Six Miles...on a Wednesday?! Yes!!

Yesterday was the last day of my first week back on WW. Last night I was in a munchy mood and really wanted to forage around in the pantry for salty, crunchy foods to munch on. Problem was, I had 1 Point left - this is even with the 17 Points I earned on my Sunday run. So I had a 1 Point cracker and did some serious self-talk as to what it is that I want, why I'm resisting the urge to snack, and how very much I want to feel in control again of my eating. It worked. I got to bed with no additional snacking and ended the week even-steven on Points. Yay me! I was appropriately proud of myself.

I skipped the gym yesterday. I have a minor medical ailment and decided to take a pass. I was also feeling tired. After taking a break from exercise, and then starting up again, there's what I might start calling The Tired Phase. In my experience it lasts about three weeks. It's the time during which your workouts leave you feeling drained most of the time, and you don't yet get the energy boost from the exercise.

This is an evil thing for people starting for the first time because they probably think they can't keep up with an exercise routine, it's simply too exhausting. And further, when you're starting from scratch I think The Tired Phase can be measured in months, rather than weeks. Someone should educate newbies that if they stick with it, they'll eventually have more energy than they've ever had, not to mention weight loss. Anyway, I also wanted to collect my munchkins earlier so I skipped the gym, with a plan to go today.

I went to my WW meeting and was down .8 pounds. Moving in the right direction. The past couple years I've lost weight very slowly. On the order of 1/4 to a 1/2 pound a week on average. I think it's a combination of my peri-menopausal whatever coupled with the fact that I don't make major diet changes. I just return to eating a healthy, balanced diet, as opposed to a diet diet where I make a significant calorie reduction. So .8 is a lot for me and I was happy.

I was feeling a bit iffy about going to the gym today. The minor medical ailment is indeed uncomfortable, though nothing that would prohibit me from working out. You can take your guesses as to what the ailment is but suffice to say, it's not something I want to publish. So I wavered and stalled but then I asked myself a couple questions...1. How will you feel if you go vs not going? 2. What will not going to the gym do to your momentum? The answer to those two questions got me out the door.

I decided to run from my house to the gym, the shortest route being roughly 2.5 miles. But as soon as my feet started running, before I was even off my block, I decided to run a longer route. And by the time I was a few blocks away, I decided to run an even longer route. Don't ask what got into me, it just sounded like a good idea. In the end I took a route that put me at 5.5 miles as I was approaching my gym. But 5.5 is so close to 6, so I ran down a few side streets to get to 6, and as I was running I noticed my last mile was way faster than all the others, I was running it in a 9:35 pace, well, that's so close to 9:30, and I felt really good, so I picked up the pace and finished mile 6 in 9:30. Yippee!!!

My overall average pace for the run was 11:02. I felt really good about that. I was feeling a bit wiped out so I had an AccelGel and then got going on my weight routine, chest/triceps/core. Pushups are still really hard, I used to do 3 sets, 20, 15 and 12 reps. Today I struggled to do 12/10/8. But I did them. I'm actually feeling ok about this getting back in shape phase. And I know that by 'normal' standards I'm in shape now, I mean my standards for myself, which are the only ones that matter, right?

While I was on the run I started craving pesto. But it's SO high in Points. So I had the idea to make a sauce from garbanzo beans, garlic, Parmesan, parsley, garlic and lemon juice - all blended in the Cuisinart. It turned out very yummy, and with the garlic, olive and cheese, had a very pesto like taste and feel to it. That, served with a cup of spaghetti and a side salad was my dinner. Very yummy, and satisfying. Sorry I didn't snap a picture of it.

A Way of Life

I just have to start off by saying it feels so good to again have a sense of being in control. I think the feeling of being out of control is the worst! It's not like I was a raging eat-aholic like I was in the remote past but there were moments that were close, and I was quite often making crappy food choices, and just in general I felt like a victim of my cravings. I could ask why I didn't pull it together sooner, but what's the point? I've pulled it together now, I just wasn't ready or willing before.

my meal actually looked almost exactly like this.

Today was a good day, if you can't tell by the above. What made it good? Because I behaved in a way that is consistent with my goals and that feels good. I had the morning off to do some stuff with Miguel and we ended up having a late breakfast (brunch really) at IHOP. Not a regular spot for me but it was easy and in the strip-mall we were in. So I ordered the Simple and Fit two egg breakfast.

"You'll get fluffy egg whites, two strips of crisp turkey bacon, whole wheat toast and a perfect portion of seasonal mixed fruit." The meal was 9 points. I put two of those strawberry jam packets on my toast, which added 3 points. 12 points is a lot but like I said, this was brunch. I noticed when I put it in my tracker they have a Simple and Fit veggie omelet meal that is only 8 points. If I go there again, I'll have to try that. I love veggie omelets.

I eventually had to go into work and later had a bout of unexplained anxiety. I'm not used to dealing with that sort of thing but I figure with all the changes this past year it's surprising it hasn't happened more. I plugged along at work but when the day was done home sounded like a nice place to go. Instead, I convinced myself that if I kept my plan to go the gym, even if I just do a quick workout, I'll feel better.

today's log - with a Well done! note to me.

