Not So Fast

When last we met our brave heroine she was defiant in her resistance to the common cold. Filled with verve, nerve and perspicacity she challenged the viral intruder to take her down.

Sadly, it did.

Ok, I'm being somewhat melodramatic here but yes, I was over-eager in my refusal to believe that something like a wee sore throat and whatnot could stop me. I'm sad to say I was wrong. That wee cold turned into bronchitis, from which I am just now beginning to mend. I'm mending by resting, steroid and regular inhaler use, some antibiotics just in case (I know, but I can't take the chance it's not bacterial at this point even though it probably isn't) and water. Oh, where's my water?

I can't remember my last workout. Might have been that last (maybe I shouldn't have) run. My eating is mixed, some good, some horrible and everything in between. You probably know I've been doing a lot of thinking, soul-searching, to understand my choices and to intervene.

My weight is up by a few pounds but the more telling, my body fat has crept up to 32%. If I stay on this path the weight number will soon follow. That number on the scale is merely fool's gold. I know too much to fall for that line, "Oh, you haven't gained any weight, you're fine." Hmph.

Patience, self-love, acceptance and gripping with all my might to the belief that this will pass. My motivation always comes back, every time. Guaranteed. Just hang on. Don't give up. Don't throw in the towel and eat a half-gallon of ice cream. All is not lost. Make every single better choice you can. And feel good about it. Read those articles on running and think about that new gym-move you read about in Fitness magazine. Act as if. Because it's only a matter of time until if once again is when it comes to the topic of my motivation and habits.

I remind myself to look at my body. It's real, I've worked for it. And I will one day soon rise up out of this damn hole to fight for it. There's the drama again.

But these things feel dramatic sometimes. This is serious. If I don't focus, remember, pay attention, I could get lost. When was the last time I didn't blog for over 2 weeks? When was the last time I ate cookies and fried chicken and fast-food and, and, and all within a two week window? Random candy bars are always a bad sign in my life. And there have been random candy bars.

So, yes, I'll think of the phoenix as she rises from the ashes, I'll call on Shakespeare to remind me that Whatever you do, you need courage and imagine Pavarotti belting out that I WILL BE OK! This is serious, and I take it seriously. I wanted this for decades, I doubted, I cried, I dreamt and eventually, I fought - and won. I still want this. I still falter and struggle but I still want this. And for that reason, I'm still winning. Though I don't feel like a winner.

My motivation is creeping back. I get a glimpse of it here, there. I know all is not lost. I am not lost.

My sister got married this past weekend. Beautiful wedding. I took a mirror selfie of the dress I wore. I'll close with that.

Too Busy for a Cold (and 10 out of 15k ain't bad)

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I started getting sick in the middle of the week last week. I went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday and then not again for the rest of the week. It started with a bad sore throat and then my energy level just took a dive.

I'd registered for this race for Saturday morning, what they call the Double Road Race. For some reason, which I admit I still don't understand, they split the distance up into two legs. I signed up for the 15k, which means I was supposed to run a 10k, take a break for a while, and then run a 5k. Hmph.

Of course I knew almost nothing beyond this interesting fact. I showed up and started running the 10k, moving very slowly mainly because I was still basically sick but also because I've been running 3 miles and less lately. I decided to run at a pace I felt I could maintain all day long if I needed to.

It was probably around mile 1 when I realized we were running the same loop twice. I had nothing on by way of tracking myself - no heart rate monitor, no Garmin. Can you believe that?! I was doing this for the fun of it, nothing more. At the end of the first loop there was a woman yelling out our times, I was around 34 minutes I think. Take off a minute for being near the back of the pack but still, for a hair over 3 miles, that's my easy, slow pace.

And now that I knew what to expect in the second loop (one small hill), I decided to pick up the pace and comfortably push myself. I started passing people, which is always encouraging, and reminded myself that I know how to tolerate a bit of discomfort. My lungs felt good, so did my legs, so I stayed with this now somewhat faster pace.

I finished and stood around waiting for the 5k to start. They had a live band, which was nice, and the weather was good. But as I stood, my muscles started tightening. The idea of doing a 5k sounded, well, silly. So I bagged it and got the heck out of dodge to go hang with my kiddos. I am very curious as to my 10k time but they apparently don't post your time unless you finish both legs. Oh well, I was happy with what I did.

I'd say this is my first DNF but I have a hard time with that given I crossed a finish line and got to stop running. But it was a 15k and I did only do 10k. Ah heck, it doesn't matter.

Sunday was a super fun day, Marek's first soccer game. We signed him up for the league and they've had 3-4 practices so far. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face the entire game. They were so cute running around after the ball. And some of them, my son included, took it pretty seriously. I mean, like, really played.

I'm looking forward to watching them grow into themselves as far as physical fitness and sports go. This is something I largely missed out on growing up so now I can live vicariously through them. Assuming they continue to show an interest of course. And given that we'll be there stoking that interest, let's hope it sticks for a while.

