Back to Work

Get it?  "Back" to work.  Wink. 

Today is the 4th day of what I'm now calling my 7 day realignment.  I can't tell you how much better I feel about everything.  One of the lines of faulty thinking I fall into when I'm off the wagon (or on shaky ground) is that "dieting" is so hard, it's so much work.  But I forget that it comes with an incredible payoff - feeling good.  I never said it would be easy, I said it would be worth it.  So true.  But it *does* get easy too.  The early days/weeks/months can be a challenge, depending on where you are in your journey, but it gets easier over time, as new habits are established and eventually become second nature.

A good example are vending machines.  I made a firm breakup with vending machines years ago.  For a time they tried getting back together, calling out to me as I had that random vending machine encounter.  Now I hardly notice them and when I do, my response is often indifference.  They aren't really a part of my world anymore.  If I happen to be hungry or cravy then I might take more notice but the automatic response of, "I don't eat from vending machines" pops into my head.  No fight, no big resisting, it's easy.  And experiences like that build up over time. 

By the way, I'm loving that word I just invented - cravy.  I love how it describes the feeling of craving food (as opposed to hunger, right?) but also that it sounds a bit like crazy.  And gravy.   Ahem, back on topic.

So to pick up where I left on Sunday.  Yesterday was good. I had a pep in my step that I know was about being back on track.  I started the day with a physical therapy appointment.  The PT (Kate) basically said that while I have a strong core, there are some tiny stabilizing muscles in my back that are relatively weak.  They need some attention.  So I have to cut way back on the core exercises and do the exercises she gives me to build those up.  Six months ago I would have been irritated by this but now, I'm ready.  I get that my body needs what it needs and that it's foolish to force it to do other things while creating or exacerbating injuries in the process.

Kate said it was fine to run and do all my other exercises (except back extensions) while rehabbing my back/core, "just don't increase over what you're doing now."  Welllll...that will work for a couple weeks but, well, I won't try to predict the future.  I'm going to PT twice a week for a month.  My neck/upper back is still all tweaked from whatever I pulled on Saturday morning.  But I felt good enough to at least enter my gym and start with reestablishing that habit.

So I went after work and started with 10 minutes on the upright bike.  I decided to go ahead and ride at Level 8.  I've been doing Level 5 lately and there's good reason to stick with that for now, sort of a rehab level, but darnit, I'm feeling like I want to push somehow and the bike seems like a safe place to do that.  So I rode for 10 minutes and it was challenging but not painfully so.  Then I ran for 5 minutes, 4 minutes at 6.5mph and 1 minute at 7.5mph.  Whew!  That was not easy. 

Then I did weight training.  I decided to do a light full body workout.  I chose a few exercises from each of my three routines and did those.  I skipped all my old core exercises and did the ones she taught me, which quite honestly feel like "baby" exercises, but I'm doing as I'm told.  I want to be strong and able again.  Throughout my routine I kept having all these negative thoughts creep in....

You've lost so much strength.
You'll never get back to where you were (i.e. 25% body fat and STRONG).
This is going to take forever.

But I challenged each thought with something positive and...how should I put this...SANE.

I'm still quite strong and still have visible muscles.
I will get back to where I was.
It will take as long as it takes, and part of the fun will be in the journey back.

A lot of self talk going on in that gym.  It's amazing how a small slip backwards can make you feel like you toppled off a mountain top and have to climb back up.  No, I slipped a few feet down sure, but I'm not back at base camp.

Food wise things are going great.  Wait...I need to say that again because it's been so long.  Food wise, things are going great!  I like the sound of that.  Can I get an Amen!  I'm eating just as I planned, 3 healthy meals and 2 healthy snacks per day.  I've been posting some of my meals on my FB page and will share those here too...

Lunch yesterday: Chicken, avocado, tomato sandwich on Alvarado bakery flax seed bread with watermelon. Yum!

 

 

Dinner last night:  Rice, red beans, avocado, Pico de gallo and a bowl of Trader Joe's Latin style black bean soup.

I'm not tracking or following any specific calorie guide, food list, etc.  I'm focusing on whole foods and eating what I know are healthy, balanced meals and snacks.  Last night after dinner was the first time since starting this realignment that I felt some internal pressure to snack.  I felt a tiny bit of hunger and almost used that as a reason to eat (it doesn't get much better than actual hunger as a reason to eat) but decided in the end I'd rather stick with my plan for these 7 days and keep a clean break from after dinner snacking.  I know my resistance muscle isn't strong enough to re-introduce the evening snack just yet. 