So that's what I did, and I was right. I started with 20 minutes on the upright bike, level 7. Oh boy, that was hard. After that I did about a half-hour of weight training, legs/shoulders/core. My legs held up surprisingly well given yesterday's run. I felt grateful for my body. I was/am a bit sore but it's ok. In the past when I had to "get back into shape" after some time off I'd feel kind of irritated by this initial 4-6 week window of soreness and (relative) lack of strength. But this time I feel differently, it is what it is, and the truth is, I'll have to do it probably a bunch more times if I plan to maintain this for life.

I was thinking about that while at the gym and really got that fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life. I know it seems obvious but I think every time I get "back" to a certain level of fitness I have this, "ah, I've finally arrived, it's so nice to be here" feeling. And it is, but that level of fitness can be transient, it comes and goes for varying reasons. Might be illness, surgery or something, major life change that derails me, needing to take care of others more than normal - all kinds of things can throw things off for a while, and then, well then I have to get back on.

Anyway, that's all I have for today. Oh, one more thing, my complexion has been a mess lately. Little pimples and whatnot, the crap food I was eating is to blame, I know it is, I've had this happen before. My body isn't as happy on so many levels when I'm eating junk, and too much of it. And if the body isn't happy, I'm not sure the mind can be either. But that's a whole different blog post. I'm done for tonight, night all!

Not Too Late

Yesterday I went on a 10 mile bike ride around town. It's the first time I've been on my bike in ages, I literally had to brush the cobwebs off of it when I got it down. I had that feeling you can only get on a road bike, flying down the road, wind blowing in your face. The weather was gorgeous and the route I took was almost entirely flat so I didn't have to work too hard. Still, my cycling muscles are not toned so my legs were complaining a bit.

Last night I had some girlfriends over for dinner. We drank champagne and ate fancy cheese and crackers, and then had skirt steak and roasted brussells sprouts for dinner. My girlfriend Reina brought cupcakes for dessert, I think there must have been at least 10 of them. I quartered them so we could try each one - although I think I'm the only one that did.

These meals are always so difficult to try and track. So I just enter 25 and figure that's close enough. In reality I probably ate more than 25 points but whatever. Can't be too far off. Anyway, I was glad to have done the bike ride earlier to balance out all that food.

But I also had a loose plan to run this weekend, and hadn't yet. So that left today. I kept myself busy all day doing odds and ends, and next thing you know it was 5pm. Ohhh, should I run? I managed to squander away another couple hours and still hadn't decided. Now it was 7pm! Almost too late to run, right? It would be getting dark soon.

No! Not too late! I made myself jump up and don my running clothes before I changed my mind. I got out the door, making an agreement with myself that 3 miles is fine. My Garmin started acting up so I decided to run a route I know is 3 miles. But once I was warmed up I started thinking about that damn half-marathon I have in only 3 weeks!

Post-run selfie

I ran 7 miles last week so I should run at least 8 this week. I wasn't sure about that so I settled on 6 miles. As I closed in on what I thought should be around 6 based on time, I mustered the motivation to go for the whole 8, even with it being dark and risking falling on my toches. My Garmin being of no use so I had to guesstimate how long I would need to run to insure I covered 8 miles. I assumed I was running between 11 and 12 minute miles and made the goal time of 1 hour, 39 minutes. Didn't quite make it, I ran for 1 hour, 36 minutes. But mapping my route afterward and it looks like I ran about 8.64 miles. Score!

My pace was around 11:06 minute miles, and these days that's hard work, especially at that distance. The last couple miles my left calf was threatening to seize up and I got a painful blister. I told myself that running is a close relative of pain, sometimes to release it, other times to tolerate it, and journeyed on. Once back home I did a cool-down walk and then took a hot bath and ate an apple. But my tummy is hurting, I think the apple, and me not training much lately, are the problem.

I don't know about this whole half-marathon thing, but I'm going to keep moving forward, no pun intended. I'll shoot to run 9-10 next weekend (w/ gym visits and some runs this week) and see how that goes.

Before I sign off I just want to thank you for all the supportive comments on my FB page, the messages and emails. It's nice to receive all the messages of encouragement and hope. Thank you! Ok, it's after 11 and I'm tired. Time to hit the sack.

Finding My Wagon

As much as I don't like to fixate on numbers, they can be good for the sake of comparison. So...without further delay, here are mine...

138 point something - the lowest weight I was when I was in the groove of eating in a way that felt healthy and consistent. Not perfect, but consistent, with few binge-y episodes and not a lot of junk. **138 is NOT my goal weight or something I am striving to get back to. My goal is to get back to eating and exercising in a way that feels good, consistent, in control (mostly), and what happens with my weight is what happens, I can't control that part. I'm only mentioning this weight as a marker of change. Coincidentally, or probably not, I was last in this weight window around the time Miguel and I began our separation, which was October 2013.

153 point something - the highest weight I've been lately. Again, the number in itself is not the problem, it's the eating behaviors and lack of exercise that are the problem.

