Thursday, June 25, 2009

For Sale: Wagon - well used but sturdy.

Will consider a trade for leaves (new only).

Alright, alright, enough kidding around. Yes, I'm off the wagon. Yes, I'm once again vowing to turn over a new leaf. I went to the gym yesterday (thank you Katrina!) and found my gym diary showed my last workout was June 3rd, three weeks ago. Ugh.

So I've done some thinking. What's behind this gym resistance? I had a conversation recently...

me: Ugh, I don't feel like going to the gym lately. I'm so apathetic.
her: What do you think that's about?
me: ...well...I just don't feel like it.

Brilliant, aren't I? So I did some introspecting, trying to gain a better understanding of it all. I came to two conclusions. Well, three, I suppose.

#1. I am both rebelling against my new found lack of freedom and using it as an excuse. I used to be able to go to the gym whenever I was inspired to do so. Now I have to schedule it in. I have little windows in which I can go. Let the window pass and I'm stuck. It's very easy to let that window pass and then be comfortable in the knowledge that now I can't go.

#2. I think this is the biggie. I am angry that I have to lose weight. It's just not fair. In the past when I've re-gained weight I've lost it's been nothing but my own fault. This time, despite it not being entirely accurate, I view it as not my fault. I mean, I was pregnant. Of course I could have eaten better and exercised more while pregnant to avoid having to lose 30 pounds now, but that's not what happened. I choose, however, to ignore that part and pretend that I was powerless to the weight gain and am therefore angry and resentful at now having to lose said weight. I am angry at the unfairness of it. When I started this journey in February '07 I said I didn't know if I had it in me to lose the weight, and that I better get it right because I sure as heck didn't have it in me to do it, fail, and have to do it again. Well, here I am. It's true I no longer have 80+ pounds to lose (now there's something to be grateful for) but I realized that I'm angry to be back in a position of starting over, in any sense.

#3. I just don't feel like it. No, seriously, I think I'm dealing with a bit of self doubt. I don't really believe I can get back to where I was. I don't know why I doubt this, there's plenty of evidence to suggest I can, but I do. I need to change that thinking. I need to stop focusing on where I was, start from where I am, and make some short-term goals. Like really short, because even thinking about trying to lose 5 pounds sounds tough right now. Heck, I'm not even meeting my goal of going to meetings.

So the worst part of this spiral is that I am gaining weight. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks (surprise, surprise) so I'm not sure of the official gain but I think it's in the order of 5 pounds or so. I'm pushing 190 (!!) and the size 14 pants I purchased recently are getting tight (!!). I am at a fork in the road and I damn well better get a grip. [Today's blog is brought to you by metaphors]

No, that's not the worst part. The worst part is that I feel like crap. I'm getting more and more tired every day, inactivity begets inactivity and although I'm getting better and better at online Scrabble, it's not doing anything for my state of mind. So, time to take a bit of my own advice. Start again. Better than stopping again.

Oh, let me share a phone conversation between Miguel (husband) and I while he was driving home from work.

him: We need to go to the gym. Come on, meet me there.
me: No, I don't feel like it. I'm tired. You go.
him: But you need to go.
me: Why?
him: Because we're paying for it.
me: Let's cancel it then.

Yeah, well, what can I say? When I resist I resist. So, I'm looking for a new meeting. The leader I was going to left me with the impression she was talking to children. She had great things to say but her delivery didn't do it for me. If I have to go to her meetings I will though. Not as many choices around here as there used to be for some reason.

I have three weeks before I return to work. If I hit the gym for three weeks I'll be in good shape to keep it up once I'm back in the rat race. I'm really hoping these new insights will help me to move on and get back in the groove. Some good news is that I was able to do the same routine I was doing three weeks ago. 30 minutes of cardio (elliptical and walk/run treadmill) and weight training. And not sore today.

So, you all do such a great job of liking my pictures...I'll close with a few from the past weeks.

One of my favorites:

Marek and I and Miguel and Marek at the mother's club family picnic:

I actually went on a hike!

With my grandfather over Father's Day weekend.

Thank you for stopping by :) I'm off to change, feed the baby, and hit the gym.