As far as snacks go, I've gotten much better about remembering to pack a healthy snack, what WW are calling "routines".  Today I have a banana and some greek yogurt (which I'm going to eat in just a minute) and a string cheese and apple for this afternoon. 

So I planned to exercise today too but I woke up with neck pain in the middle of the night and am quite stiff this morning so we'll see.  I have decided to go to the gym regardless, to keep that habit going, and will walk on the treadmill and read a magazine.  I need to go easy on the body or I'll be too disabled to run the 4th of July run coming up on Thursday.  My legs and glutes are also a tad sore from yesterdays squats and lunges so they need some rest too.  So my current plan is to run on the 4th and then...well, I have to take things as they come right now.

A Time and a Place

It's working! I realized that I was avoiding a hard-line approach because I've put so much work into moving away from a hard-line approach. Balance, moderation, Intuitive Eating, eating activity points and weekly points (when I was tracking) are all about learning how to indulge while still maintaining a healthy diet overall. I really have made a ton of progress in this area, so much so that I believe I was viewing a "strict" diet as a step backward. But I really needed it. The bad habits that had snuck back into my life, that I let back into my life, they weren't going away without some equally bad(ass) push back.  So here I am, pushing back.

Stop!  That's what I'm telling my cravings. I'm going to conquer my cravings (at least for the time being, I'm not saying cravings are always bad and to never give in to them).  I'm in full thought-assault mode and it's going great so far.  I am on Day 2 of my 7 day realigning.  I took a couple steps yesterday that I'd like to share.

First, from yesterday's post:

#4.  Drawing a line.  This is a tough one.  I'm generally opposed to extreme behaviors, to extreme "diets" but I think I need to go cold turkey on the junk for at least a week to break the bad habit.  Not sure exactly what this will look like but I think I'm just going to eat my 3 meals and my 2 snacks per day - all healthy ones - and avoid all the rest.  I'm going to write this commitment on a piece of paper and read it every day.

As I sat down to write out my commitment I had the desire to start with the reasons I want to make this commitment.  I've written down my reasons for wanting to lose weight many times but I have yet to write down the reasons I want to maintain my weight loss.  Without much thought I made a list of whatever popped into my head.

Looking at this list the only thing that I'd love to edit is #5.  It's "possible" to wear cute clothes even if I didn't maintain my weight, I think the difference is in how I feel in those cute clothes.

So, after making this list it was on to the line drawing.  Again, I wrote without taking much time to think about it.  Put pen to paper and go!

Whew.  Just reading this back is almost emotional.  This is MY line.  I am drawing it.  For me.  Ooh ra!  I drew the line and then decided to put the days/dates above/below it. 

So, after my line drawing I tackled the doughnuts.  What doughnuts you might ask?  When my mom came over on Friday she brought a dozen Krispy Kremes with her.  Of course I ate one two three of them in short order.  There were 2.5 doughnuts left in the house.  The kids had said they wanted them with breakfast on Saturday but they'd had breakfast and seemed to have forgotten about them.  Why was I holding on to them?  I decided to put them in my favorite spot for garbage food - the garbage disposal.

#7 on my list yesterday was to clean up the house food.  Doughnuts have no place in my house right now.  Buh bye.

So I'm on to Day 2 of my 7 day realignment.  My back/neck is still tweaked so despite the strong urge I have to go for a run or the gym or something I am holding back.  I don't want to make matters worse.  I am reminding myself that even Olympians sometimes have to give their body a break.  That when I can, I will get back to exercise and find my way back to enjoying those badass workouts I so enjoy.  But for now, I am going badass on the food.

Can you feel the energy?  Is my drive jumping off your computer screen and smacking you in the head?  I hope so...get moving people, we have work to do!

Drawing a Line

Ahh, morning.  It's a fresh day, a new start and I've been starting out each day feeling motivated and ready to go.  But something happens as the day goes on...I'm sure lots of you have had this experience.  And by 4 or 5pm all my resolve is gone.

There are a few things going on.  A few things that are making things not normal.  Plus some things going on in my head that just aren't helping.  I think a list is in order.

