The Plan - as it stands today

I went to my new gym today for the first time and had my complimentary training session. I got there a little early so I had time to warm up on the treadmill. I tell you, I was feeling quite scared about what I would be able, or not able to do. I started out at 1 incline and 1.5mph. Ok, that was slooooow. I worked my way up, over about 5 minutes, to 3.2mph and that felt comfortable for a start. "I can still walk!". I know that sounds silly but that was what I was thinking. I feel so very out of shape that I was afraid my legs would cramp up or my heart would beat out of my chest after just a few minutes. Nope, all was fine. I felt good enough that I think I can start the Couch to 5k Running Plan right away. Just like the last time I did it I plan to go slow and repeat weeks as many times as needed until I feel ready to advance.

But the truth is I can't think much past where I am today. If I start down that path I end up with a negative feeling of "I can't do it," so I just stop. Anyway, back to the gym - I ended up walking about 11 minutes before trainer guy arrived, we'll call him Ken (he looked like a Ken, can't remember his name).

He asked me what I wanted to do so I gave him my thoughts. A 45 minute workout, all cardio to start and mix in weight training down the road. After a very brief discussion that plan was out and a plan of both cardio and weight training was agreed upon. I probably knew all along this is the way to go but was scared, quite frankly, to lift weights after so much inactivity.

Next was I told Ken about my past fitness feats but didn't feel the need to tell him the whole story right from the start. So I just started at "I used to be fit and then I had two kids." Which is true, right? I didn't need to go over the whole 75 pound weight loss and my psychological issues related to food and exercise, etc. It felt good, like I'd moved on from the fat person identity, as if, "I'm a fit person in a temporarily un-fit body, help, please."

We went around the gym and he showed me various exercises I could do that would be good for a 45 - 60 minute workout. I had a few favorites, one was on a stability ball.

What I really like about this is the dual attention to the chest press and core fitness as well. Being under a time crunch (no pun intended) means any multi-tasking is a good thing.

The other thing I like were these bent knee raises that you do while you are sitting on the very edge of a bench with your back leaned back. They were tough but felt good in that, "Oh, that hurts...let's do more of those" sort of way.



So, there you have it, I think I have a plan for the gym. I'll go 3-4 times a week and do cardio (c25k) followed by weight training (different areas each visit). Ken was very encouraging, told me my body would come back faster than I realize and that I still have a lot of strength and my weight lifting techniques are very good. It was a very nice confidence boost. Let's see if I can follow through with action.

I've been changing my eating, day by day, nothing drastic, just trying to nudge my brain and behaviors out of some new (old) bad habits. When I want to pick up a candy bar at checkout I tell myself, "All that's over now, we're getting back on track." Or something like, "You're going somewhere and that candy bar won't help you get there." The resisting of urges, exerting some self control, it feels familiar, feels good. Not as good as cheesecake feels, of course, but good. Today at lunch there was cheesecake and I think I missed half of what my colleague was saying resisting that cheesecake with a barrage of self talk. I resisted it at the counter (we eat lunch cafeteria style and it's free!) and then I really wanted to ask my colleague for a bite of hers but I didn't. Small victories, right?

I think my stomach is shrinking some, I'm not hungry 24/7 like I was when I first started to scale down the food intake but it's still bigger than I'd like. Still no plans to return to Weight Watchers, though that too may be in my future. I'll just have to see how things go and what feels right.

Ok, finally - the big news. My weight. Oh how I'd like to pretend that tracking my weight was never part of this blog and that I don't need to post how much I weigh. It's bad but with a bit of good. Are you ready for this? I weigh 199 pounds. In the morning. With no clothes on. My weigh-in day will be Friday. If you haven't already figured it out the 'small bit of good' is that I am under 200. Staying that way is definitely motivating.

I could go on and on about all that lies ahead and all that's swirling around in my head but it's late and I'm pooped. I did two sets of squats at the gym. Please send positive thoughts my way that I can walk tomorrow! And, as always, thank you so much for your support. This blog, I think it's become an anchor for me. If you weren't here I think I'd still write but it would be nowhere near as helpful. Thank you!!!

Stretching Out My Wings

I am almost hesitant to write this post. But if this blog has taught me anything it's that putting things in writing can sometimes make them more real. This is not "I'm back!" but more like "I'm on my way"...I hope. I'll start with some recent events that got this ball rolling.