I took about a million pictures as you can imagine, but I'll only share a couple less than 10 here so as not to bore you with my new soccer mom status.

Game face

#6 !!

kidding around with daddy

Gooooooooalllll!!!

I love this picture.

Today, Monday, I managed to get myself to the gym. Still on the cold medicine (DayQuil is like liquid gold) but no real coughing to speak of, which is good. I did 25 minutes on the upright bike and back/biceps/core for strength training because, well, because I could. I've got a busy week ahead so any chance I get to squeeze in a workout, I will. The cold will just have to come along for the ride because I don't have time for it to take me down.

Maybe I'm Amazed

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For years people have been asking me, "how do you do it all?" And by all I think they mean raise kids, work, exercise, blog, keep a friend or two, etc, etc. Well, sometimes something has to give and the past week + it's been the blog. I assure you, I've been mostly busy as heck. And if not busy, sitting on the couch at the end of the night watching bad television (Housewives, anyone?), which I've decided is the TV equivalent of a cheap glass of wine. I'm sure it kills brain cells too but at least it's calorie free!

Speaking of calories... the eating. It got bad. Like, two pieces of toast with butter and peanut butter past midnight bad. And that was after a variety of other "snacks." As I was buttering the toast I thought, "What's it going to be Michelle? This?" For days (or weeks?) I'd been thinking over my re-visiting of old habits and kept reviewing the same material, "I have to stop doing this, this doesn't feel good"...cycling through feeling motivated and strong in the morning but come nighttime, all is lost.

Not all, of course, as I'd remind myself. Most of my clothes still fit (notice I didn't say all) and hey, I still look good, right? And I'm still exercising. But that misses the point. The point is, I'm not happy with my behavior. So I finally started to challenge myself to stop saying the same old thing and start analyzing what it is I'm telling myself that leads to sabotage. And when I listen, the answers are there. Or, not so much answers, as lies.

I found myself saying things like, "It doesn't matter", "I'll start fresh tomorrow", "It's only a string cheese" (if only it stopped there), "But I want it", "I don't care." Some of these are old favorites, others are relatively new to me. In any case, once I started listening, I could start challenging. So that's where I've been putting my energy. And I'm happy to report, I'm course correcting. The evening snacking is slowing down, the random food choice situation is improving.

Because it does matter; starting fresh tomorrow is useless if I stop cold by 10pm; if I'm eating out of a bad habit it doesn't matter what I'm eating, it's the behavior that's the problem, not the food; I think I want it, and maybe I do in that moment, but what else do I want? and don't I want that more?; and I care. I CARE, dammit! So no more lies, no more denial.

Also, I heard of this little trick to change your most-used password to something positive you want for yourself, like WHOLEFOODS24!, and that by typing the positive phrase all the time you subliminally influence yourself. So I picked a phrase for my phone and it might seem silly, but I think it's helping.

we love this little guy!

Mostly though, I had to get my head out of the sand and that's what I'm doing. So...what else am I doing? Keeping busy. Marek started playing soccer so now twice a week practice sessions and weekend games are on the agenda. I still need to get a picture of him in his little outfit, so cute!

And...my big boy starts kindergarten tomorrow. Eek! Remember when he was born a short 5.5 years ago?? He's a little man now and he's sure to let us know that any chance he gets.

We also took a weekend camping trip to Tahoe this past weekend. I took the kids up to a S.Tahoe spot called Zephyr Cove. We had a blast! The kids LOVE camping and we wore ourselves out with lake activities and hiking and general adventuring. It was a great thing to do the last weekend before school starts. Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures. I know, so unlike me!

The evening just before leaving I went to the Paul McCartney concert (hence the post title) with my mom and some family and friends. Staying up until 1:30am and then getting up in the morning, pack for camping, drive 3.5 hours to Tahoe, set up camp...ambitious, let me tell you. But I pulled it off.

I'm sure part of how I could pull it off is being in shape. I've been pretty damn good about exercise. Last week I made it to the gym on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. On Thursday evening we stayed in a hotel near the concert venue. I got there about a half-hour early...just enough time for a run! So I ran for 30 minutes along the water and gave myself TONS of #wycwyc kudos.

And it's a good thing too because I had more than a few cocktails that evening. Oh, and for dinner that night I had a small salad and chicken wings. Yumm, chicken wings. Anyway, back to exercise. So last week was a resounding success. This week is also going well.

Yesterday I was driving to the gym after work while getting an earful from an angry person on a work-related call, complete with shouting and cursing. Ugh. It just pushed me over the top stress-wise. As I walked into the gym I noticed a mat Pilates class was about to start. Ahh, yes, relaxing music, slow moves, that's what I needed. So I tossed out my cardio/weights plan and did Pilates instead. Perfect! And I challenged my stubborn brain when it tried to suggest this workout didn't "count" because I didn't burn x-number of calories or break a major sweat.