1. No exercise.  It started with a cold.  Well, I could go all the way back to the pneumonia but I won't.  I had a cold last weekend and couldn't exercise.  I was just coming off the Disneyland not-exercising deal so I hadn't even established my routine again.  So I skipped the gym during the cold.  All told I'm guessing I've exercised once or twice in the past few weeks.
2. My back.  It's been hurting.  I have a physical therapy appointment for this Monday.  As the cold healed up, I decided to continue to rest and wait for the PT appointment for some guidance on what to do.  
3. My face.  I went to the dermatologist and she did a treatment on my face that has me looking a bit like a wild animal.  It will heal in the next few days but it was another good excuse to skip the gym.  I am avoiding as much human contact as possible.  
4. Stress.  No exercise, no sweat-induced stress management, has always meant I have a harder time making good food choices.  The two healthy behaviors go hand in hand for me.   The exercise keeps my stress in check so I don't need to turn to food for that.  
5. Stinking thinking.  My 12-step friends will recognize that phrase.  I realized last night, as I was fighting an ultimately losing battle with a decision about having a bowl of cereal (or two), that my thinking needed some attention.  I wasn't hungry, it was the classic evening snacking thing I've been doing lately.  So I tuned into my thoughts to see if I could figure out what was happening.  And a few surfaced...
   

   I'll start eating healthier tomorrow.

   This is the last time.

   Next time I'll make a better choice.

   Recognize any of those? 
6. Resentments, excuses and lowering the bar.  I'm allowing resentments to be an excuse to make unhealthy choices and harm myself.  Isn't it fun how we can use even good feedback as an excuse to spoil our own party?  I'm not blaming anyone, I know this is my own crap.  But I think I'm using some of the feedback I've gotten as an excuse to eat.  Good feedback, not-so-good, I'm taking it all as justification to eat crap.  And it makes no sense at all.  Not even a shred of sense.  It's that broken thinking that I've let sneak back in.  Oh and lowering the bar, knowing I still look pretty good, knowing 145 isn't so bad.  But feeling so bad, not feeling so pretty good.  Which leads to my next, and final, thing...
7. You've blown it.  I've gained, what, 8 - 9 pounds?  I was over 146 when I got on the scale this morning.  That shocked me.  Why it shocked me I don't know.  No exercise + overeating = weight gain.  So here I am subconsciously feeling like 8-9 pounds is too much to face, too much to have to lose, too difficult to tackle.  HA HA HA HA!!  If any of the things I've said so far hasn't made you think I'm crazy, this one should.  I am a woman who has lost over 95 pounds on this journey.  And if I were to add up all the pounds I lost and regained we'd be in multiples of a hundred by now.  And I'm balking at 8 - 9 pounds?  Oh the lies we tell ourselves, the excuses we make.  But I won't let this distorted thinking go unchallenged.  I won't let this be the day, the week, the summer in which I fall off the wagon and put on 10, 20, 100 pounds.
8. I feel fat.  And I know it's a feeling.  And I need to let it go.  Yes, some of my clothes are snug.  That's what happens when you gain weight, your clothes get tight.  But those clothes are sizes 2-4.  Just because my clothes are snug, just because I feel fat, does not mean I am fat and that I should just throw in the towel.  Stop, stop, stop.  

Ok, enough with the list.  So, what am I doing to combat this tsunami of unhealthiness?  Darnit, more lists...

1. Challenging my thoughts.
   I'll start eating healthier tomorrow:  I've been saying tomorrow for weeks now.  The convenient thing about saying tomorrow is that if you keep saying it, it never arrives.  Today is always today and tomorrow is always tomorrow.  There is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow is today.  Tomorrow is a fantasy that doesn't exist.
   
   This is the last time:  That would be a fine line of thinking if there were a shred of truth to it.  It's a lie.  A lie I tell myself to make it easier to give in.  Beck writes about strengthening your giving in muscle (as opposed to your resisting muscle) every time you give in to a craving.  I think it's about habit, and giving in to cravings is a bad habit.  One I've let get established once again.  So how do I break this new/old habit?  By making a bold break, by stopping the lies I'm telling myself.
   
