I've Done Nothing Wrong

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I haven't been writing much but in my most recent post, I shared that I've gained some weight (I'm 15 pounds over my official "goal" weight - even though I kind of don't believe in the concept of a goal weight anymore), that I'm not exercising like I used to, and that I've been struggling to find a way to address the weight gain.

For me, this wasn't something I was hiding, or felt/feel ashamed of. It just is. So that's why I was taken aback when a comment included now that I've "admitted" to the weight gain, I can begin to address it. I thought, woah, wait a minute...admitted? I generally think of needing to admit to something when I've done something wrong. For me, it includes a sort of moralistic aspect to it, inherently suggesting that whatever I'm admitting to must be bad. Maybe that's just me. And then another commenter used the word again. 

Which, me being me, got me to thinking. I have nothing to admit to. I can share, report, update...disclose even. But I was never hiding the weight gain and don't see it as anything that needs admitting to. Maybe I'm making too much of this but, for me, getting the right/wrong, good/bad thinking out of my head when it comes to my eating and exercise choices and my body, was a lot of work. Work that I think was integral to changing the way I thought about weight loss (and maintenance). 

So, my weight is hovering around 159 pounds and I'm not pleased with that truth and I'm a work in progress as to how to address it. But I'm good. I know I would feel better if I were exercising regularly and eating better, and I believe I'll find my way in due time. I also believe this type of episode might be a normal part of long-term maintenance for a person like me, who got what I call the "food gene."

I'm still doing some things that are very important to not falling entirely off the wagon. Most important, I'm weighing myself almost every day. It keeps reality in front of me. Without that, I could be in a major state of denial and just let the pounds keep adding up. And I'm still making an effort, here and there, to eat better and exercise. As I said before, all is not lost. I'm no longer wearing a size 4, or 6 even...most of my pants are a size 8. And I can still run a 5k at the drop of a hat. Most weekends I go on a run of some sort.  

Running, let's focus on that, because I still have a love affair with running. Last week I was driving through San Francisco, it was a gorgeous day, and I just so happened to not be in a rush. As I was passing over the Golden Gate Bridge I thought, "I should go for a run." I had my gear in my car, having packed it that morning thinking, "I'm a runner, and runners carry running gear." But my lazy brain said, "eh, running is hard." Yes, but I love it. I LOVE IT!

So I pulled over before I could listen to my lazy brain, changed in my car, and went for what turned into an hour run along the beautiful San Francisco coast. Glorious!

 Here's the route I took (highlighted in yellow).

Because I'm not running regularly I ran at a very leisurely pace, and walked up the occasional stairs, but it felt amazing. And when I came around to the beach, I just kept on going. 

I felt so good that I had a hard time turning myself around. Yet I knew I'd been running for 30 minutes and pushing past an hour could lead to pain, or injury even, so I turned around and soaked in the gorgeousness and the feeling of being a bad ass runner woman as I ran back to my car.

Ok, what else? There's been so much going on I can't even tell you. I think I said I had a job change, which was a huge source of disruption to my routine. And the changes are still coming. Life, right? Change, settle, change, adjust, change...at least that's how it's been this year. Some days I have moments of fear and panic that it's too much, that I want everything to be predictable and easy but then I have moments where I am excited about all the possibility. 

Anyway, so the other thing is...summer trips! I met Mr. Mr in Munich and we spent five days in Europe. I landed mid-morning and one of the first things we did was...go for a run! I was determined to go on a run because I felt so bummed that I didn't run when we were in Sweden earlier this year. So we ran along the Isar river for I don't know how long, taking in the sights, and then went for dinner. We got up in the morning and started a road trip though the Alps and down to Milan. We stayed in a small town called Bormio, and ran along a river there too. And then made our way to Lake Como, taking in the lake and the beautiful small towns surrounding it.

On Lake Como

Oh, and we walked on water in Lake Iseo, taking in the artist Christo's latest exhibit. That was totally surreal, I could probably write a book about that day.

The other summer thing is Miguel and I took the kids camping. I unplugged so completely on that trip that I have almost no pictures. But here's a picture of my two bugs climbing lakeside on a tree branch. I'm so grateful we can do these things together, I know it feeds their hearts. They had a child's dream of a time, playing in the lake and building sand castles, roasting s'mores by the fire and waking up to birds singing. So fun!
 

