Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Not So Fast

When last we met our brave heroine she was defiant in her resistance to the common cold. Filled with verve, nerve and perspicacity she challenged the viral intruder to take her down.

Sadly, it did.

Ok, I'm being somewhat melodramatic here but yes, I was over-eager in my refusal to believe that something like a wee sore throat and whatnot could stop me. I'm sad to say I was wrong. That wee cold turned into bronchitis, from which I am just now beginning to mend. I'm mending by resting, steroid and regular inhaler use, some antibiotics just in case (I know, but I can't take the chance it's not bacterial at this point even though it probably isn't) and water. Oh, where's my water?

I can't remember my last workout. Might have been that last (maybe I shouldn't have) run. My eating is mixed, some good, some horrible and everything in between. You probably know I've been doing a lot of thinking, soul-searching, to understand my choices and to intervene.

My weight is up by a few pounds but the more telling, my body fat has crept up to 32%. If I stay on this path the weight number will soon follow. That number on the scale is merely fool's gold. I know too much to fall for that line, "Oh, you haven't gained any weight, you're fine." Hmph.

Patience, self-love, acceptance and gripping with all my might to the belief that this will pass. My motivation always comes back, every time. Guaranteed. Just hang on. Don't give up. Don't throw in the towel and eat a half-gallon of ice cream. All is not lost. Make every single better choice you can. And feel good about it. Read those articles on running and think about that new gym-move you read about in Fitness magazine. Act as if. Because it's only a matter of time until if once again is when it comes to the topic of my motivation and habits.

I remind myself to look at my body. It's real, I've worked for it. And I will one day soon rise up out of this damn hole to fight for it. There's the drama again.

But these things feel dramatic sometimes. This is serious. If I don't focus, remember, pay attention, I could get lost. When was the last time I didn't blog for over 2 weeks? When was the last time I ate cookies and fried chicken and fast-food and, and, and all within a two week window? Random candy bars are always a bad sign in my life. And there have been random candy bars.

So, yes, I'll think of the phoenix as she rises from the ashes, I'll call on Shakespeare to remind me that Whatever you do, you need courage and imagine Pavarotti belting out that I WILL BE OK! This is serious, and I take it seriously. I wanted this for decades, I doubted, I cried, I dreamt and eventually, I fought - and won. I still want this. I still falter and struggle but I still want this. And for that reason, I'm still winning. Though I don't feel like a winner.

My motivation is creeping back. I get a glimpse of it here, there. I know all is not lost. I am not lost.

My sister got married this past weekend. Beautiful wedding. I took a mirror selfie of the dress I wore. I'll close with that.