   Next time I'll make a better choice:  There is no next time, there is only now, only this choice.  Last night I remember thinking, if not this time why next time?  What will be different about the next time you face a craving?  Nothing.  Make the change now.  Next time...pooey, more lies.
2. Meetings.  I went to a Lifetimers' meeting on Wednesday evening.  They have it once a month, on the last Wednesday of the month, and I'm going to start going from now on.  And it was so good.  They talked about all the crap you face on maintenance.  Almost everything was directly relevant to what I'm going through right now.  But once a month won't cut it.  So I'm going to at least one meeting a week, if not more.  I went on Friday to a regular meeting.  I'm going to get to a meeting whenever I can.  I just need the support right now and it's free, so why not, right?
3. Support.  I'm trying to find new ways to reach out and get support.  I'm lining up some texting buddies to help encourage me when I'm feeling low and celebrate my healthy choices.  
4. Drawing a line.  This is a tough one.  I'm generally opposed to extreme behaviors, to extreme "diets" but I think I need to go cold turkey on the junk for at least a week to break the bad habit.  Not sure exactly what this will look like but I think I'm just going to eat my 3 meals and my 2 snacks per day - all healthy ones - and avoid all the rest.  I'm going to write this commitment on a piece of paper and read it every day.  
5. To top off the fun, at 4am this morning I stretched and something in my spine seized up.  I had to miss out on the family picnic my mother's club is having.  Miguel is there now with the kids and texting me cute pictures.  I'm sad to be missing out but as I'm writing this I'm realizing it might be for the best.  The picnic is filled with snacks and whatnot and my resistance muscle is just too weak right now to face those things and still keep the line unbroken.  Anyway, this point is about exercise.  I'm going to rest the remainder of the weekend and then go to PT on Monday.  After PT I'll draw up a new plan for the week, incorporating the exercises they give me.
6. Recognize progress.  I have stopped the random candy and junk purchases, for the most part.  There was an ice cream the other day but it was with the kids and...ah forget the justifications.  But still, I know I've made major progress in this area.  I have some hard and fast rules and they often work and make my life easier, one is "I don't get food from vending machines."  I see it and I know, it's just not for me.  "I don't buy candy in the checkout line" is another.  Anyway, these things serve to help me make better choices and lately it's been better.  It's the evening snacking that I need to plan to will work on.
7. Clean up the house food.  I've been letting all kinds of craving-type foods come into the house.  We're not talking red light foods, mostly yellow light foods.  More lies I tell myself about being able to resist.  That was actually true before but right now, because of the tsunami, it's not so true and I need to face that.  I know I can have snacky foods in the house again some day but not for the present.  I need to break these bad habits, build up my resistance muscle, stop the cravings (which are only strengthened by giving in) and get back to my exercise routine and then I can consider having those foods in the house again. 
8. Stop blaming others.  And know that it's all about how I feel.  No one else holds even a shred of responsibility for the choices I make.  No one else can be held accountable for the food that goes in my mouth.  Not one, teensy, weensy, eeny bit.  It's all my choice.  Voice my twisted resentments, stop using looking "pretty good" as lame excuse, and don't lower the damn bar.  I know, more than anyone, that it's not about a number.  It's about how I feel.  145 pounds is a perfectly fine weight, it's not about that weight, it's about the food choices making me feel like crud.  When I'm eating in a way that feels nourishing and healthy and balanced I was in the high 130's so that is a weight I'd like to get back to.  But I won't be striving for that weight, I'll be striving for the thoughts and behaviors that lead to that weight.  The number is only a manifestation of healthy habits and thoughts.  And challenge the fat feeling.  I am not fat.  I. am. not. fat.  Allowing myself to feel fat, to let that feeling go unchallenged, in some twisted way just gives me an excuse to eat junk.  I am not fat and I will not allow myself to get fat.

Well, I've rambled on quite a bit but I think it was needed.  It's noon.  I'm going to eat lunch.

The Blues, I Got 'Em

So now I have a cold.  Blech.  The combination of not exercising and having a cold has turned me into a grumpy girl.  I've accepted that it's going to be a full week before I can get back to it.  On top of that I'm going to the dermatologist today and will look a bit freaky for a week or so while my skin recovers from the work she's doing.  It feels like since getting pneumonia it's been one thing or another that's kept me from my "normal routine."  I can't stand whining, even when it's me doing the whining, so I'm going to make this short.

I do have one positive thing to share, on Monday I resisted these:

 

I will check back in when I'm in a better headspace.

Disneyland Fog

I need a full hour to do this post justice, but I don't have an hour, so here's the Reader's Digest version.  Some of you are likely breathing a sigh of relief that you won't get a standard, pages-long post from me today.  Let's start where my last post left off...