25% - lowest body fat percentage I was. In no way is this a goal, I got pneumonia around this time and I suspect it's not a good BF for me. But now I'm closer to 33%. At 139 pounds, 25% BF = 35 pounds of fat. At 153 pounds, 33% BF = 50 pounds of fat.

12/23/2014 - my last "regular" workout. I've done some weekend runs and two random gym visits in January, but other than that, I haven't been in an exercise groove since December. I want this to change.

Ok, so there you have some info about the where and when and whatnot.

The bottom line for me is that I had so much going on, stress that was building and building, for months, for over a year. And the beginning of this year the stress reached a point where I no longer had the mental energy, the motivation, the desire, whatever it was I needed to maintain my goal-oriented eating and exercises habits, I just didn't have it. But what I did have, was a giant excuse to take a breather. When it comes to excuses, divorce is right up there with pregnancy - why not sit with a pint of ice cream and a slice of chocolate cake? Miguel and I have 50/50 joint custody, a couple nights a week and every other weekend they are with him. With the kids but not with their dad, not with the kids, dealing with separation and divorce - I'm not super human. Life happens.

All that said, however, I didn't fall off the wagon the way I would have before this lifestyle change. I didn't shut off the part of my brain that was paying attention, I didn't pretend that I had stopped caring. In short, I didn't put my head in the sand and act as if this (unhelpful eating, almost no exercise, weight gain) wasn't happening. When I had KFC for lunch I reminded myself that although I'm not making what might be a good choice, I can still make a better choice. Instead of having a 2-piece meal I'd have something that was still satisfying without going overboard, which might be two chicken wings. I didn't always make this better, less-bad choice, sometimes I'd get the two piece meal. But after eating it, when I felt bloated and over-full, and I questioned, "why did I just do that? I'm disappointed in my choice," I'd note those feelings and remind myself to use that memory as a guide the next time. Stick to the chicken wings.

For a time I got quite rebellious, "I don't want to eat healthy foods! I don't want to exercise!" and I got lost in this thinking, without a lot of awareness that it was happening. I took my eyes off the road, but something kept bringing me back - maybe it was the 153 on the scale, or my tight jeans, and I started gently reminding myself, "no one is making you do anything, this is your choice, for you. If you don't want to exercise, fine, don't exercise, and know that's a choice you're making for yourself."

So I'd keep an eye on the scale, I didn't wear bigger pants, I felt my jeans cutting into my waist and told myself, "this is the other part of the deal. If you want to eat a pint of ice cream after dinner, fine, but know this is part of that choice." All the while I tried to be gentle with myself. My self-talk often (but not always) consisted of things like, "It's ok, you'll find your way, you've been here before, don't beat yourself up, do the best you can, you know you want this healthy lifestyle, that it's so important, you'll figure it out."

And those thoughts, the gentle compassion and patience, eventually led me back. The other thing that happened is that my excuse was waning, Miguel and I signed our final papers a couple weeks ago. And then I asked myself, "Now what?" The answer is I went to a WW meeting this past Wednesday, my first in months. I paid my dues (literally, I had to pay since I'm over my WW goal weight of 147), and listened. And after work that day, I went to the gym. I ran a slow couple of miles, and I lifted weights - less and fewer than before, but I still did it. And I reminded myself no outside force is making me do this. It is all. for. me. I went to the gym again on Thursday. Yesterday I wrote the separation blog post. I'll be going on a run or bike ride today. Life goes on. And I know how I want to live.

Writing all this I'm realizing something, I didn't fall off the wagon. I might have taken my eyes off the road for a bit, but I was never not in the driver's seat. I took a little side route, got off the main road, and now I'm finding my way back. Finding my way back to the road that has scenery I prefer - like jeans that fit, feeling in control of my eating, being strong and fit and in shape. Maybe this analogy is off kilter, it's ok, I don't need to define it, I just know things are getting better.

A Separation

This blog is about my weight loss and maintenance journey but along the way, the story of my life drifts in too. Miguel and I met over 13 years ago and started a love story that led to marriage and two beautiful babies. And life is complicated, and so is love. So I'm writing to say we're separated. This is the personal struggle I've been referencing for more than a year. If you've been through something like this, then you know. With change comes plenty of heartbreak and sadness.

And yet, because there's also plenty of love and joy, our family endures. Our marriage partnership is ending but we are both so blessed to have from that two adorable children that we love beyond words, and so the four of us will always be connected as a family. Our children are doing well, we still care about and respect one another - and my humble heart is beyond grateful for that - and the power of that caring coupled with our love for our little ones, is driving us to do this in the very best way we can. I won't be sharing details beyond this post because mine is not a blog about my marriage or family and because this is deeply personal for us and our children. But I will continue to write about the ways the change and all that comes with it impacts my eating and fitness and will connect the two when appropriate.

The readers of this blog have been a huge support to me. I've hinted around at a life struggle that has challenged the confidence and routine I had, and you've told me time and time again, both here and on my Facebook page, that I'll figure it out. And I'm getting there. More on that in my next post. I hope now that I've shared this big change in my life, writing will once again come easy. Thank you for listening.