Today was back to my normal routine, I went for a 25 minute run outside and then did legs/shoulders/core. The run felt so good. My pace lately has been whateverthehellfeelsgood and I gotta tell you, I like that pace. Who cares how fast/slow I'm running...I'm running for crying out loud!

So there you have it, the update of where I've been for the past 10 days.

Hard Spin, Easy Run

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Same old, same old around here. Just been doing my thing, which lately means ongoing struggle with late-night snacking. I'd gotten it under control prior to the backpacking trip, when I was tracking my food on the Lose It! app (which I don't actually love but it did the job well enough), but I've fallen off the wagon. Which makes it sound like I should start tracking again. Something to consider.

Exercise remains good. I got to the gym twice more this week, making it three times (instead of my ideal goal of four). All things considered I feel really good about the effort. After the backpacking trip last weekend and, just life, I was tired and had an emotional hard landing coming back to reality. The wilderness is so pure, so beautiful, and from that distance everything seems manageable and positive. Meanwhile, back on earth, I struggle for that same perspective.

Glenn and I before class

Anyway, gym on Thursday. Spin class was starting up just as I arrived. My gym has this version of spin call Joycycle, which is spin mixed with upper body exercises while on the bike. It's not often that the class time aligns with my arrival, one of my favorite leaders is on deck and there are spots open, but Thursday it happened.

I couldn't stay for the whole class, I only had an hour total for my workout. So I did 25 minutes of spin and then went to lift weights. Whew, that bike had me sweating! After that I did back/biceps/core. I couldn't quite do my whole routine before running out of time but I managed most of it.

Friday was tenuous. I had stuff in the morning that almost derailed me from working out but things fell into place for an afternoon gym visit. But I was dragging. It was hot out and I felt so lazy.

So I told myself to just run 25 easy minutes outside, no pace pressure. Which is exactly what I did. I'm not sure the distance covered but I ran 27 minutes and felt very pleased with myself for doing it. I reminded myself of some advice I've given others. When someone asks, "What's a "good" running pace?" I answer, the pace that leaves you wanting to go out and do it again next time. After the run I did chest/triceps/core for a total of 1 hour, 11 minutes of exercise.

After the workout I had a little bit of time before I needed to pick up the kids. My feet were in dire
need of attention, still with dirt stains on my heels from the backpacking trip. So I stopped into my favorite toe spot and got a pedicure. I chose blue toenails in honor of Lake Tahoe. I'm taking the kids camping next weekend - and get this, all by myself! - at Lake Tahoe. Blue lake, blue toes.

Then I picked up the kids and we went to dinner (I had to have a coffee though to get me through the evening). I had linguini with clams, one of my favorites! And then to frozen yogurt, where I had a good-sized serving with all the toppings. Yes, it was a calorie heavy evening. And then more evening snacking later. Ugh, can I stick my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening?

Sure, except the scale keeps me in reality. It's been up near 150 ever since returning from backpacking. At first I figured I was retaining water from all the hard work carrying that pack, but now, I'm not so sure. I just want to get back to my normal eating routine and then see what the scale does.

Enough about all that. The weekend is going well. We're having a lazy Saturday at home, kids are entertaining themselves in all sorts of ways while I do laundry, bills, write, etc. I love hearing them play together and I really love that they can figure out how to entertain themselves. Sometimes paying almost no attention to my kids is the best thing I can do for their little minds.

Run Outfit of the Day

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Hey there! Yes, it's almost midnight and I'm just starting this post. Bad blogger! But I want to get a few things out there before I sign off for the day. I think a list will help keep this post short.

• I was featured in the Runner's World online column, RUNootd (stands for Run outfit of the day).  I tagged this pic on Instagram and it got picked up. How fun! I'd entered their cover magazine contest but when I read how inspiring some of the other entrants are I threw in the towel on that concept. Listen, I gotta get in that magazine. I can die a happy girl then. So, not the cover maybe, but this column is a step in the right direction :) I better keep running!

• Speaking of... an exercise update. I skipped the gym yesterday. It was a combination of being very busy catching up at work (it was my first day back) and feeling tired. But today I went. I had to overcome a bit of that, "Oh, but I don't feel like going to the gym," it was hot, late afternoon - good time for a nap. But no nap, I went and ran 3 miles on the treadmill in 27:32 (9:11 minute miles - woot!) and then did legs/shoulders/core.


• And...I have me some tight muscles. I was remembering that the day after past backpacking trips I'd get a massage. I think a massage is in order. When??


• Eating is so-so. Scale has jumped back up to 149.something. Fucker. I wouldn't have a problem with it except I'm sitting here with a bag of almost empty chips which contains 5 servings and which I've eaten entirely by my lonesome. All is not lost, I made several goal-oriented eating choices today and I'll pick up again tomorrow and continue to fight the good fight. Just as soon as I finish these chips. Oh, and I might be pre-menstrual. Hence the F-word.

That is all. Goodnight.