Friday:  Went to the gym, last day of my recovery week.  Biked for 15 minutes, level 5.  Legs/shoulders/core for strength training.  Back hurt WAY too much to do jump squats so I did regular squats instead.  Burned 352 calories in 1 hour.

Saturday:  Packed the car for...DISNEYLAND!!  Drove to a surprise birthday for my mom.  Had a grilled fish sandwich and a salad.  And, of course, a huge piece of chocolate cake.  Drove to Disneyland, 7 hours in the car with the kids.  Stopped at Ihop for dinner, had a bowl of oatmeal and bites of the kids' and Miguel's food.

Sunday:  Up early at my aunt and uncles.  Had coffee and a chocolate croissant (it's not normally like me to eat food under a sense of obligation but this time I did, they baked the croissants for us and I felt like I couldn't say no).  Off to Disneyland and California Adventure (D/CA from now on).  Spent the day taking in the park - the kids and us had so much fun!

 We stayed the rest of the trip at the Grand California Hotel, which is right in the park and superb.  I was determined to exercise every day so I went to the hotel gym during Myra's afternoon nap.  I ran for 15 minutes and then biked for 10.  Did as much of my back/biceps/core work as I could given the limits of a hotel gym.  Ate way too much food all day.  Stayed up until midnight.

Monday:  Up at 5am to get into the park by 7am.  Rode tons of rides including the Radiator Springs in Cars Land.  The kids had a blast.  Then hit the pool and Myra napped on a lounge chair.  This is when I should have gone to the gym but my determination had been weakened by walking around for 1,500 hours.  Rest was needed.  Rode rides, had fun, and again, ate way too much food.  Had fried chicken for dinner even.  Followed by massive volumes of ice cream.

Tuesday:  Slept late, until 8am.  Breakfast with Mickey and friends.  Ate enough food at the breakfast buffet to keep me full almost all day.  Probably at least a cup of syrup when all was said and done.  And WAY too many breakfast sausages.  It was all tasty.  Back to D/CA for more adventuring.  We took in the Jedi Training Academy and much to my EXTREME delight Marek was picked to participate.  Here is my young Padowan battling Darth Vader. One of my proudest moments as a parent so far. I was so excited for him I didn't stop shaking for an hour. I'm sure he'll be talking about this for a long time and assured me he'll remember this "forever and ever and ever!".  As will I.

Had a lovely dinner of prime rib, mashed potatoes, asparagus, bread/butter.  Ate way too much food all day again.  What can you do, it's Disneyland.  Again skipped the gym.  My body wouldn't hear of it.  In bed after midnight.

Wednesday:  Up at 5am to drive home as I had to be back by 2pm.  Stopped at In-n-Out for burgers and fries for lunch.  Made a tactical error and ordered cheese on my burger by mistake.  The strawberry shake was not by mistake, however.  Decided it was still vacation food so it was ok.  Got home and quickly changed for some office time.  Then home and dinner and Oreo's (still vacation, right?) and bed.  

Thursday:  Up and back to work.  VACATION EATING IS OVER.  Start my period.  Oh joy. Ate well all day, hit the gym after work.  Decided I needed another recovery week because my body felt like it had been hit by a mac truck.  I think it was all the walking, the lack of sleep, and possibly some of the roller coasters bouncing me around.  Not to mention the tea cups.  Hit the gym for 15 minutes on the bike, level 5, followed by a 10 minute interval run (6.5 - 7.5mph).  In bed by 11pm.  Evening eating was a bit snacky but all "good" choices.

Today:  Morning scale time.  145.6 pounds.  Ouch!  But no surprise there, ate tons of crap in D/CA and it's TTOTM.  Back to my routine.  If within two weeks I'm not under goal I'm going to start tracking.  Should I post this weight on my log or take a Disneyland pass??  Up early and off to work.  Eating is good so far.  Plan to hit the gym after work for one more recovery day.  Will rest up tomorrow and then start into my "normal" (i.e. non-recovery) workout Sunday.  Still not sure what I'll do, hopefully a bike ride if the weather holds.  It's actually supposed to turn ugly this weekend.

Summary - Disneyland and California Adventure are tons of fun!  Tons!!  And...I'm exhausted.  My brain is under what I'm calling a Disneyland fog.  Let's hope it clears out over the weekend.