I am part of a mother's club and we had our annual Mother's Social in May. The party includes a raffle with a ton of awesome prizes. One of them was a fitness package that included a full year membership to a gym that is probably five minutes from my office and ten minutes from home. I really wanted to win that prize. I put some raffle tickets in for a lot of other items but put most of my tickets in that basket. When the raffle was just about to close I ran and bought 15 more tickets and put them all in that basket. I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling pretty spiffy and I was going around telling everyone that if I won that prize it was "because God wants me to work out!". I also pointed out one of the hottest mom's there and claimed I'd be wearing her dress to the party next year. Ha! Well, you guessed it, I won the fitness package. I won!

Over the following weeks I started to get my head around the fact that one of my remaining excuses, finances, was no longer an excuse. I have a gym membership for a full year. I didn't want it to go to waste so I spent a few weeks readying my mind, and my gear, for the gym. I dug out my gym bag, found my ipod, and tried to pick out the least unattractive workout clothes.

Things I will try to keep in mind in the coming weeks...

1. Stay in the moment. You are starting back to working out, don't compare yourself to where you were.

2. Slow and steady is the way to go. It will be a challenge at first but I know from experience it will eventually get easier and the fun will come.

3. I am doing this for myself. I feel better when I am in good shape. I enjoy being fit and active.

4. No giving up. I want to get all I can out of this year membership and giving up would not accomplish that.

5. Hydrate.

I'm sure there's a lot more to add to this but for now it's a fair start.

Maybe you're wondering about Weight Watchers. I am too. I understand they read my blog and finally came around to my way of thinking on a few things. I hear the new plan includes unlimited fruit. That's a good one. Who got fat on too many apples? Or bananas for that matter. And the Points have been re-worked? I haven't been to a meeting since the change so I don't know the details but what I've heard, I like. Still, I'm going to start slow for now and just do this gym thing for a bit and see where that goes. Maybe I'll add WW back into the mix down the road. When I started in '07 it was the other way around so this seems fitting somehow.

I'll mention one last thing before this entry gets to be too much. We had some friends over last weekend (Hi Wendy and Victor!!). Wendy is in training for her first event ever - a marathon! Who starts with a marathon?! That's Wendy. She goes for it and it's awe inspiring. Victor is about to do his first triathlon. He's doing the one I did for my first time (and 2nd, and 3rd...), the Tri for Fun in Pleasanton. All the shop talk about training runs, bilateral breathing and planning for transitions got me excited. I want to do events again. I love this stuff. Victor told me that reading my blog way back when was a "if she can do it so can I" inspiration and was one of the things got him thinking about tri's. All I can say is I was really glad to have them over and share in their enthusiasm. I am hoping we can all do an event together next year.

Alright, well I'm wrapping this up. I plan to start blogging again as this was always a help to me. With two little ones I'm not sure what the frequency will be like but I hope to not be back here in several months saying, 'sorry it's been so long!'.

Thank you for all the nice comments about my little chickens. Of course I am loving them more than anything. Any time my mind gets too negative on the body image I remind myself that I made two humans in the past couple of years and to slow down on the trash-talking. I'm closing with a family picture from a recent nature walk.



p.s. I am going to weigh myself in the morning and that will be my current weight. Can't go with the dreaded evening weight :) Some things never change. When you see my weight you'll appreciate even more why I want the morning weight!

A Quick Hello

I was just doing something very strange. Reading my own blog. I sent someone the link and it caused me to lose a few minutes reading some of my old entries. Can I inspire myself with my own blog? Ha! Anyway, I started feeling bad about not posting since...November?! So a quick hello, how are ya? I'm hanging in there. As far as weight loss/health go I still have a bandwagon with my name on it somewhere. I have not gained back all the weight I lost and I am thinking a lot about how to get back into it now that I am nearly done breastfeeding #2. I will post more once that happens. For now, a picture of my wee ones.

This is the only picture I can find with all four of us right now, though it's several months old.



These are my two little angels this past Sunday. All dressed up for Easter and Mr. Marek spills water on himself before I can snap a picture. Ahh, toddlers! Marek turned two in March and Myra is nearly 8 months.



Could I love this little girl any more?



These two are a little older. I think I took them around the winter holidays. But I just love them so much I wanted to share anyway.




I just realized something as I was posting these pictures. I may be 40 pounds heavier than I was but I have two little kids to show for it and that's the best excuse I've ever had. It won't hold water forever though..."I just had a baby" only lasts so long as your baby is still a baby ;)

Eating is Not the Problem

This morning I was munching away on my breakfast, a slice of white toast with butter, peanut butter and strawberry jelly. I started out with a butter and jelly plan when I realized peanut butter would make it a more filling breakfast, which is why I ended up with all three. Anyway, the thing is, this is a meal I would normally describe as "bad". And don't get me wrong, I'm not about to say it's the healthiest option. What I do want to share is a small revelation I had while eating it.