 
So much happening and so much to think about. And, as you can see, so many opportunities to indulge. I know I'm eating more and exercising less than I'd like, and I know there's a path to feeling better about all that. I'm on that path, even as I feel a little lost, I'm on that path. Ok, that's all I have time for today. Thank you for all the support. It really helps to hear you cheering me on and know my readers believe in me, even when I don't know the way exactly.

Clearing Out the Funk

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Well, hello there. I won't attempt a catch-up post because it's been far too long. I'll just dive in to the here-and-now. Which brings with it some good, some bad, and some ugly. I'll start with the good, because, why not, right? I started a new job, which I'm really enjoying. It's a bit of a commute for me now, plus the work is more intense, busier, etc and while I'm adjusting to managing more than I was before, I'm happy to be learning a lot and working with great people. I might write more later about how this change has thrown off my routine and my hopes and plans to find a new one.

So that's the good. The bad is, I've gained some weight. About 20 pounds from my lowest weight, so I'm 159 or so right now. And my body fat percentage is up too, around 35%. Double ugh. This has been a slow-growing problem, no pun intended, probably over the past year or so. I've taken a few swings at addressing it but nothing seems to stick. Despite this, I feel good about the weight gain not being more than it is. Even in the face of a substantial regression all is not lost. I have been weighing myself fairly regularly and have not given up. If it's one thing I've learned on this journey it's that as long as you don't give up you haven't failed.

And what's the ugly? I guess I could say my thoughts. I have noticed so many unhelpful thoughts have crept into my thinking. Thoughts I worked hard to change. They haven't taken over, like I said all is not lost, but they are whispering to me and influencing me way more than is good for me. I could speculate a bunch on why, but I believe my mental energy is put to better use by figuring out how to tackle the problem than by wondering where it came from. And I've decided that part of tackling it is to write. I think writing helps clear the funk out of my brain, so the good can flow. All this not-writing has led to a congestion of funk.

So here I am. And what else is happening? I go to a weekly WW meeting when I can, and I workout even less, maybe 2-3 times a month (really!? Yes, really). Though today something happened that hasn't happened in months. I had a bit of free time this morning and I felt the urge to go on a run. So before the funk had a chance to talk me out of it, I put on my running shoes and hit the road. I ran for 40 minutes at a comfortable pace. It wasn't easy because I'm not in great same shape, but I felt grateful to still be able to run what was probably at least a 5k.

West Side Story - great show!

And then it was a quick shower and change to head up Mount Tamalpais with a friend to see West Side Story at The Mountain Play.  We were lucky to be in the shade for most of the afternoon because it got pretty hot. I've been focusing on better eating so I packed a salad topped with veggies, beans and chicken breast to eat during the musical. I also brought fruit and had a glass of skinnygirl margarita that my girlfriend brought. 

This was my third Mountain Play, I'd previously seen Oklahoma! and The Wizard of Oz (the latter of which I blogged about back in 2008)...I just checked my weight to see what I was back then, and when I clicked on the weight log, the closest date was 6/5/2008 which linked to a blog post of mine, so I clicked on that and it's one of my all-time favorite posts, I'm Here! Wow, what a gift this feels like.

That post is all about how I thought I'd have to get to my goal weight before I realized my "goal" but that in reality, I had all the benefits I'd hoped to gain from losing weight - I was fit, I wore regular size clothes and, most important, I felt great. I'll say it again, wow, what a coincidence. I've had bouts of negative thoughts lately and this serves as a reminder that where I am is a damn good place to be in the grand scheme of the weight battle.

Ok, I'll close with a couple recent pictures and make a pledge that I hope to keep, which is to write more. I think I need it. I know I do.

The two best kids I know.

Oh boy, posting this picture just reminds me how fast they are growing. Myra just finished her first year of school,Transitional Kindergarten, and is starting Kindergarten in the fall. Marek will be starting 2nd grade. They are on a summer trip with their dad right now and I miss them terribly. Aren't those smiles the best?!

This picture is from a trip Mr M and I took to New England last month. If I had been motivated we would have done some epic hiking in these parts. It was a fun trip in a gorgeous part of the country and we had a lot of fun. But I don't want to live with a bunch of missed adventure opportunities. I'd better I want to get my body and my mind back in shape so that doesn't happen.