'm gonna let my bitter memories fade a bit and then try it again.  Why?  Because I'm not a quitter.

I ate other candy too of course, but I'll spare you the drunk-a-log.  Suffice to say, we all had our fill and headed back home.  My mom came over to watch the kids while I helped a friend clean out an apartment.  It was solid manual labor and I again felt proud of my body.  I carried about 10 bags to the garbage and felt the muscles in my arms working.  The old me would have suffered and been sweating like crazy but the new me marveled at my strength and wondered if I could count it as an arm workout (no, is that answer to that question).  Still it was a long day and I missed dinner at home.  I made the probably inadvisable decision to have Taco Bell.  It's been a good long while since I've been south of the border and the probably good news is that it didn't taste all that good to me.  Have they changed their meat or something? 

Moving right along.  I got up this morning feeling a bit regretful but quickly told myself to carry on.  Today's food choices were a mixed bag including good things like quinoa and green beans as well as indulgences like frozen yogurt piled with toppings and after dinner snacks.  It's real people, I am a bit lost at the moment.  But I'll find my way, I know I will.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.

The gym was good.  I started with 25 minutes on the upright bike - a pleasant quad burning spin - and followed that up with chest/triceps/core.  I'm getting strong again, feeling like I am back to pre-pneumonia strength on most things.  That's another positive.  And on that happy note, I'm off to bed to do some healthy-lifestyle related reading that will, with any luck, motivate and inspire me.  Night all!

My First Running Accident and 8 Miles the Hard Way

I realized after I wrote my last post that I completely forgot to write about my run on Wednesday.  I know, I know...it's not that hard to keep a fitness blog is it?  So a quick recap... I'd thought I wasn't going to get any exercise in because I was with the kids.  But I was at my friend Michelle's house and she said I could go on a quick run and she'd watch the kids.  Thank you Michelle!  I still had my gym bag in the car from Monday so I changed and hit the road.  I decided to run for 40 minutes and knew I'd likely cover at least four miles in that time.

I ran toward a country road and before too long I saw a trail that I'd read about but never been on.  Since I was only running for time I figured, why not get a little trail time in too?  I was running along - a bit quicker than usual (at least it felt like it, I didn't have my Garmin on to check) given I was working with two days' worth of pent up energy - when I thought, "this is the kind of situation where you'd fall."  It was the mix of sun and shade, the unfamiliar trail and the quick pace.  And sure enough, about 5 minutes later, Bam!, I was flying toward the earth.  I landed on my left leg and hip and threw my hands out to break the fall.

I got up, brushed myself off and took a quick assessment.  Big scrape on my leg, slight cuts on my hands, and dirt all over my clothes.  But nothing felt too horribly bad so I kept on running.  I did a glance back to see that I tripped over a tree root that was in the shade.  Fortunately I wasn't in much, if any, pain.  In fact I didn't even feel the sting of the scrape on my leg until about 15 minutes later when either the adrenaline wore off, or maybe sweat started dripping into the scrape.

I finished up the 40 minute run feeling that awesome post-run feeling.  So glad it worked out - that Michelle suggested it, that I dug in and found some motivation - which wasn't easy on a warm, relaxing afternoon that I'd already accepted was a no-exercise day - and that I had my gym stuff with me.  I should carry spare running gear with me at all times just for times like this.  Thanks Michelle for encouraging me, you were right, I did feel better after!!

Anyway, I had that scrape (which has been hurting way more than I would've expected), some bruised up hands and a sore hip.  Fortunately it didn't interfere too much with my exercise on Thursday and Friday.  Unfortunately I wore a dress that night to the mom party so it cramped my smooth style just a bit, though it did give me something cool to talk about.  This was another reason for my calling this past week the week from hell.  At least it's over.

So yesterday I took the kids to a kid birthday party.  I didn't get it together to pack myself a salad so I took some hearty snacks - a banana, an apple, and a Fage.  They had raw veggies so I munched on those too.  I did have a piece of birthday cake.  Such is life.  And a few pita chips, hummus and one dip of ranch dressing.  Oh, and probably the equivalent of a small pb&j after eating a few quarters.  This food thing can be such a cross to bear.

I had a "bad" food evening, staying up too late and eating too much.  Too many justifications for unhealthy behaviors.  I have a book on CBT for weight loss that I'd started but didn't finish, so I picked that up today and it's helping me.  We went to breakfast for Mother's Day - I was excited about a restaurant breakfast.  I ordered a 2 egg combo - bacon, eggs, toast, home fries and a pancake.  Well, the eggs and bacon were undercooked and the potatoes were mushy so I sent it back.  They let me keep the pancake so I had that and some fruit.  I'm glad I didn't eat it just because, what a waste of calories that would have been.  And I'm going out to dinner tonight too so it's all for the best.

After breakfast we came home and let the kids play in the kiddie pool while I read my CBT book in the shade.  I could have sat there all afternoon except I had an 8 mile run calling my name.  I was feeling tired but I put my big girl running shorts on and hit the road.  I planned to run to the soccer field where the kids were hanging out and bring them home.  I started running and it wasn't too bad in the shade but in the sun I quickly felt overheated.  So I was able to maintain a 10 minute mile for the first half of the run but gave up on that in light of how hot I started feeling.  "Just run", I told myself, "pace doesn't matter today."  I crossed paths with another runner (running in the opposite direction) and he gave me a wave, a small show of camaraderie that helped me carry on. 

Mile 5 was rough.  I was fighting to run up some small hills, I really wanted to walk but instead I ran at a snail's pace, "you know how to run, just run, as slow as you need to but just keep running."  And I drew on my Cinderella Century mantra, "You can walk when you need to but you don't need to yet." 

Funny how just a little ol' training run can force you to dig deep.  Sleeping in may not be worth these hot runs, they just sap my drive and energy and certainly don't help my pace at all.  In the end I was happy to average 10:18 minute miles.

Energy supplement wise I tried to skip Shot Bloks altogether to see if that helped my stomach but I needed something so at Mile 6 I had two and got a much needed boost.  I'd stopped at my gym for some water around mile 3 and passed a playground with a water fountain around mile 6.  I might need to start carrying water on these hot afternoon runs.  Or stop doing hot afternoon runs.  My stomach was just a bit upset post-run so maybe less carbs during the run is the way to go.  Anyway, I'm rambling, my brain is fried so I'm going to wrap this up.