Before I share my little moment of insight I have to say it's amazing how much self talk goes on in my head in relation to food. What prompted me to tune into those thoughts this morning was my having a new idea, if that didn't happen I probably wouldn't have really taken notice of my self talk. I wonder how much I say to myself, in my head, about food each day? I wonder if every time I eat, or think about eating, of have finished eating if there's some food self talk along with it. Probably. Anyway, what I realized while eating my not so healthy breakfast was this: It's not eating that's the problem, it's OVEReating.

How many times have I watched a thin person eating something "bad" and thought to myself, "How does she stay skinny and eat things like that?". I know it's weight loss 101 but, moderation. She eats a small amount. And she probably doesn't eat those types of food all the time, but even if she does, moderation will temper many a food sin. I feel silly even acting like this is some new idea but I guess it just struck me and helped me understand in a new way.

It's eating season people. I am a believer in eating however you want on big holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and your birthday. After a while "eating however you want" changes though, right? My overeating these days is nothing like days of past. I can still put away some food, especially when it's an all day affair but still not like in the past. Which is a good thing.

One more thing - I want to add something to my last post. I said, Most of the time the justification for giving in to a craving comes down to some version of "I deserve it". And what I realized in the days following that post, as I paid more attention to my self talk (there it is again), was that just as often my motivation is I want to feel good, I want comfort. I need to ask myself if there are other ways I can get that feeling. Food is so easy but something like a hot bath, a good book, a chat with a good friend - those things feel good and are comforting. I'm going to have to work on this angle as well. This is a regular message in WW but I never really connected to it. Maybe now I will.

I'll close with a family picture taken at the local pumpkin patch before Halloween. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!!

Trick, or Treat?

I was having one of those fellow food-junkie talks with a friend, mulling over food cravings and the thoughts behind them. Most of the time the justification for giving in to a craving comes down to some version of "I deserve it." If I break that down though, it doesn't make sense. It's a trick, not a treat.

What I deserve is to feel good about my body. What I deserve is the ability to move and be active. What I deserve is to be free from the aches and pains that come with extra weight and lack of muscle strength. What I deserve is to have what I truly want, not what I think I want in this moment.

So as you can imagine this line of discussion came out of the Halloween candy that found its way into my home. Where did this chocolate come from? Funny thing, either I purchased it for others, or it was given to my son. None of it was intended for me. But you know how that goes. Anyway, I won't go into all the details except to say that a few days after Halloween I gave away a bunch of candy before I ate it all myself. It's the small victories.

I know I'm at a crossroads. I know that I want to maintain the weight I lost with having the baby so that I am better poised to lose more later, and so I don't feel like crud for gaining 20 pounds like I did after baby #1 was done nursing. I must learn from that past mistake. But my eating is such that I'm on path to do the same thing. So I'm thinking a lot about changing. Here's some of the self talk I've been doing lately:

"Every meal, every bite is an opportunity to make a better choice."
"If I resist it once (in the store) I won't have to resist it a thousand times at home... and in the end eat it anyway."
"What do I truly want?"
"How about some water?"

There are a lot others but the point is I'm trying to get some control. But I need support and right now I'm not getting much. I'm not in the place that I want to do Weight Watchers, it just doesn't feel like the right fit right now. I was talking with a friend, saying I wanted some type of weekly group support and she suggested I check out OA (Overeaters Anonymous). Of course my first reaction was, "I don't want to do the 12-steps and all that." She insists you don't have to do that part if you don't want to. Funny thing, in my line of work I'm always talking up the 12 step recovery and telling people to go to meetings even if they're just curious, and I'm hesitating. Anyway, I think I'm going to go. I have to do something. And, since I'm not going to dive into triathlon training or start tracking every bite, OA seems like something interesting to try. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lastly - baby update. Both continue to grow and thrive beautifully. Myra had her 2-month checkup today and is already 10 pounds! And she's shot up in length, 22.5 inches. Marek has developed a willfulness that is mostly a joy to watch but sometimes is argh! My family has become more than I ever imagined it could be and I am striving to love every moment.





Thank you for all the supportive comments and for sharing the joy that is my new little bundle of love. I appreciate everyone that reads this blog and reminds me know that I'm not alone on this journey.